away message blog.

The Rapist Saturation of MySpace

2007-09-20T10:08:00.003-04:00

Are other people receiving friend requests from total strangers on Facebook or am I the only one?

I thought Facebook was above this. If you wanted to be internet friends with weirdos and rapists, you go to MySpace. That's just what it's for. Sometimes rapists on MySpace accidentally try to meet up and rape each other. It's crazy, the rapist saturation of MySpace.

But Facebook - Facebook was how you connected with friends from class or old school buddies, not a means to be cyber-pals with some random fucking high school kid who shoots friend requests all willy nilly like a goddamn... high school... kid.

Jesus.

(sleep.)

On Facebook, I'm Henry Birdseye, 23-year-old graduate student. On MySpace, I'm Slippery H, 69-year-old (lolz) African American pro skateboarder.

Hot dog disagreement (I'm moving to Chicago)

2007-08-12T14:30:00.000-04:00

I move to Chicago on Wednesday. I'll share contact information once I'm settled.

I hear a lot of, 'So...Chicago, huh? You like those Chicago hot dogs?' Normally when people are making casual conversation with you you need to agree with them or disagree in a funny way, but so far all I've thought of is, 'No, I don't like Chicago hot dogs.' Then both of us will just stand there in hot dog disagreement. We might talk about hot dogs a little more, or one of us will walk away. Either way, I fucked up my end of the Chicago hot dog discussion.

My neighbor Dave took a unique approach to casual conversation when he heard about my move. 'Chicago, huh? That city fucking sucks. I hate it.'

What do I say to that?

'Yes, friendly neighbor, my future home is in a shitty place, and I moved there because I suck. It was nice talking with you, now I'm going to go into the garage and eat a bag of horse turds because I make bad decisions.'

(errands.)

I spent a couple minutes thinking about whether it'd be funnier if I was eating a bag of regular turds or eating a bag of horse turds. I eventually settled on horse turds because I decided that someone going out and actively looking for horse turds to put in a bag and bring home was funnier than someone just collecting turds they had lying around the house.

A letter from the man sleeping on the floor

2007-05-04T07:25:00.000-04:00

Dear Other People in the Computer Lab,

I'm feeling a bit tired, so I think I'm going to sleep on the floor. Someone told me the carpet here smells like blueberries, so I'm going to lie with my mouth as close to the floor as possible. I'll also be sure to point my feet inward, but rest assured, that's just because I'm weird.

Sincerely,
This guy

(work.)

So it turns out that this guy just felt a little sick and decided to lie down. Why he chose such an awkward position is still a mystery, but after my boss politely told him not to sleep in the site, he complied and everything was fine.

My main concern was that this guy was dead and that I'd just inadvertently photographed a corpse. I'd never been so relieved to find out someone was just sleeping face down on dirty carpet.

You don't want to be an astronaut

2007-05-03T06:52:00.000-04:00

Every time a child tells me he wants to be an astronaut when he grows up, I call him an idiot who should shut his stupid liar mouth.

You don't want to be an astronaut. An astronaut trains for months and then when he gets to space he doesn't even meet any aliens. He just sits in a space ship in the cold, dark void of space while people on earth go skateboarding and eat pizza. You want to be an astronaut, kid? You're retarded.

An astronaut has to eat food out a tube and go to the bathroom inside of his space suit. If you want to eat everything as a paste and then crap inside your own space pants, be my guest, but you don't want to be an astronaut. Your dreams are stupid and so is your stupid child face.

And that's why Daddy hits you.

(work.)

Here's a response I received from a stranger on AIM:
"so wtf dont discouarge them let them be an astronaut how do u kno they wont be one ur a idiot for tellin them that"

I guess I can't argue with that, but only because it's hard to read.

Clandestine mannequin coitus

2007-05-02T06:48:00.000-04:00

When I was in 6th grade, a classmate used the word 'dildo.' When I asked him what it meant and he told me that a dildo was a mannequin's penis. Hmmm.

I thought about how I'd never been in a department store, seen a mannequin with a huge bulge in the pants he was modeling and thought, 'Wow, that mannequin sure has a huge penis.' If women were buying mannequin penises, did women secretly want to have sex with mannequins? Were women all over the world engaging in clandestine mannequin coitus? My world was crashing down.

Then I came to the conclusion that when the mannequin factory workers (mannequin-gineers?) make the mannequin, it has all its body parts, then before it leaves the mannequin factory the factory workers take its penis and put it in a bin with all the other mannequin penises so that ladies can buy them at the store later.

This is how dildos are made, or so I thought in 6th grade.

(work.)

My roommate is short and I am mean

2007-04-20T06:51:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my kinda short roommate Katz was showing me the robe he'll wear when he graduates with his master's degree.

Katz: 'Look what I got.' (holds up a bag from the book store) 'When are YOU graduating?'
Me: 'I graduated last year.'
Katz: 'Yeah, but did your robe look like THIS?' (holds up robe with a special red trim for graduate students)
Me: 'No, my robe was in an adult size.'
Katz: (the sound of scowling)

Now that I've typed this, I'm probably going to come home to a turd on my bed or, knowing the extent of Katz's (tiny, Napoleonic) rage, I'll return to an entire sentence spelled out with turds, elaborately planned from weeks prior and painstakingly molded with love and rubber gloves.

(work.)

Even if he were to spell something simple like "I hate you" he'd have to stockpile his poop for at least a couple of weeks. That's dedication.

The time I wanted to throw a woman into traffic

2007-04-17T23:35:00.000-04:00

Last night at the bar, my buddy Allen introduced me to a female friend of his, then he went to the bathroom or something. This left me alone with a stranger. Here's what happened:

Girl: 'One weekend I brought my 16 year old sister to a party on campus and some guy hit on her. I had to tell him she was 16 so he'd back off.'
Me: 'Yeah, it's awkward when someone's underage at a party. When you first get to college, you know everybody's legal so you don't have to worry about a girl's age 'cause they're all over 18. That's good to know.'
Girl (yelling loudly, in caps): 'HEY THIS GUY WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH AN 18 YEAR OLD'

Had my stomach been filled with alcohol, or "swearing fuel" as it's sometimes known, I would have yelled back something like, 'THIS GIRL HAS ABORTIONS FOR FUN' but I was sober so instead I just hated her silently.

That bitch.

(work.)

Whenever I meet somebody new I should immediately think of something terrible to yell about them just in case something like this ever happens again.

I'd like my gambling wacky, if possible

2007-04-16T06:54:00.000-04:00

I saw a casino billboard on the freeway using the words, 'Wild WACKY Winnings!' And get this: the word 'wacky' was in a crazy font, which is pretty fucking wacky if you ask me.

Then I got to thinking that Wild Wacky Winnings was probably just the name of a slot machine, and there's nothing particularly wild or wacky about pulling a lever until you don't have any money.

Maybe it'd be wacky if all of your winnings came in the form of top hats filled with shaving cream. Or if every time you won, a man dressed as a giant baby painted a tiger on your chest. Fine, that's wacky.

But a colored font? Not quite, slot machine. Not quite. Hire a chest painter, then we'll see.

(work.)

After remembering that old women love slot machines and that that'd be the demographic most likely to play the Wild Wacky Winnings slot machine, I realized that maybe painting tigers on the chest of an old woman isn't so much wacky as it is gross.

Side effects including killing yourself, mild headache

2007-04-12T06:53:00.000-04:00

When I was in high school I was prescribed a drug called Accutane. What Accutane did was make it so you didn't get pimples after you took it for several weeks. However, one possible side effect worried me a little: You'll fucking kill yourself.

Apparently some teenagers who took Accutane had offed themselves so 'suicide' was listed as a possible side effect right up there with 'dry mouth' and 'slight headaches.'

The doctor warned me.
'When you're on Accutane, you may kill yourself.'
'Wow, that's awful.'
'Yeah, some kid on Accutane killed himself a couple months ago, so we have to warn you that Accutane may make you kill yourself.'
'How will I kill myself?'
'Oh, that's entirely up to you.'
'At least I'll have options, then.'
'Yes. Yes you will.'

So that was fun.

(work.)

Googling "accutane" yields sponsored results, many of which go straight to lawyers' websites. Some of these websites list all the diseases and disorders I could (should?) have contracted while using Accutane:

Rectal Bleeding
Birth Defects (when I'm 16? Wow, don't mess with Accutane. Especially if you're pregnant.)
Central Nervous System Injuries
Lupus
Pancreatitis

How am I not dead? The list goes on and on, leading me to believe that the second I started taking that pill I should have keeled over, burst into flames, and been shot by a sniper hired by Accutane itself.

Grandma, the Nigerians want you to learn computers

2007-04-11T07:21:00.000-04:00

I think you could get old people to use computers better by turning their weaknesses into strengths.

Right now, telling old people to install Firefox to reduce the amount of spyware on their computers doesn't make sense to them. They won't do that because right now they can just click the blue 'e' and they're on the internet! Just like that! They can play internet mah jongg forever now, thanks to the letter 'e'!

Now if you told them that if they didn't install Firefox then a ghost would visit them at night and tell them the name of their crush, they might install it. If a nice Nigerian man would share his fortune with them if only they'd run regular spyware checks and update their antivirus software, they'd do it.

Maybe we could get them to get 22 of their old friends to do it, too, because if they don't, they'll have bad luck for 22 years and nobody will ever love them so PASS IT ON!!!!!!!!!

(work.)

For those of you not familiar with Nigerian scams, those are the ones where bad men and women in Nigeria send emails to strangers and say things like, "I'm a Nigerian prince. If you give me some money, I'll be able to give you a LOT of money, so please give me all your banking information." The sad thing is, some people suck at the internet so badly that they fall for these scams.

Fortunately, the heroes at 419eater.com have mastered the art of scambaiting. This is when they'll email the scammers back and pretend they're interested in their offers, but only if they can prove that they'll really send them money. They'll respond to an email with, "I'm a member of the Church of Fish and Bread. Could you please prove you're a member of the church by sending me a picture of you putting fish on your head and eating bread?" This leads to the potential Nigerian scammers attempting to prove themselves to the 419eater people by doing ridiculous things.

For example:

The best part about these pictures the people in them are criminals, so you don't have to feel bad. Hooray! See 419eater's trophy room for more awkward pictures of bad people.

A MegaWord of Caution about the MegaBus

2007-04-10T07:17:00.000-04:00

This last weekend Amy took the MegaBus into town and back. The MegaBus is just like a regular bus only... Mega!

For example, on the way into Ann Arbor the MegaBusDriver didn't MegaStop to MegaRest at the halfway point like a regular bus driver would. Instead, he MegaStartedToNodOff and MegaSwerved on the freeway a little.

