Crazy people keep animals in their backpacks

Sometimes this really smelly guy will hang out in the computing site outside our office. His body odor is so bad that anybody walking by will think someone left a big bucket of crotch sweat in the site, but no, it's just him doing whatever it is smelly people do on the internet.

He looks a little...off, too. He's got frizzy brown hair, long unkempt sideburns and beard, and sometimes he's wearing suspenders over his flannel shirt. This makes everybody less likely to say something to him. What if I tap him on the shoulder to get his attention and he just pulls a raccoon out of his backpack and starts screaming?

So I've thought it over and I'm thinking the solution that's best for everybody is having a friendly custodian spray Febreze in the smelly guy's eyes and then kick him in the stomach. The smell will be reduced and that smelly asshole will get kicked in the stomach. Everybody wins!

(work.)

I don't know why someone would collect a bucket of crotch sweat, but whoever wants that bucket probably has his interns do it. That just seems like an intern-y thing to do.

Instant messaging is not manly

Some teenagers take the internet too seriously. That guy from two days ago, the one who insulted my technology when he got mad, IMed me with, 'ya i like how u talk shit on ur away mesage bt ur not man enough to talk shit to me.'

What 'ur not man enough to talk shit to me' really means is 'you're not man enough to send electronic messages to me over the internet.' Yeah, that pretty much defines manliness.

Like remember that scene in 300 when those totally badass Spartans sent text messages to Xerxes and they were like 'fuck u' and Xerxes texted back and said, 'lol u spartans r tough omg.'

Neither do I. Stop taking the internet seriously, you douche bag.

(work.)

The other obvious reason why the Spartans in 300 didn't send a text message to Xerxes is because you can't get a goddamn signal in that valley where Spartans kill people. Also, it's the past.

Sure, you can show people my underwear

I don't clean my room when my landlord shows my apartment, so for the last few days, every time my he's called me, this is how our conversation has gone in my head:

'Hey Henry, do you mind if tomorrow I show a bunch of strangers that pile of underwear in your bedroom?'
'Sure, that's fine. I won't be home, so it'll be in the middle of the room, as usual.'
'Cool. I'll be bringing some people by tomorrow, then. I'll make sure the people touring check out the big wiener you've drawn on the shower door, too.'
'Sounds good. My dirty laundry and shower penis will see you then.'

(work.)

Every morning when I wake up, drag myself out of bed, and take a shower, sometimes I'll draw things on the shower door with my finger. Sometimes it's a swear word, other times it's Pac Man, but most of the time it's some sort of dong. It wasn't until my roommate said something that I realized that my shower drawings were staying there after I'd left.

One day I came home and Katz asked me, "Did you write 'skeet skeet' in the shower?"

Yes. Yes I did, Katz. That's just how I roll.

Insult anything but my Nintendo DS

Sometimes I'll be signed on and people will swear at me for no reason at all. Just the other day some guy IMed me while I was at work.
'hey josh,' he said. A day later he said again, 'hey josh.' Then apparently he got sick of me being gone and he typed to me:
'the nintendo ds sucks'
'hey douchebag'
'THE NINTENDO DS SUCKS'
and that's the last thing he said to me

All it took was a couple days of not being online for him to aim for the heart and insult the Nintendo DS. I guess 'fuck you' just wouldn't have worked for him so naturally he picked a piece of technology and told me it sucks.

I can just imagine this guy walking down the street, approaching some guy, and yelling, 'Hey Mark, YOUR IPOD SUCKS,' and then storming away without caring if that guy was actually Mark.

Sometimes friends ask me why I hate most of the people on the internet. Now you know.

(work.)

He insulted my DS because I had a poll up in my profile asking people what they thought of the DS because I was thinking about getting one.  Being the genius that he is, he went after the Nintendo DS because that's my Achilles heel.

Good thing we're recording ourselves shaving your beard

Yesterday Vunner and I were going to shoot a time lapse movie of him trimming and eventually shaving his beard. We needed a room with a plain background that wouldn't be in the way of his housemates, so we ended up shooting the time lapse movie in the bathroom in the basement of his house.

This resulted in Vunner sitting on the toilet in his tiny bathroom with his Macbook sitting on top of two boxes in front of him while I occasionally leaned over with a pair of scissors and cut a little bit of his beard hair.

'Ya know,' I said a few minutes into filming, 'this would be a lot creepier if we weren't recording everything.'
'Yeah,' he agreed. 'then we'd just be two guys in a small bathroom shaving a beard. The camera makes this an art project. Without it, you'd just be trimming my beard while I sit on the toilet and use my laptop.'
'This scene is more normal because your laptop has a built-in camera.'