A girl MegaScreamed.

Then the MegaBusDriver MegaDidn'tKnowWhereToPark because he'd never MegaDriven to Ann Arbor before, so he MegaMissed the goddamn dropoff point.

All in all, the MegaBus sounds great, assuming you don't mind a MegaBusDriver who obviously wasn't MegaScreened before being MegaHired and may MegaFuckingKillYou by MegaCrashing on the freeway.

(work.)

No talking before the movie, lest I cut you

2007-04-09T06:47:00.000-04:00

Those 'no talking during the movie' shorts that come up before you see a movie are less effective when presented by silly men dressed as soda and popcorn. How are little kids going to get the message that they need to shut the fuck up if they're so happy to see the dancing food man do a silly dance?

What they need is some scary guy in a trenchcoat to jump onto the screen and start threatening the audience.

'Shut the fuck up during the movie. Ain't nobody gonna hear you when I come to murder you anyway. If you don't turn off that cell phone, Ima steal it and sell it for meth.

Ima get up in yo' nightmares and cut you.

And in the event of me cutting you, please note the nearest exit.'

There's just something about threatening lives that just makes kids... listen, ya know?

(work.)

This away message was inspired by the laughter of children following a serious message. I don't want kids laughing when they should be listening. I want them listening intently because some scary man in at the movies said he was going to get up in their nightmares. Crying afterward is optional as long as it's quiet.

Da Vinci's spam emails

2007-04-06T06:48:00.000-04:00

Most people don't know this, but many of Leonardo Da Vinci's secret codes were transmitted through spam emails.

He'd email millions of people with seemingly nonsensical phrases like 'battleship emblem strangle appendix,' but what people never discovered until recently was that he was sharing the secret blueprints to a flying machine centuries ahead of its time.

He also knew the best way to get off-brand meds delivered right to your door. He was probably going to use his flying machine to deliver CIAL15 T4B5. That Da Vinci, so good at science.

(work.)

Protesters, none of which play the trumpet

2007-04-04T07:21:00.000-04:00

Yesterday outside the Fleming Administration Building, a group of students boldly protested the University's use of sweatshop-made clothing by skipping class to hang out and wear sandwich boards. One brave soul played bongos.

The protesters were there to help shut down sweatshops, and this is understandable: 73% of all sweatshops that closed are shut down by people hundreds of miles away chanting and not having a job.

The remaining 27% of sweatshops are closed by wishing really hard and clapping your hands (which is also how you bring a fairy back to life!).

(work.)

Looking back, I guess those protesters were the bravest unemployed people I've seen in a long time. They stood up for what they believed in: standing up for unalienable human rights, not taking crap from authority, and also not going to work.

What exactly is the bongo guy contributing? And why is he at every protest in town? I think he just wants the attention, but come on, he only knows like two bongo notes. You can only do so much with two notes before people think you're too lazy to play a more complicated instrument. I think he should protest by playing the trumpet. We'll see if that two-note shit flies when he's playing the trumpet. I don't think so, bongo guy.

Bad news you can understand

2007-04-02T06:51:00.000-04:00

Knowing about computers in a world where most people do not means you've got to give a lot of bad news to people who don't understand what they've done.

I think that we, as tech people, should explain to them what they've done in their terms.

For example, 'You've let IE install too many toolbars so your system is slow' would become 'You left your front door and now animals have crapped all over the inside of your house.'

'Norton is why your computer takes so long to start up' becomes 'You've paid a lot of money for something that's difficult to remove to bog you down. You've glued silver chainmail to your chest when all you needed was a light jacket.'

And finally, 'Your system is filled with so many viruses it can't even boot so we have to reformat,' becomes 'You've ruined your life so badly should probably kill yourself and hope you come back as somebody less stupid.'

(work.)

And if you don't believe in reincarnation, you shouldn't own a computer.

Crazy people keep animals in their backpacks

2007-03-28T07:18:00.000-04:00

Sometimes this really smelly guy will hang out in the computing site outside our office. His body odor is so bad that anybody walking by will think someone left a big bucket of crotch sweat in the site, but no, it's just him doing whatever it is smelly people do on the internet.

He looks a little...off, too. He's got frizzy brown hair, long unkempt sideburns and beard, and sometimes he's wearing suspenders over his flannel shirt. This makes everybody less likely to say something to him. What if I tap him on the shoulder to get his attention and he just pulls a raccoon out of his backpack and starts screaming?

So I've thought it over and I'm thinking the solution that's best for everybody is having a friendly custodian spray Febreze in the smelly guy's eyes and then kick him in the stomach. The smell will be reduced and that smelly asshole will get kicked in the stomach. Everybody wins!

(work.)

I don't know why someone would collect a bucket of crotch sweat, but whoever wants that bucket probably has his interns do it. That just seems like an intern-y thing to do.

Instant messaging is not manly

2007-03-23T06:50:00.000-04:00

Some teenagers take the internet too seriously. That guy from two days ago, the one who insulted my technology when he got mad, IMed me with, 'ya i like how u talk shit on ur away mesage bt ur not man enough to talk shit to me.'

What 'ur not man enough to talk shit to me' really means is 'you're not man enough to send electronic messages to me over the internet.' Yeah, that pretty much defines manliness.

Like remember that scene in 300 when those totally badass Spartans sent text messages to Xerxes and they were like 'fuck u' and Xerxes texted back and said, 'lol u spartans r tough omg.'

Neither do I. Stop taking the internet seriously, you douche bag.

(work.)

The other obvious reason why the Spartans in 300 didn't send a text message to Xerxes is because you can't get a goddamn signal in that valley where Spartans kill people. Also, it's the past.

Sure, you can show people my underwear

2007-03-22T06:52:00.000-04:00

I don't clean my room when my landlord shows my apartment, so for the last few days, every time my he's called me, this is how our conversation has gone in my head:

'Hey Henry, do you mind if tomorrow I show a bunch of strangers that pile of underwear in your bedroom?'
'Sure, that's fine. I won't be home, so it'll be in the middle of the room, as usual.'
'Cool. I'll be bringing some people by tomorrow, then. I'll make sure the people touring check out the big wiener you've drawn on the shower door, too.'
'Sounds good. My dirty laundry and shower penis will see you then.'

(work.)

Every morning when I wake up, drag myself out of bed, and take a shower, sometimes I'll draw things on the shower door with my finger. Sometimes it's a swear word, other times it's Pac Man, but most of the time it's some sort of dong. It wasn't until my roommate said something that I realized that my shower drawings were staying there after I'd left.

One day I came home and Katz asked me, "Did you write 'skeet skeet' in the shower?"

Yes. Yes I did, Katz. That's just how I roll.

Insult anything but my Nintendo DS

2007-03-21T07:18:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I'll be signed on and people will swear at me for no reason at all. Just the other day some guy IMed me while I was at work.
'hey josh,' he said. A day later he said again, 'hey josh.' Then apparently he got sick of me being gone and he typed to me:
'the nintendo ds sucks'
'hey douchebag'
'THE NINTENDO DS SUCKS'
and that's the last thing he said to me

All it took was a couple days of not being online for him to aim for the heart and insult the Nintendo DS. I guess 'fuck you' just wouldn't have worked for him so naturally he picked a piece of technology and told me it sucks.

I can just imagine this guy walking down the street, approaching some guy, and yelling, 'Hey Mark, YOUR IPOD SUCKS,' and then storming away without caring if that guy was actually Mark.

Sometimes friends ask me why I hate most of the people on the internet. Now you know.

(work.)

He insulted my DS because I had a poll up in my profile asking people what they thought of the DS because I was thinking about getting one. Being the genius that he is, he went after the Nintendo DS because that's my Achilles heel.

Good thing we're recording ourselves shaving your beard

2007-03-19T06:51:00.000-04:00

Yesterday Vunner and I were going to shoot a time lapse movie of him trimming and eventually shaving his beard. We needed a room with a plain background that wouldn't be in the way of his housemates, so we ended up shooting the time lapse movie in the bathroom in the basement of his house.

This resulted in Vunner sitting on the toilet in his tiny bathroom with his Macbook sitting on top of two boxes in front of him while I occasionally leaned over with a pair of scissors and cut a little bit of his beard hair.

'Ya know,' I said a few minutes into filming, 'this would be a lot creepier if we weren't recording everything.'
'Yeah,' he agreed. 'then we'd just be two guys in a small bathroom shaving a beard. The camera makes this an art project. Without it, you'd just be trimming my beard while I sit on the toilet and use my laptop.'
'This scene is more normal because your laptop has a built-in camera.'

(work.)

Somewhere, the same thing is happening but with a small change:
A roommate walks by two guys in the bathroom. One guy is sitting on the toilet and shaving his face in front a laptop while the other guy appears to be helping him. The roommate asks,
"Hey guys, does that laptop have a camera?"
"No."
"Fags."

Awkward Michigan shirt

2007-03-15T06:53:00.000-04:00

I'm wearing a yellow Michigan shirt today. I feel weird wearing it. Not because I'm wearing a Michigan shirt at Michigan. No, apparently the 'Don't wear a t-shirt for the band you're going to see' rule doesn't apply at universities.

No, I got this shirt from my 7th grade math teacher when I was in 12 grade.

But why would that happen, you ask? Why would I still keep in touch with my 7th grade math teacher?

Because he was dating my mom at the time, that's why. Awkward, I know.

And now this shirt's awkward because of that.

(work.)

If you receive a gift for a weird reason, it's harder to appreciate that gift. I got that shirt because a man who once taught me math may or may not have been boinking my mom.

Kirkland Signature will feed and clothe you

2007-03-14T07:20:00.000-04:00

Today I'm wearing a pair of jeans I bought at Costco. They fit pretty well and they fine on me, but I can't help; but be a little skeptical about them. They're not made by Levi's or The Gap or anybody who only makes clothes. Instead, they're made by Kirkland Signature, a company that apparently will make any noun in bulk and then sell it to you.

Kirkland Signature doesn't advertise, and it's a good thing they don't. I don't know how you'd say one item is particularly good when you make a thousand different things that have nothing to do with that first one.

'Kirkland Signature Jeans: If you thought our frozen burritos were good, wait until you try on our pants!'

They could put a coupon in the back pocket that says, '$20 off any Kirkland Signature brand Jet Ski with purchase of Kirkland Signature rocking horse and Kirkland Signature egg timer.'

(work.)

Please hold down the run button

2007-03-13T07:21:00.000-04:00

One of the downsides to being a gamer and dating a non-gamer is that you will get mad at your girlfriend for stupid things.

Yesterday Amy was playing New Super Mario Bros on my DS and she wouldn't hold down the run button. Anybody who's played Mario knows that the first rule of any 2d Mario game is hold down the fucking run button, right? Well she didn't, and she was falling into pits and running out of time and not listening when I told her to hold down the fucking run button.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. This would be like if she got me to eat some crap she saw on the Food Network and I just put it in my mouth and didn't chew it. I'd say 'Don't worry, it'll go down eventually, I just don't feel like chewing,' while she's screaming at me, 'fucking chew with your mouth you idiot, this is going to take forever!'

Yeah, well maybe you should hold down the run button next time you go through the Mushroom Kingdom, you bitch.

(work.)

Deleted Scene From Freaky Friday

2007-03-09T06:49:00.000-05:00

Movie Trivia Fact No. 24:
In the original screenplay for Freaky Friday, a film about a daughter and mother who switch bodies for a day, there was a scene in which the daughter, in her mother's body, makes out with her father.

It didn't make the final cut of the film because it lasted nearly a half hour and was incredibly awkward to watch.

(work.)

Dear Diary,
Today I magically switched bodies with my mother! I had to drive a car, go to work, start menopause, and spank my dad's ass. Freaky!

Love,
A girl in a children's movie

These lies I weave are like Vietnam

2007-03-08T06:52:00.000-05:00

Sometimes 89x plays this new track from that shitty band Taking Back the Brand New Panic Fall Out Disco or whatever, and the lead singer goes something like, 'I am an arms dealer, fitting you with weapons in the form of words' and then for the rest of the song he compares trash talk to dropping bombs.

That guy's an asshole.

Those lyrics are coming from a dude who wears eye makeup and now he's basically saying, 'Remember that time I told you to call that guy a fag behind his back? That was like dropping a hydrogen bomb, man. These lies I weave are like Vietnam.'

Yeah, buddy. A group of emo kids talking shit about each other is just like a war. Stop making music and find a fire to die in immediately.

(work.)

Weather.com is kind of a dick today

2007-03-06T07:23:00.000-05:00

It got really cold again, and that's surprising because yesterday weather.com and it said we should be in the mid 30's. I checked it today and it was just a picture of a middle finger.

'Fuck you, that's the weather.'
'So...wear a coat?'

(work.)

A Better Version of Home Alone

2007-03-01T23:52:00.000-05:00

Kids watch movies these days and they think that they can get away with all sorts of zany crap. That's not how it works, kids. Your actions have consequences.

I'd like to see a version of Home Alone where Kevin kills the burglars after like two booby traps and then spends the rest of the movie burying their bodies and crying.

That'll teach kids about life. What exactly, I'm not sure, but there's a lesson in there somewhere.

(bed.)

Final Fantasy XII: Sci-Fi Fantasy Exposed Chest Adventure

2007-02-28T07:20:00.000-05:00

Final Fantasy XII just came in the mail, and here's what I imagine the game is like based on the box alone.

Main character on cover of the box: 'Let's go on an adventure in a sci-fi fantasy world!'
Other guy: 'Whoa, why are you dressed like that? You're going to go on an adventure in that... half-vest? I can see most of your chest. What the hell?'
Main character: 'We're in the future! People probably dress like this. It's cool. See those airships in the background? I bet those are crazy, huh? I wonder if they're powered by magic!'
Other guy: 'What's crazy is that you're going to save the world and I can almost see your nipples. Why don't you cast Shirtaga and cover up? You look like an asshole.'
Main character: 'Wow, a sci-fi fantasy world. Maybe we'll see a dragon...made of robots! This game is going to be awesome.'

I hope the guy on the cover isn't dressed like that for the whole game. Spending countless hours on a video game is silly enough without forcing me to look at an inappropriately half-dressed man the whole time. It's like this is a joke played on us by the Japanese. 'Ha ha, America! In the Japanese version, he's wearing a suit! No exposed chest at all! Thanks again for those bombs in World War II, assholes!'

(work.)

Gift certificate for Japan

2007-02-27T07:18:00.001-05:00

I don't know how to feel when I receive a gift card, because gift cards say, 'Here, go buy something, but only at this one place.'

Sure, the gift card's thoughtful because the person who gave it to you knew that you liked shopping at a particular store, but really the gift card is just limiting where you can spend your money. Had they just given you cash, you could have spent that at a million more places. Now you can only spend it at that one place.

Next Christmas if someone gives me a gift card, I'm getting them some yen. They'll look at me like, 'Yen?' and I'll say, 'Yen. That's a gift certificate for Japan. Hope it's not too out of the way for you.'

(work.)

Hope you like dirty magazines, apartment tourists

2007-02-26T23:06:00.000-05:00

Hey Katz,

Our landlord is showing the apartment tomorrow, so I'll tidy up the living room and kitchen in the morning.

You may have noticed that I've put piles of Asian porn on your bedroom floor. Don't move it. It took me a long time to arrange the piles of Asian porn to spell out 'Please live here next year, apartment tourists.'

Yeah, I have a lot of Asian porn.

I'll tell you what: after the apartment showing tomorrow, you can peel off whatever magazines you can keep whatever you can separate from the rest of the pile.

Yeah, the porn is used.

Anyway, just giving you a heads up. If there's any porn you want spread all over the living room, feel free to go for it. Have a nice night.

-Henry

(bed.)

We didn't really lay porn out, but the last tour that went through probably saw the giant wiener I drew on the shower door with my finger that morning.

eBay feedback for everybody

2007-02-22T06:54:00.000-05:00

I think we need to be able to leave eBay-style feedback on more things. Sometimes I feel the need to inform people of how other people are at certain things.

DID NOT USE TURN SIGNAL, WOULD NOT DRIVE BEHIND AGAIN
Uses dishwasher! great roommate!!!!!!!!!!!!
Asked me how I was doing but did not really care. Not a good Kroger checkout girl!
quick handjob a+++++++++ crack whore!

I was inspired with this idea when some asshole on the freeway cut over without using his turn signal and I thought to myself, 'I should give him some bad feedback, then everybody will know he sucks at driving.'

This characterizes two of the top uses for the internet: talking trash about people and complaining about your life

I hope you learned a lot about the internet today and continue to use it in your daily life.

(work.)

The #1 use for the internet is still the viewing and distribution of pornography. Just saying that now so nobody thinks I forgot it. I'm still keeping it real (by watching pornography).

Also, I think 'A+++++++ Crack Whore' sounds like the name of an avant garde techno/hardcore band.

More Google Analytics fun

2007-02-21T07:19:00.000-05:00

Searches used to find my blog include:

tubgirl virus
how to fix a squeaky bed
dishwasher leaving black specks on everything
how do you know if someone deleted you from aim buddy list
forklift woman tshirt
and the most disturbing: baby oiled men rub down

Top 3 non-google referrals:
3) Devin's blog (thanks much, Devin)
2) My Facebook profile (thanks, me)
1) A search at icerocket.com for 'sex with animals' (gross)

Top page for content?
'Google Analytics Keyword WTF'
(but that could just be because I included the tag 'sex with animals', once again making bestiality the main draw for this blog)

(work.)

I won some giant shoes

2007-02-20T07:24:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I won a pair of shoes in a contest held by Microsoft, but there's a catch: I can't wear them.

A friend referred me to a LeBron James-themed contest where you can win 'A pair of Nike Zoom shoes' or 'A Zune with LeBron's playlist on it.' So I fill out the entry form and see a screen that says, 'Hey, you won Nike Zoom Shoes from Microsoft. Check your email for confirmation.' I got excited, because I could use some new shoes.

Then I get an email saying, 'You won a pair of size 16 shoes signed by LeBron James.'

Ah, crap. What the hell am I going to do with a pair of giant shoes?

I've got over two and a half months until they arrive, so I have time to figure out what I'll do with them. Here's my current List of Things To Do With a Giant Pair of Shoes:

Wear my regular shoes, then put on the giant shoes for extra shoe protection
Raise children inside of them
Climb inside of one of them and hop around the Mushroom Kingdom.
Sell them on eBay to someone silly enough to want to pay for another person's giant autographed shoes

Do YOU have any suggestions?

(work.)

My roommate is a good guy, cat, hobbit

2007-02-20T07:23:00.000-05:00

My roommate's a swell guy and I'll gladly vouch for him if ever the ladiez are debating grabbing a slice of short Hebrew lovin'.

'Hey girl, you know how is name is Katz? Turns out we've got a coincidence on our hands and he's like cats, too. He's got an abrasive tongue. You ever receive oral sex from a cat before? Baby, you haven't lived.'

'You've seen Lord of the Rings before, right? Did you find those furry little hobbits sexy? If so, you should meet my roommate. He's got a ring for you, baby. It's his O-ring. C'mon, be the Samwise Gamgee to his Frodo Baggins.'

I've found that the best way to get a man laid is to compare him to animals and talk about Lord of the Rings. Women like that stuff, right?

(work.)

International That's What She Said Day

2007-02-15T06:50:00.000-05:00

Today is International 'That's What She Said' Day, so be sure to exhaust this punchline so you don't have to use it for another year.

I know it's a big deal and
it's really hard, but
do your best to keep it up.
You'll feel good when you're done, and
your friends will be impressed with your performance.

Forcing yourself to do it may hurt at first,
but in the end the payoff will be amazing.

See if you can do it all day.

I gave you a pretty good start, given that you could say 'That's what she said' after about 8 lines in this away message.

Go now, and embrace today! And don't get flaccid! (that's what she said)

(work.)

Valentine's Day gifts misinterpreted

2007-02-14T07:14:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

Here are some gifts you can give your girlfriend and the ways she can misinterpret what you mean by giving them:
Flowers - They're pretty but expensive and temporary, just like our relationship. Expect both to be dead in a few days.
Chocolates - Eat up, fatty.
A kitten - You're incapable of managing a child, so here's the first of many cats.
A poem - I don't like you enough to spend money on you. Plus, maybe I'm gay.
A song - I'd rather play the guitar than spend money on you.
Lingerie - Dimming the lights isn't helping you look better, so let's try something else. Something lacy.
A book - Boring people like boring stuff, right?

Enjoy your day, everybody, and if you're single and feeling down, just remember that in times like this there's nothing a little self lovin' won't cure. You know what I mean.

(work.)

I mean you should masturbate. A lot.

Cat Barf commercials and Norbit

2007-02-13T07:20:00.000-05:00

So last weekend the movie Norbit opened to gross over $34 million. What's strange is that only 9% of critics said it was good. That means that 91% of film critics think Norbit is a piece of shit, and said shit went on to gross $34 million in a single weekend.

Would this work with food? If commercials presented a soft drink called, oh I don't know, Cat Barf, and it was chunks of old cat food mixed with the stomach fluids of a cat, but it was presented in a really fun way, would people still buy it?