(work.)

Somewhere, the same thing is happening but with a small change:
A roommate walks by two guys in the bathroom.  One guy is sitting on the toilet and shaving his face in front a laptop while the other guy appears to be helping him.  The roommate asks,
"Hey guys, does that laptop have a camera?"
"No."
"Fags."

Awkward Michigan shirt

I'm wearing a yellow Michigan shirt today. I feel weird wearing it. Not because I'm wearing a Michigan shirt at Michigan. No, apparently the 'Don't wear a t-shirt for the band you're going to see' rule doesn't apply at universities.

No, I got this shirt from my 7th grade math teacher when I was in 12 grade.

But why would that happen, you ask? Why would I still keep in touch with my 7th grade math teacher?

Because he was dating my mom at the time, that's why. Awkward, I know.

And now this shirt's awkward because of that.

(work.)

If you receive a gift for a weird reason, it's harder to appreciate that gift.  I got that shirt because a man who once taught me math may or may not have been boinking my mom.

Kirkland Signature will feed and clothe you

Today I'm wearing a pair of jeans I bought at Costco. They fit pretty well and they fine on me, but I can't help; but be a little skeptical about them. They're not made by Levi's or The Gap or anybody who only makes clothes. Instead, they're made by Kirkland Signature, a company that apparently will make any noun in bulk and then sell it to you.

Kirkland Signature doesn't advertise, and it's a good thing they don't. I don't know how you'd say one item is particularly good when you make a thousand different things that have nothing to do with that first one.

'Kirkland Signature Jeans: If you thought our frozen burritos were good, wait until you try on our pants!'

They could put a coupon in the back pocket that says, '$20 off any Kirkland Signature brand Jet Ski with purchase of Kirkland Signature rocking horse and Kirkland Signature egg timer.'

(work.)

Please hold down the run button

One of the downsides to being a gamer and dating a non-gamer is that you will get mad at your girlfriend for stupid things.

Yesterday Amy was playing New Super Mario Bros on my DS and she wouldn't hold down the run button. Anybody who's played Mario knows that the first rule of any 2d Mario game is hold down the fucking run button, right? Well she didn't, and she was falling into pits and running out of time and not listening when I told her to hold down the fucking run button.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. This would be like if she got me to eat some crap she saw on the Food Network and I just put it in my mouth and didn't chew it. I'd say 'Don't worry, it'll go down eventually, I just don't feel like chewing,' while she's screaming at me, 'fucking chew with your mouth you idiot, this is going to take forever!'

Yeah, well maybe you should hold down the run button next time you go through the Mushroom Kingdom, you bitch.

(work.)

Deleted Scene From Freaky Friday

Movie Trivia Fact No. 24:
In the original screenplay for Freaky Friday, a film about a daughter and mother who switch bodies for a day, there was a scene in which the daughter, in her mother's body, makes out with her father.

It didn't make the final cut of the film because it lasted nearly a half hour and was incredibly awkward to watch.

(work.)

Dear Diary,
Today I magically switched bodies with my mother! I had to drive a car, go to work, start menopause, and spank my dad's ass. Freaky!

Love,
A girl in a children's movie

These lies I weave are like Vietnam

Sometimes 89x plays this new track from that shitty band Taking Back the Brand New Panic Fall Out Disco or whatever, and the lead singer goes something like, 'I am an arms dealer, fitting you with weapons in the form of words' and then for the rest of the song he compares trash talk to dropping bombs.

That guy's an asshole.

Those lyrics are coming from a dude who wears eye makeup and now he's basically saying, 'Remember that time I told you to call that guy a fag behind his back? That was like dropping a hydrogen bomb, man. These lies I weave are like Vietnam.'

Yeah, buddy. A group of emo kids talking shit about each other is just like a war. Stop making music and find a fire to die in immediately.

(work.)

Weather.com is kind of a dick today

It got really cold again, and that's surprising because yesterday weather.com and it said we should be in the mid 30's. I checked it today and it was just a picture of a middle finger.

'Fuck you, that's the weather.'
'So...wear a coat?'

(work.)

A Better Version of Home Alone

Kids watch movies these days and they think that they can get away with all sorts of zany crap. That's not how it works, kids. Your actions have consequences.

I'd like to see a version of Home Alone where Kevin kills the burglars after like two booby traps and then spends the rest of the movie burying their bodies and crying.

That'll teach kids about life. What exactly, I'm not sure, but there's a lesson in there somewhere.

(bed.)