'The commercials for Cat Barf were really silly, so I bought a twelve pack. Food critics told me it was terrible, but they aren't half as zany as the guy who fell down and made a funny face in the Cat Barf commercial. He's hilarious!'

(Cat Barf jingle plays)
Cat Barf: you'll know it by that gagging sound!
(10-second shot of cat vomiting)

Don't see bad movies, friends.

(work.)

The lesson here is to be a smart consumer. Read reviews before you spend money and time on something, and don't drink anything that comes out of a cat.

Good thing she had those checked out

2007-02-12T06:47:00.000-05:00

Doctor: 'Fergie, we've taken a look at those lumps you mentioned.'
Fergie: 'My humps. My humps, my humps my humps. My lovely lady lumps.'
Doctor: 'Yeah...those. Anyway, it's cancer.'

(work.)

Who gave the dumb girl WD40?

2007-02-07T07:16:00.000-05:00

The printers we use at work have some moving parts that get to be very warm, so imagine my surprise when a girl sprayed WD40 all over one.

We got a call yesterday reporting that one of the printers in the Language Resource Center was 'squeaky,' but when my fellow rover Chris arrived to fix the problem, a girl who works behind the desk there told him that she'd 'taken care of it.' Chris checked the supposedly fixed printer and found that the back of it had been coated in WD40.

Bitch, you just added something very flammable to something very hot. Unless everyone not being on fire was the problem, you didn't take care of shit.

She told Chris 'when I first sprayed it on there, the printer started smoking.' That's the first sign that you've done something dangerously stupid, you clowntard.

The lesson here is that when something is hot, don't add WD40 to it, unless you hate being not on fire, in which case, go crazy, you idiot.

(work.)

When Chris told her that she turned the printer into a fire hazard, she didn't apologize for inadvertently making a bomb. She seemed a little frustrated, like that's how she takes care of all of her problems. Maybe she uses WD40 to fix all of her squeaky gates, headaches, and yeast infections.

Either way, let's hope she can use WD40 to find a new job.

Bud Light spends too much on advertising again

2007-02-06T07:20:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was watching the Super Bowl ads on Youtube and holy shit, Bud Light paid a lot of money to remind people that they can still buy shitty beer.

In at least six commercials, people treated Bud Light like it was liquid gold mixed with the cure for sadness. In one commercial a guy gets his friend to play paper rock scissors for the last Bud Light, but instead he throws a rock at his face and takes the shitty beer. Another guy got an auctioneer to ruin a guy's wedding so he could drink shitty beer sooner.

What I learned from these commercials is that apparently a lot of people are poor and can't just go to the store and buy their own cheap, shitty beer, and instead have to hurt their friends to get it for free.

Sometimes TV makes me sad.

(work, and frozen boogers.)

If a friend of mine hit a guy with a rock so he could drink some bad beer, I'd have to pull him aside.

"Hey buddy, are things going ok at work? You just hit that guy with a rock for a Bud Light. That's worth maybe, maybe two dollars. You still have a job, right?"
And he'd start holding back tears and say, "Bud Light makes the pain go away."

Come to think of it, though, I think every character in a Bud Light commercial must be unemployed, because that's the only way someone could love shitty beer so much. Think about that next time you're watching one of the seventy-two Bud Light commercials currently airing on TV right now.

Inventive Birdseyes throughout history

2007-02-05T07:53:00.000-05:00

You already know Clarence Birdseye invented the frozen food process, but what about the OTHER inventive Birdseyes?
1302 - Joseph Birdseye invents bees.
1742 - Ignatius Birdseye discovers the kiwi fruit, originally naming it 'the fruity camel testicle' (but changing it after copyright issues arose).
1864 - Gerald Birdseye debunks the popular myth that a woman cannot get pregnant if her male counterpart is wearing a top hat more than 6 inches tall
1912 - Walter Birdseye invents the twelve-pronged fork, which is received with little excitement.
2437 (and 1934) - Zervich Birdseye is the first human to go back in time just to fuck with people by lying about an apocalyptic event that must be prevented at all costs.

(work.)

I thought I just made up the name Zervich for the first time because it's so goofy, but Google told me that apparently there are people out there who have the name Zervich and aren't from the future. OR ARE THEY?

You're somehow less creepy bringing a 12 year old boy with you

2007-02-02T06:47:00.000-05:00

Yesterday there was a knock at my door, so I open it and there's a tall man standing next to a very bored looking child. The guy immediately jumps into his 'let's talk about God' speech, so I said I had to go, he gave me a pamphlet, and I closed the door. Run of the mill door-to-door God salesman, right?

Well then why he did bring a child with him?

Did he think walking around by himself would be creepy so he decided he'd be less creepy if he walked around with a 12 year old? The kid looked like he'd be happier selling magazines or, I don't know, not hanging out with an old guy all night.

The kid didn't seem to have any part in the guy's speech other than, 'Hi I'm Paul, this is a child, you want a fat bucket of God up in your bidness?'

Man, that guy sucked.

(work.)

If you're going to sell me God, at least tell me the kid's leprosy was cured or something.

"Look at Timmy here. Looks healthy, huh? Well, would you believe that Timmy used to be a dragon? A dragon that was Jewish. Timmy used to be a big, scary Jewish dragon addicted to children's Tylenol. Now he's a boy, all because of the Bible. So, you in?"

And I'd say, "No thanks, but that was a lovely story." I'd even read that stupid pamphlet he handed me, provided it had some sweet dragon illustrations in it.

"Where'd you get that little dragon book?"
"A Christian, can you believe it?"

Your child is a germ monster

2007-01-31T07:11:00.000-05:00

This morning I saw a commercial that started off with a woman saying, 'You love your kids, but sometimes they can carry germs.' Then her son came home from school and suddenly his body was covered in multicolored germs. Then he touched a phone and the phone got germs, too. Then his little sister walked toward the infected phone and I yelled, 'No, Sis, don't do it!' at my TV.

Thankfully they showed a can of Lysol and said, 'But Lysol kills germs!' and then the mom sprayed Lysol on the phone and the germs went away. The commercial ended with something like, 'Buy Lysol because your kid is a fucking monster,' but I wasn't happy. The monster's still out there.

Why don't you spray your kid with the Lysol, lady? He's got germs on him and clearly he isn't bathing, so why not spray him down with your magic can of Lysol? Get it on his clothes, in his hair, and most importantly, in his eyes. That little shit's going to infect your whole house if you don't stop him, so blind him with Lysol and throw him outside, and whatever you do, don't let him back in.

He might have germs on him.

(work.)

Tyra Banks vs. World of Warcraft

2007-01-30T07:23:00.000-05:00

Recently Tyra Banks brought in a psychologist to tear a World of Warcraft addict a new asshole. Basically a guy didn't take care of his stupid baby because he plays WoW too much. However, the WoW addict didn't argue his point very well.

The psychologist said, 'You know, I think you started playing because you're afraid to be a father.' The WoW addict didn't say anything, but what he should have said was,
'I'm not afraid to be a father. It's just that babies are boring, and last night I went on this sweet raid with my guild and got some awesome loot, and what do I get if I hang out with my baby? Fond memories? Lame. Call me when you drop some fire armor, baby. That is, unless you're too dumb to use a telephone.'

My point here is that babies are boring. That's all.

(work.)

To watch Tyra, some "doctor," and the mom sit around and talk smack about the WoW addict, check Part 1:

Tyra's really good at knowing stuff. This is evidenced by how she says things like, "It's just a game, and the game is fake, but you're real, and you're a beautiful human, and he's wrong, and World of Warcraft isn't real." Good for her.

In Part 2, The WoW addict is brought in, he makes up some crap about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, then he and the know-it-all gang shred his World of Warcraft installation discs.

(after the cameras stop rolling)
WoW Addict: I don't have to uninstall the game or delete my account, do I?
"Doctor": Do what now? I don't know what you're talking about.
WoW Addict: Nevermind.

He doesn't even own a bed

2007-01-28T23:46:00.000-05:00

I used to feel ambitious for starting work at 7am every weekday, but when I mentioned my work schedule to Amy's dad, he shot me down.

(I yawn after dinner)
Amy's Dad: 'Tired?'
Me: 'Kinda. Been up since 6.'
AD: 'I was having my second cup of coffee at about that time, because I've been up since 4.'
Me: 'Yeah, well, I worked until 5, and I went to bed after midn-'
AD: 'Did I say 4? I meant 2 in the morning.'
Me: 'That doesn't sound realistic.'
AD: 'Last time I woke up, it was September.'
Me: 'Okay, you've made your point.'
AD: 'I DON'T OWN A BED.'
Me: 'I get it, I'm lazy.'
AD: 'There's a pile of straw in the corner of my bedroom where I make my wife sleep.'

The lesson here is that if a man prides himself on working hard, don't talk to him about work or he'll force his wife to sleep on the floor.

...or something.

(bed.)

Sometimes I'll think about waking up really early just so I could say, 'I've been up that long, too,' but I don't want to start waking up at the crack of dawn just to win a pissing contest.

Interviewee wants to bang my sister

2007-01-27T06:50:00.000-05:00

This week I'm doing interviews with potential rovers, and for the most part they're going very well. However, we've had a couple interviews that just straight up sucked.

So we're interviewing this mediocre guy for the roving position, which involves driving a van around campus and delivering and/or fixing things. As soon as we told him that this was the job for which he was interviewing, he looked crestfallen.

It was like we'd just told him that the job would require him to walk around a retirement center wearing a nightgown, occasionally spanking all the old people with a cricket paddle (unless he's into that sort of thing, in which case it's like we told him the job wouldn't involve cross dressing and butt spanking).

So he looks confused and sad after getting the details, so he asks us:
'Well...um... are you hiring any consultants right now? You know, the people in the fishbowl?'
'No we are not.'
'Oh.'

So that was awesome. I hope that guy doesn't date like he interviews.

'Wow, so this is our first date, huh?'
'Yep, it sure is.'
'Hey, can I have sex with your sister?'
'Nope.'
'Oh.'

And like with most bad dates, we may not be seeing him again for a while.

(work.)

Nice tits, though.

Shaving cream on my toothbrush

2007-01-25T06:57:00.000-05:00

You know you're too tired to function when you get out of the shower and squirt a huge glob of shaving cream onto your toothbrush.

There was that pause immediately after I did it, too. One where I realized what I had just done and then silently screamed '...fuck!' to myself.

It was like I woke up knowing I wouldn't have anything to say this morning, then my brain nudged me and said, 'Nah, don't worry about it, I've got your back.' Then five minutes later I'm standing there with shaving cream on my toothbrush thinking, 'I hate you, brain. I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns.'

Then my brain says, 'How can you hate me when all you're thinking about is what Bea Arthur looks like under all those old lady clothes...?'

Then I, realizing I'd just challenged my own brain to a fight I'd never win, unwillingly got a mental picture of Bea Arthur undressing as a look of horror spreads across face.

(work.)

My away messages can get weird when I'm tired, but there's not much I can do about that. My brain likes to anthropomorphize things.

Cell phone shopping with ass pennies

2007-01-23T17:48:00.000-05:00

I'm going to Verizon to get a new phone. There will be some negotiating, which means I'll need confidence.

Good thing I put all those pennies in my ass this morning.

(new phone.)

I ended up getting the VX 8300, and thanks to this blog, I'm able to hack the crap out of it (read: "set video game songs as ringtones").

Well done, Verizon. I was able to shop at your store without getting things put in my butt (unless you count the pennies I put there earlier).

Not so much a super power as it is osteoporosis

2007-01-23T07:05:00.000-05:00

I used to pride myself on my ability to fall asleep in 5 minutes from any given moment, but then I read an article that said I don't have good focus, but instead I'm just really sleep deprived. So I don't a superpower after all.

In the shower this morning I was thinking of someone else who has a negative condition but uses it for good.

Let's say a man has the ability to break any of his bones at the drop of a hat. Also, let's say his bones are evil. His radius and his ulna want to get together and rip off a bunch of credit card numbers from the internet, but this man just breaks his goddamn arm and saves the day. He's a hero.

Now imagine how he feels when he reads that he just has osteoporosis.

So... uh, the lesson here is to always drink milk, unless your bones are evil, in which case you'll want to break them later. Stay in school.

(work.)

The water cycle happens, landlord

2007-01-22T07:14:00.000-05:00

The other day I was scraping ice off my car in the parking lot of my apartment when my landlord drove by. Now, my car has a leak in it, so sometimes the inside of all the windows get ice on them, too. So he sees me scraping ice with a door open and he yells out his window, 'What happen?'

When someone yells something out a car window at you, you've got about five syllables to make your point. After that, your response is too complicated and nobody listens to you.

With that said, I couldn't yell, 'My car has a leak and allows cold air into my car so I have to scrape ice off the inside.' He'd start driving away before I'm halfway done saying that.

'What happen?'
'My car has a leak and allows -'
'OK BYE!'
'Shit.'

Our exchange could have gone like this:

Landlord: 'What happen?'
Me: (I shrug and look at my car) 'The water cycle.'
Landlord: 'Oh, ok.'

(work.)

Google Analytics keyword WTF

2007-01-19T12:06:00.000-05:00

Recently the site has seen about a tenfold increase in traffic coming in from people searching for stuff. Fortunately, I have Google Analytics, which can tell me exactly what people were searching for when they found this blog. Most of the searches involve away messages for Facebook, but some of the others...are a little off. Check this out:
Frisky ferret dildo?! Why, God, Why?!

I haven't used these words together before, but separately? Sure:
Frisky - "The printer is frisky, needs sex" - I accidentally told a guy that a printer was horny
Ferret - "AHHHHH FERRET CAGE!" - in reference to the Most Hated Smell pen project
Dildo -"a purple dildo dipped in paint" - the only writing utensil more embarrassing than a pink princess pen

But, to date, I've never used those words together. At least, not until now, which means one thing: I've got the "frisky ferret dildo" search locked down.

(not actually on AIM 'cause the computer's sick.)

Other interesting searches that got someone here:

"funny boob away messages" - because tits are hilarious...?
"how to write sweet messages for my girlfriend" - you found the wrong place, buddy
"dreams of water while sleeping" - from the guy who just searched for "best laundry detergent to get pee out of bed sheets"
"show your titts blog" - I have yet to post a picture of an exposed breast, but if someone were to offer one...

AIM convo: how do u know my name

2007-01-16T21:23:00.000-05:00

Yesterday a stranger IMed me. His profile revealed his first and last name and he didn't seem to be aware of this, so I took advantage of the situation.

B P 1718: wat is your name
B P 1718: i hear about you from a freind
J aCkAs Skid: which friend? and what is your name, David?
B P 1718: how do u know my name
J aCkAs Skid: THE INTERNET!!!
B P 1718: ahhhhhhhh
B P 1718: SERIUSLY HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW MY NAME
J aCkAs Skid: I had to call every Smith residence to get your first name. It was a lot of work
B P 1718: HOLY CRAP

And he was not kidding. Kid's kind of an idiot.

(bed.)

People ask me where I find these people, and the answer is that I don't. They find me. Usually they get my screen name from my old website. Back in 2004 when the website was in its hayday, I'd post AIM conversations, people would would read them and put me on their buddy list, then months, sometimes years later they'd send me instant messages wondering who I am because they'd forgotten. This often led to hilarity, or if I was feeling lazy, they just led to me sending Goatse.cx to people who may or may not be too young to drive. Whoops.

If I'm feeling ambitious, I'll post the rest of my conversation with him because it was pretty funny.

An awkward chat with Chachee

2007-01-15T06:52:00.000-05:00

When I worked at a grocery store over the summer three years ago, I had trouble talking to my coworkers.

For example, one time Chachee (sic), an attractive married woman in her early 20s, was telling me about how she gave Bryce, an also-married coworker who shared some sexual tension with Chachee, a ride home.

'So Bryce was flirting with me as usual during the car ride, then when I dropped him off, I told him, 'I'm going to go home and have sex with my husband now!''
And I, being socially inept, responded to her story with, 'Poor guy.' Then realizing she may think I was saying her husband was unlucky, I added, 'Bryce, I mean. Not your husband. He gets to have sex with you.'

Awkward.

(work.)

Making chit chat with my coworkers at the grocery store was hard for me. I'm surprised I didn't say something like, "Bryce is the poor guy, I mean. You know, because he doesn't get to have sex with your husband."

Must-See TV, eh?

2007-01-12T01:02:00.000-05:00

Tonight NBC said there was a Must-See episode of ER on tonight. I don't think that's a fair description of something. 'Must-See.' They're not even giving you an option, are they?

I can agree that sometimes heart medication is Must-Take and water is Must-Drink, but something being Must-See? I can't get behind that marketing campaign. I think we can get by without watching ER, at least until the doctors in that show start prescribing insulin.

I couldn't use that kind of language in other parts of my life. I couldn't walk up to my girlfriend and say, 'Hey, have you heard? NBC said my johnson is Must-Feel. Tonight at 10pm (9pm Central).'

(bed.)

I won't eat anything with googly eyes

2007-01-10T19:13:00.000-05:00

The difference between vegetarians and vegans is that vegetarians don't eat meat for whatever reason, whereas vegans don't eat animal products for strictly moral reasons. What this means is that to be a vegan, you have to do a lot of research before you eat anything.

If you're a vegan and you accidentally eat a mint, and this mint is made of a type of gelatin in pig feet, then guess what? You're going to hell. Or...I don't know what you do, but you should be ashamed of yourself.

Usually the vegan diet comes down to, 'Did any part of this food come from something that had a face? If so, don't eat it.'

I'd like to get a bunch of vegetables together and put googly eyes on them, then put a sign up above them that says, 'What now, vegans?'

...though I'm sure their response would be something like:
'I'm not eating those.'
'Why's that, vegan? Can't eat vegetables now that they have a FACE?'
'No, you attached those googly eyes with glue, you ass.'

See, I thought googly eyes were self adhesive, but after an embarrassing amount of time spent researching googly eyes for sale online, I learned that glue is now the googly eye adhesive of choice.

You learn something new every day. However, nobody said it was going to be interesting.

(work.)

Renaming your maids for the trophies

2007-01-10T01:42:00.000-05:00

This fictional conversation was in my head earlier. Just thought I'd share.

'You ever get the idea that you're supposed to be doing something else with your life?'
'Amy, you're talking to someone who likes writing but went into psychology. I hate psychology.'
'No, you hate people. There's a difference. Anyway, what I'm getting at is that when I was little, my music teacher wanted to send me to music school because she said I had a lovely voice, but my mom wouldn't let her. To this day I feel like I'm never going to do that. I could have been a great singer.'
'And now you're doomed to be a successful lawyer. It could be worse, trust me. Besides, you'll be using that voice in the court room to help put bad men in prison.'
'I'll never see any singing awards with my name on them. Not if I'm just a lawyer...'
'And that's fine. You'll have enough money to train one of your maids to sing. Then, when she's really good, you can legally change her name to yours. You'll have enough lawyering money to do that. You can rename people when you're rich. Then you'll finally get those singing trophies with your name on them.'

(bed.)

And if that doesn't work, you can always just buy the damn trophies. Nobody's going to see if you actually won them anyway.

Vegans and turducken

2007-01-09T07:21:00.000-05:00

Yesterday at 6:54pm, a vegan sensed danger. He grabbed the arm of the other vegan on the bean bag next to him and looked into the distance.
'Something horrible is about to happen,' he said as a single tear rolled down his face.

'Turducken's done!' yelled Prashant, pulling from the oven a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey wrapped in bacon.

The other vegan's right arm went numb and the first vegan's nose starting bleeding. 'What's happening?' asked the first vegan.

'Everybody grab a slice!' yelled Prashant to his guests. 'Plenty of turducken for everybody! Oh, and there's sausage stuffing between each of the birds.'

Both vegans said nothing, because by now their heads had exploded.

(work.)

While Prashant happily served up the turducken like a good host, I couldn't help but feel like somewhere vegans knew what we were doing. Kind of like when the Death Star blew up Alderaan and Obi-Wan Kenobi said, "I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened."

Only this was different. Some vegans down the street winced when Prashant cut the turducken and said, "Something terrible is happening. A bunch of fatasses are eating three birds wrapped in a pig."

Turducken is Russianly stackable food

2007-01-08T18:57:00.000-05:00

I'm about to eat turducken. That's a bird inside a bird inside a bird. If I didn't know better, I'd assume a dish with this many levels is Russian.

As Russianly stackable as turducken is, I'm guessing it's American. It probably happened like this:
'We're having a turkey for Thanksgiving. What else should we have?'
'Duck.'
'No, that wouldn't work. Our table's not big enough.'
'Put it in the turkey.'
'That's absurd.'
'Not as absurd as the chicken I want to put inside the duck.'
'Okay, funny man, what goes inside the chicken, then?'
'A smaller bird... but what's smaller than a chicken? Hey, how about Marshmallow Peeps?'
'I'd hate you if that didn't sound delicious.'

'Hey, looks like Henry's running out of ideas.'
'Yes. Yes he is.'

(Turducken.)

I've provided a visual aid to help everyone understand what a Turducken is:

Looks appetizing, huh?

If there's any time in your life to think you're a failure, it's while you're searching the internet for the very best picture of a Marshmallow Peep. I went through about 10 pages of Peep-related search pages all the while thinking, "I graduated from college and now I'm doing this?!"

Chewing tobacco: It's that good

2007-01-07T23:58:00.000-05:00

Today I saw an ad for Grizzly Chewing Tobacco. It was just a picture of chewing tobacco with the words 'IT'S THAT GOOD,' under the Grizzly logo.

The problem is they aren't telling you what 'that' refers to. If they had a picture of a guy selling his house to buy some chewing tobacco, it's that good.

If there was another ad where a woman renounced her Mormon faith for Grizzly Bear Chewing Tobacco and then went to hell for its fresh taste, then yes, it's that good.

And finally:
A man rushes into a burning building, then seconds later emerges out a second story window clutching a newborn baby. He lands safely with a smooth tuck and roll action and the crowd of onlookers cheers for this anonymous hero.

Then he rips the baby's head off to reveal that its neck is filled with delicious Grizzly Bear Chewing Tobacco. A woman screams.

It's that good.

(turkey.)

Anybody else have ad ideas for the fine folks at Grizzly Chewing Tobacco?

(Bonus: Proof that this stupid tag line really exists)

I accidentally ate bugs

2007-01-05T06:46:00.000-05:00

This next part's kind of gross, so don't read it within 30 minutes of eating food.

Yesterday I was eating Kashi cereal for dinner when toward the end of the bowl I noticed a couple of tiny black specks floating in the milk. I looked closer and then realized oh shit, those are bugs.

So, I thought, what do I do now? Quit eating the fucking cereal, obviously. But now do I throw up? I mean, just how many bugs did I eat without realizing it? Were they always in the food or did they climb in up off the table? Are they going to lay eggs?

Then I started thinking about how nutritious the bugs were to stop myself from throwing up. 'Some cultures eat them all the time, right? I think I read that in National Geographic.'
'Did you?' I thought back at myself. 'Did you really read that or did you make it up? Also they probably clean the bugs first, and they're most likely different bugs. Healthier bugs.'

So I, not sure if the bugs that may be in my stomach were even dead, just drank a beer really fast to supposedly kill them, but even then I wasn't sure if they weren't going to lay eggs.
Maybe pouring beer on bugs is like pouring water on a gremlin, ya know?

So I may be sick today, but I feel fine, at least until an army of bugs bursts out of my stomach.

(work.)

I thought about how bugs supposedly have a lot of protein in them, and how all that protein was good for me, and because of all the protein I should have no problem eating bugs that may have been crawling around in my cereal for weeks, because at least it's healthy.

But I don't even know if bugs have protein in them. I think I just assumed they did so I didn't feel sicker.

Wiitards

2007-01-04T06:50:00.000-05:00

Whenever I tell someone that I own a Wii, more than half the time that's followed up by the other person asking me if I've broken my TV yet.

Let me set the record straight here:
If you break something expensive while playing the Wii, you're either a moron, a child, or you're drunk. If you're playing it right, you're flicking your wrist in different directions, not wildly flailing your arms around the room, endangering your friends, your family, and most importantly, your television.

In conclusion, the Wii is safe and fun, not a death machine. If you manage to injure yourself badly or break something expensive, you're what some people would call a 'Wiitard.'

There, I said it. The awful pun has been made.

I'm going to work now.

(work.)

They all suck at math

2007-01-03T06:47:00.000-05:00

On New Year's Eve I went to the MGM Grand Casino in Detroit with Amy's family for an hour and a half of gambling.

When I first walked into the casino, I realized that everybody in it had something in common. From the young people losing at craps to the really, really old people losing at slots, they all had one thing in common: they all suck at math.

It didn't matter if these people were from Detroit or they drove in from the suburbs. Yes, they all shared that special bond of absolutely blowing at statistics and probability. Sure, they're all there to lose different amounts of money (no matter whether it's supposed to be for tuition or if their grandkids should inherit it), but at the end of the day, it's because they're all horrible with numbers.

Seriously, people. The casino doesn't stay in business because everybody's winning.

(work.)

Google Analytics top keywords

2006-12-23T17:49:00.000-05:00

Google Analytics lets me know how people are finding this blog. Here's a screenshot of a pie chart of the top 3 search queries used to get here:

Even though I'm a little surprised the word "gay" will get you to my blog so easily, I'm proud that I could inspire such a ridiculous pie chart.

I can't think of many scenarios that would lead to this pie chart otherwise.

Marketing Guy 1: "Okay, so we've taken a poll of homophobic Jewish men who don't want people having sex with their broken iPods. We had them choose between the three things that make them angry."
Marketing Guy 2: "What were the results?"
Marketing Guy 1: "This really fucked up pie chart."

He wrote a rape story, and not even a good one

2006-12-20T07:20:00.000-05:00

Last year I was in an advanced creative course and the first day of class we all talked about our creative processes. One guy told us that he liked to write his stories at the bar, and he looked kinda nerdy, so I thought, 'oh, so he writes his Dragonball Z fan fiction while sitting by himself at Good Time Charley's. Good for him.'

That same guy volunteered to have his first paper peer edited that next week and wow, I couldn't have been wronger.

He wrote a rape story, and not even a good one. People got raped and they cried and there wasn't even much of a plot between all the pointless swearing, the Capitalization for No reason and, you know, the rape.

I got competitive and thought 'well, heck, I could write a better rape story than this guy. I'm new to the rape genre, but at least I'd use symbolism and motifs and I'd try to tell a touching story ... about... rape...?'

Yeah, that never happened.

(work.)

Anybody else take a creative writing course and get a classmate like this? And are there any other Creative Writing Classmates you think are recurring?

I'll start:
There's almost always the sorority girl who blatantly adapts her stories from her own life. Every story had a protagonist who looked and acted just like her and, coincidentally, every story was really bland.

Conversations with law students in a loud bar

2006-12-19T07:23:00.000-05:00

I'm glad Amy's become friends with some awesome people at law school, but sometimes I feel like always seeing them at the bar and not being a law student too makes the conversation between us not as good as it could be.

(We are in a bar. Very loud music is playing.)
Me: 'HEY GUYS.'
Them: 'LAW SCHOOL?'
Amy: 'OH YEAH, LAW SCHOOL!'
Them: 'HAHA, LAW SCHOOL!'
Amy: 'LAW SCHOOL, AND THEN LAW SCHOOL.'
Me: '...COMPUTERS?'
(pause)
Them: '...LAW SCHOOL? LAW SCHOOL!'

To be fair, all my coworkers and I do is yell 'COMPUTERS' at one another all day, and it's not even loud where we work.

(COMPUTERS!)

Learn about the computer

2006-12-14T06:50:00.000-05:00

The other day I saw a commercial that said, 'Learn about the computer.' Yes, 'the computer.' Like it's just one entity, floating overhead, watching you. And now some no-name school can teach you all about it! Go drive the car to our school and learn about the computer today!

I could tell this commercial was made by and for the computer illiterate. Certain phrases are a dead giveaway that you suck at technology.

Right now at work some dudes are repairing our walls. They'll walk by and see me checking my email on my lunch break and say something like, 'These people are computer wizzes.' That's something a mom says about the guy who installs Microsoft Office on her computer at work. 'Wow! Surely you are a wizard, or 'wiz' for short. How do you work this 'mouse' thing you keep talking about? And do I have to feed it?'

(Fixing the all-seeing computer in the sky.)

To be fair, I'm sure these people are much better at doing certain things than me. I don't know my car from a washing machine on wheels, and I churn butter like a n00b.

Experience points on a weekly timesheet

2006-12-13T07:17:00.000-05:00

If you grew up playing video games, you may have wanted to grow up to be some adventurer who quests for glory and slays evil on a daily basis. You wanted experience points and gold pieces.

Well, now I'm in the real world, and the experience points are now hours on a timesheet. My gold pieces are directly deposited into my checking account every two weeks. My broad sword is a screwdriver and my trusty steed is a white van filled with computer parts.

Something has gone horribly wrong.

(dungeon crawling from 7:30 to 4:30.)

Super permanent markers, Eccentric Day

2006-12-08T08:40:00.000-05:00

Sharpie makes the 'permanent' marker, and I think calling it that is bold. What's even bolder is the fact that they have a 'super permanent' marker. I don't know how you explain that.

'Our old marker lasted forever, but this one even moreso.'

Sharpie Super Permanent marker: 'No, really, we mean it this time.'

I'm in Kalamazoo today, drinking beers at Bell's Brewery in a monk costume. This will be happening all day, so there's a good chance I'll be drunk for the next 12 to 16 hours.

(the drunkening.)

The Devil gets lazy

2006-12-07T06:52:00.000-05:00

I think being the Devil must be really hard sometimes. Someone asks you for something and you have to find a way to twist it into something terrible. Like if some guy asks for the world's fastest car, you have to give him a car that's so fast he'll undoubtedly crash it.

But you ever think the Devil stops caring?

'Wow, the Devil, you made me the richest man on the planet, but where's the cruel irony? Wait a minute...am I gay now? Is that it?

...That doesn't even make any sense. That's not ironic. That's just lazy. You can't just make people gay when they ask for something.

You're losing your edge, the Devil.'

(work.)

Yep, I'm running late, so that's why that was so stupid.

Also, this post got me thinking about the devil, evil genies, and leprechauns all share a propensity for cruel irony. Well, I've used the word "propensity," so I'll stop now and end on a smart note.

No idea if this vase is any good

2006-12-06T00:23:00.000-05:00

Tonight I discovered that it's impossible for me to form an opinion about vases. Amy and I were looking at vases online to get for my grandparents for Christmas, but try as I might, the closest I could get to an opinion about vases was 'yep, that one holds shit, too.'

Sometimes I get so far as 'that one holds shit and has shit painted on the side of it, too.'

Eventually I picked out a vase for us to get my grandparents. The card for it will say:
'Dear grandparents,
I have no idea if this vase is any good, as I can't form opinions about vases, but I can assure you that it cost a decent amount of money. Plus, it holds shit.
Merry Christmas,
Henry'

(bed.)

The card actually said something like, "I love you." I am such a pussy.

It's called an "away message"

2006-12-05T07:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I got this message:
SouthPOLEZ: Duuuuud
SouthPOLEZ: Duuuudie XD
SouthPOLEZ: Dude
SouthPOLEZ: How are you online yet not online?

SouthPOLEZ, it's called an 'away message.'

An away message is a message you put up to let everyone know you're not at the computer. While simply signing off does the same thing, an away message lets people know you're not there while still providing you the illusion of participation.

If you're in class or doing laundry, all of your friends will know this critical information, as will that guy you haven't talked to since middle school and some people who don't even know why you're on their buddy lists.

Did that answer your question, SouthPOLEZ?

(work.)

If you're not on AIM, you may learn something. If you are on AIM, this probably bored you, which is fine, because reading about how much you're at class all the time is pretty boring, too.

Man, away messages are dumb. And so are blogs about them.

I'm sad now :(

Young love tastes like mustard

2006-12-04T01:13:00.000-05:00

8th grade was a dumb year.

I had a crush on a girl in one of my classes (the girl with the biggest boobs, coincidentally) and I showed my love for her by writing 'I <3 (her initials)' in mustard whenever I made a sandwich.

This meant that not only had I found a dumber way to express myself than poetry, but I was putting a shitload of mustard on my sandwiches, too.

This meant that every sandwich I made tasted like mustard because I liked some girl in my class that won the pubertal lottery. That's stupid.

(bed.)

I wonder how that girl would feel if she knew that I'd been ruining my sandwiches because of her.

Me: "Hey, when I make sandwiches, I write your initials in them. In mustard."
Her: "Why?"
Me: "Because I like you."
Her: "Why didn't you just tell me instead?"
Me: "I really, really like mustard."
Her: "Really?"
Me: "No."

Facebook bananas, two-dimensional biases, and bastard children

2006-12-01T07:17:00.000-05:00

Facebook lets you post notes and share internet links. But you know what I can't post? Physical objects.

I'd like to post a banana to Facebook. Where it would normally say 'click here for the full story' when I post an item, this time it would say, 'We're sorry, you can't click it. It's a banana. Bananas aren't clickable. You just eat them, or put them in bread, or paint them if you're an artsy little shit like that.

'...why a website like Facebook has so much information on bananas, we'll never know.

'We'll let you get back to stalking that girl from your 8th grade math class. Carry on.'

Love,
Facebook Team'

(work: rain edition.)

I won't even attempt to explain this. I think I was really tired when I wrote this and I got mad that Facebook shares (websites or videos shared online) are so gosh darn... two-dimensional. This led to me suggesting that Facebook should let you post three-dimensional things like bananas and then things pretty much went downhill from there.

Still, I ended on a non-abstract note with that bit about you stalking that girl from your 8th grade math class. And here's a fun fact: If you look for a girl from high school and she's not on Facebook, then she probably never finished college. She probably dropped out or never went at all and got knocked up instead. In fact, she's probably giving birth out of wedlock right now.

Writer's block is no excuse

2006-11-30T06:47:00.000-05:00

When I'm late for work, I know I shouldn't be typing these damn away messages. If my boss were to ask, 'Hey, why'd you get here so late?' I couldn't say 'writer's block.' That's stupid.

I'd be better off faking an injury. Like right before I go into work I punch myself in the arm a lot, then tell my boss, 'hey, some guy punched me in the arm while I walked to work and I was too tired to shoo him away. You ok with that?'

Then he'd say 'Did you just punch yourself in the arm a lot?' I'd say 'yeah,' and then he'd punch me in the arm to teach me a lesson.

(work.)

I guess the lesson would be "your boss is kind of a dick sometimes."

Water Plus One

2006-11-29T20:32:00.000-05:00

Right now making dinner involves adding water to something, then eating it. But as soon as a meal involves more than two ingredients, no sir, I cannot make it.

(water+1.)

I'll be living with my girlfriend next year. Let's hope she likes soup, rice, and Kool-Aid, 'cause that's all I've got.

Okay, I've been lying. I'm able also to add butter and milk to things, too. On adventurous nights, I use my Foreman Grill, but beyond that, I'm restricted to microwaveables and fresh fruit.

My mouse is like a dog that clicks

2006-11-29T07:18:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I'll think about how my desk is like a kingdom and I am king. My chair from Office Max is my throne, and the keys on my keyboard are peasants who must do my will when I command them.

And...uh... my mouse is like a dog... that clicks.

Yeah.

(work.)

I'm not sure how it would work, but the idea of a clicking dog is endearing, even if it means that the dog is very ill.

"What's that clicking sound?"
"My dog."
"What's the deal with that?"
"Gear's loose or something. I don't know, I'm not a veterinarian. Or a mechanic."

Public access television and body mutilation

2006-11-28T07:16:00.000-05:00

A couple nights ago I went with a couple of friends to meet a guy who wanted to start up a TV show in town. The guy had a show in East Lansing, but now that he lives in Ann Arbor, he wants to do a similar show.

To show us what to expect, he showed us clips from his old show, including:

Some guys wearing wigs and talking in front of a green screen (fine, that's kinda weird, but yeah)
A man in a dress singing a song about... I forgot (I'll keep an open mind. Sure, this is...ok)
A man getting his scrotum sewn, then eating glass, then washing it down with urine and being maced (WHAT?!)

So if I decide to work on this show, do any of you feel like crudely injuring your genitals, throat, digestive tract, and eyes?

C'mon, be a pal.

(work.)

If everything goes smoothly, I'll be taping people mutilating their bodies by early February. Stay tuned!

What "It's Complicated" really means

2006-11-27T22:34:00.000-05:00

I think having the option of putting 'It's Complicated' as your relationship status on Facebook is a clever idea. As a general status, it can effectively broadcast to the internet that you may not be ready to meet new people.

However, unless you're using it ironically, I don't understand why you'd put 'It's Complicated with (actual person with which it is complicated).' Isn't that saying, 'HEY INTERNET, MY RELATIONSHIP IS HAVING PROBLEMS'? Why share that?

While we're on the subject of Facebook letting people share too much, you should also have to put down why you broke up with somebody. 'Mary broke up with Pete because he ass banged her best friend.' or 'Derek broke up with Sarah because she farted in bed.' People need questions answered, and they should be answered honestly and awkwardly.

And I think Facebook should talk about ass banging more.

(nap.)

If you want the internet to know that your personal life is having problems but you don't want to show it through Facebook, you can always go with something just as good:

Sad lyrics in your away message!

Here are some tips:

Try to find a song that talks about the way things used to be.
Find lyrics that rhyme "heart" with "torn apart" if at all possible, and
for the love of Christ, italicize your font and put it on a colored background.
Lastly, delude yourself into thinking that nobody will notice how openly sad you are. Think other people will think "That person is just listening to music" and ignore the fact that all evidence should make them think "That person is having an emotional breakdown in addition to really bad taste in music."

If you follow those simple steps, soon all your friends will know how sad you are and maybe they'll all tell you how great you are. Or stop calling. Not my problem, really.

Good luck!

Japanese poetry and diarrhea

2006-11-26T19:22:00.000-05:00

Today's away message haiku is:

Everything you do
Is much less enjoyable
With diarrhea.

(shower, grocery, meeting.)

I was going to put "Argue with that. I dare you," but then I started thinking about all the ways diarrhea could make my day better. Then I stopped thinking about that and decided I don't want to get into this debate with anybody.

But seriously, if you think of something, let me know.

Thanksgiving time-lapse movie

2006-11-25T15:48:00.000-05:00

How was my Thanksgiving, you ask?

I remember it happening very quickly.

Video courtesy of Dad.

(Saturday.)

If you're looking for me in the video, I'm the guy toward the middle of the frame sitting next to a lady (girlfriend Amy) and a younger dude (cousin Andy). This video showed me that I look goonish even in fast forward.

My buddy Ryan was kind enough to point out that shortly after the video was posted, the Youtube recommendations were:

Hobbit reversed wind technique
EAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER! (sadly, this video isn't up anymore, but I'm sure it was charming)
cat running into a wall

Last year's Thanksgiving memory: chest hair

2006-11-23T10:26:00.000-05:00

My fondest memory from last Thanksgiving is the time my aunt's date spilled something on his shirt, so rather than borrow a shirt, he just took it off and wore only his suit coat.

I wasn't there when the spill happened, so I saw him walk by and I thought, 'Wow, ballsy move wearing a bright pink and red sweater to Thanksgiving.' Then I took a second look and saw the truth:

I'd just seen the red hair on his very pink chest.

He hung out with his pink chest exposed for a few hours like there was nothing wrong with showing off your fluorescent Irish bosom to a bunch of strangers eating dinner. So that's my Thanksgiving memory.

Hope everyone has an awesome Thanksgiving this year.

Keep your shirts on,
Henry

(Turkey.)

For some reason that guy wasn't invited back. Strange.

Stay out of my apartment, blind burglars

2006-11-22T23:39:00.000-05:00

Because a large amount of the student population of Ann Arbor is going to be out of town this weekend for Thanksgiving, I realize that this is a great time to get robbed. As I hang out in my apartment alone, I know that at any moment the door may creak open or a window may shatter and I will have to run to the kitchen, grab a large knife and stab somebody.

So while everybody's out enjoying a bar night tonight, I'm relaxing here, waiting for my girlfriend to get into town, knowing full well that I may have to shove a steak knife into a burglar's chest at the drop of a hat (a hat that apparently tells me when to stab people).

Now that I think about it, though, my lights are on, so I probably won't get burgled unless the burglar is blind and unable to sense differences in light.

Basically what I'm saying is that I may have to stab a blind man tonight. It's not pretty (or likely), but it's something I'm willing to accept.

(chillaxin'.)

I'll be ready. I've been beating up on blind people for weeks now. Ya know, for practice.

Sleeping while dreaming while sleeping

2006-11-21T07:21:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a dream that I was really tired. If there's a dream that makes you feel like a silly ass when you wake up, that's it.

In my dream, I'm walking around my old elementary school's playground and I think, 'Man, I'm feeling really fatigued. I sure could use a nap. I guess I'll just lay down in this pile of moon rocks next to Sonic the Hedgehog. Wait a minute... ah, crap.'

Then I woke up and wanted to go back to bed but didn't, because I'd probably just have another dream where I'm tired and want to go back to bed.

(work.)

If you fall asleep while you're already dreaming, you enter a special dream world where you can visit the dreams of all members of mankind, living and dead. However, if you fall asleep in that dream world, you wet the bed.

Don't ask me why. I don't make these rules.

UM vs. OSU showdown at summer camp

2006-11-18T16:04:00.000-05:00

I think today's big game is a lot like when the poor kids with no money but lots of spirit have a race with the rich kids from across the lake on the last day of summer camp.

Michigan's got a consistently good football team and an excellent hospital, business school, and college of engineering, whereas Ohio State has the football team Sure, they win at football every year, but this is really all they have. Like the poor kids at summer camp, even if they win, it's just one victory. If Michigan loses, we're still better off in general, so stop freaking out about the damn game, everyone.

Also, Ohio State fans are generally assholes, so it's like the poor kids at summer camp are all cocks, too, so to hell with them and the dirt on their faces.

(food.)

Some friends of mine went down to Ohio State for the game. One of their friends, a woman in her early 20s of average height, got punched in the stomach on her way back from the bathroom at OSU's stadium. Then the woman-puncher took her cell phone and threw it into the street, where it was promptly run over. Shit, I guess OSU's football team really is better than Michigan's.

I mean, I've never punched a woman in the stomach, but then again, I'm not really that into sports.

UPDATE FROM THE FUTURE: Some googling brought me to this blog post, which supports what I've heard. Looks like Cedar Point is still the only good thing in Ohio.

Serious Christmas cards

2006-11-17T07:06:00.000-05:00

Amy got some Christmas cards featuring a kid with his tongue frozen to a flagpole on the front, then on the inside it says 'Hathy Holidayth.'

I thought that was nice, but then she said she was getting more serious cards for other people.

'Why? For old people who don't laugh or what?'
'No, just more serious holiday cards.'

Holiday cards...that are serious? How serious do you have to be around the holidays?

I took Amy's idea to the X-Treme and suggested she get Christmas cards with a picture of a reindeer on the front, then on the inside it says 'Remember the Holocaust.'

No way is she finding cards more serious than that. I shall dominate the Serious Christmas Card market.

(work.)

If you're afraid of people not taking you seriously on Christmas, you could always give them a card that's blank on the front, then when they open it up, it's the Pythagorean Theorum!

Math is no laughing matter.

Thank God she was ugly

2006-11-16T06:51:00.000-05:00

When I was in 8th grade, I had one of those middle school relationships. Ya know, there's a girl that you call a lot and you both have crushes on each other and sometimes, when things get hot and heavy, you hold hands and walk around the mall.

Well, I didn't see her in person all that much 'cause she lived a couple towns over, but when I did I kinda thought, 'ugh, she's not too good lookin'.' That soon led to 'Oh crap, does this mean I'm gay?'

Then a year later I got a different girlfriend, and we made out a lot, and I thought 'Whew, I guess the first one was just ugly. Thank God.'

(work.)

First Girlfriend, if you're reading this, I'm sure you were just going through an ugly duckling phase and now you've matured into a beautiful swan, your lovely brown eyes matched only by your long white neck and bright orange beak.

Triple decker Birdseye and hatred for binding

2006-11-10T23:16:00.000-05:00

Back when I worked at the bindery, I had trouble communicating with my boss. He'd try to shoot the shit with me, but I'm pretty sure he was just doing that so I didn't go home and hang myself after working in his shitty bindery every day of the summer.

For lunch, I'd pack myself sandwiches that had two layers to them. Bread, meat, bread, meat, bread. These sandwiches were probably the most exciting part of my day, which says more about the bindery than it does my sandwiches.

One day my boss walked by and saw the three pieces of bread and said, 'WOW! Triple decker Birdseye!' I smiled, then said, 'Well, it's not really a triple decker sandwich. There are three pieces of bread, but that just means there are two layers to it, which makes it a double decker sandwich. However, I get what you're saying.'' He'd stopped listening before I even opened my mouth, which meant that he had just made me some asshole talking about his sandwich on his lunch break.

Man, I hated that bindery.

(out.)

When I think about my favorite bindery experiences from the two months I worked there, I can come up with two. The first is the time a coworker made me this awesome macaroni and cheese on my birthday. The second is the time I took this huge dump at work and I got to stop putting art catalogs in boxes for like ten minutes.

Those are pretty much the fondest memories I have of the bindery. Eating and pooping.

Going to the bathroom at work was a treat because it was easily the most stimulating activity at the bindery. My two favorite bindery experiences could have been combined into one amazing day at work if the macaroni and cheese gave me the really bad diarrhea I so desired. I would have eaten lunch, punched in, then sat in the bathroom with my glorious, glorious indigestion at 8 dollars an hour.

Broom closet humor

2006-11-10T20:21:00.000-05:00

I thought of this on my way into my apartment. I think it'd be a good garnish for a bit on this particular janitor, but on its own, it's kinda stupid.

The gay janitor came out of the broom closet.

See? That's like a chef giving you a bit of parsley for dinner. Only I'm not a chef, unless you count the chef's hat I'm always wearing.

(food.)

You can tell that when I'm typing an away message that'll only be up for a short amount of time, my standards go way down.

I bet there have been all sorts of broom closet jokes throughout history. They've gone crossed roads, knock-knocked on doors, and yes, I bet gay janitors have come out of them before, too.

Alternative smear campaigns and babies with mustaches

2006-11-08T01:16:00.000-05:00

Now that the midterm election is over, I'm going to miss all those smear commercials.

'Jennifer Granholm hates jobs so much she burned down a factory that makes blankets for cold orphans. She also hates orphans. And blankets.' (camera zooms in on a blanket and fades to a photo of Granholm looking angry)

or

'Dick DeVos loves migrant workers so much he forced his own family to grow mustaches and speak Spanish. And he has a baby.' (camera zooms in on a baby with a mustache taped to its face)

I think the smear commercials that aired during prime time could have been more effective. Voters need to feel like the candidates don't care about the same things as them for the smear commercials to work.

'Jennifer Granholm hates Grey's Anatomy.'

'Dick DeVos can't really get into Lost.'

Voters will think 'What do you mean, he can't get into Lost?! Did he at least start with the first season?! Screw that guy, I'm voting for the Democrats.'

(bed.)

All politics aside, if one candidate liked Arrested Development and the other liked Everybody Loves Raymond, I'd vote for the Arrested Development candidate even if that meant all my tax dollars would go toward cocaine that would later be snorted off a little boy's butt.

Errr...I take that back. I pick my candidates like I pick my women: I vote for the candidate with the biggest titties. You're my girl, Granholm.

Voting and sodomy

2006-11-06T19:18:00.000-05:00

I expect all of you to Rock the Vote, just don't tell anybody for whom you're voting because that's really inappropriate.

This lady I used to work with at the bindery once got mad when I told her my preferred candidate in the 2004 election. She got offended and said, 'The two things you aren't supposed to talk about are politics and religion.' However, weeks earlier she had told me what it's like to have anal sex.

'It's just like when you're pooping. If something's in your butt, you want to get it out. That's what anal sex feels like.'

I learned that if you mention who you're voting for, that's uncalled for, but if you tell your coworker what it's like to have a butt full of dong, that's A-OK.

So rather than asking all of you your preferred candidates, I'm going to ask you this:

What's sodomy like?

Happy voting!

(home.)

A coffee can full of hypodermic needles

2006-11-02T14:16:00.000-05:00

Please stop clicking this message when it is sent to you:
you think I should put this picture On Myspace? http://img683.imageshack.us/my.php?image=picture57.jpg, I think my eyes look weird. do I look cross eyed in that pic to you? lol'

Clearly, it's a virus. It causes someone to begin a conversation with 'hey click this' instead of something like, say, 'hi.' If someone IMs you with that, tell them to go to jayloden.com and download Aimfix after they eat a dick for being so stupid.

Can you imagine if there were viruses in real life that got you to randomly convince strangers to infect themselves? You'd walk up to people you haven't talked to in years and say stuff like, 'HEY! Put your hand in this coffee can. There might be money inside!' when really the coffee can is full of hypodermic needles.

(Ratchet and Clank 3.)

When you're designing a virus that tricks a large amount of people into downloading infected files, you want to use a language they understand. In this case, it's the language of "OMG look at this pic on Myspace LOL." Not to help virus authors, but why not disguise a virus as a YouTube link? YouTube is generally linked to more than Myspace, plus I think the Myspace crowd already has enough problems with computers.

In case you don't know them, The Problems Myspace Users have are:

not knowing how to not get raped by strangers over the internet
setting bikini babes as tiled background images
liking shitty music, then forcing everybody who visits a page to listen to it

Am I missing any?

I'm not Catholic, but I'm circumsized

2006-10-31T02:01:00.000-05:00

Today I was filling out my DePaul application next to Amy and I got to the part where you designate your religion. DePaul was founded as a Catholic university, so the application has 'Catholic' and 'other.' I wondered if they were conveying a preference here.

I asked Amy if they can check to see if I'm Catholic.

'Is there a huge God Book where they can see if I was morphed into a Catholic?'
'I don't know, I'll ask my mom.'

So she calls her mom and asks if there's a God Book, and it turns out there's some kind of baptism registry. We sat and brainstormed ways I could scam DePaul into letting me in despite being on the fast track to hell.

'I'm circumsized,' I offer.
'That's for Jewish people,' Amy said, shaking her head.
'I heard that,' her mom said from Amy's phone.

So now Amy's mom knows more about my wiener than before.

Still in need of scamming ideas for DePaul...

(bed.)

Anybody have ideas that would help me in this situation? Should I...

pretend to be Catholic and hope they don't check,
put myself down as an agnostic, or
claim to follow another, less verifiable religion?

Any input would be appreciated.

Google almost turned me into a donkey

2006-10-27T07:16:00.000-04:00

Yesterday night, Google rented out Pinball Pete's and let everyone come in and eat pizza, drink pop, and play games. Everyone who was there had a really good time.

The event scared me, though. I was so happy I got suspicious.

These people are hiring for an amazing job and they're giving everyone free games and pizza with no catch. Remember in the story of Pinocchio when all the kids went to Pleasure Island and had a great time, and then they got donkey fever, turned into donkeys to be sold at the market? I felt like Google was letting us have that much fun. So much fun it'll only end in us turning into donkeys.

Still, I got a shirt, so that's awesome.

(work.)

Second reason why the event scared me:
If you want a job with Google, you have to talk to the reps that are there, and it becomes just like a high school dance all over again. The pretty ladies are walking around, waiting for you to talk to them, and you're too nervous to say hi, so you just end up nodding at them when you walk by. This kind of shyness will not result in a job of any kind, whether it be blow, hand, or salaried.

The event may not have turned me into a donkey, but after I was too scared to talk to any Google reps, I felt like an ass. Close enough, I guess.

LEFTOVER IDEAS:
Oh man, if I went out on a date with a girl and at the end of the night she leaned over and gave me a salaried job, I would be disappointed at first, then thrilled the next week when I started my new salaried job.

However, I'm pretty sure a lot of people at that company would have also almost gotten a blowjob from this lady and settled for a salaried, non-blow job, and that may be awkward. This woman must get around if she's going on dates with dudes and then exchanging employment for not blowjobs. I don't know how you'd set up something like that.

I just don't.

Hangovers and businessman turkey necks

2006-10-25T07:09:00.000-04:00

Yesterday at Bdubs some older guys bought us beer so they could have our seats. The thing is, we were leaving anyway, so basically we got free beer from some drunk businessmen.

However, the whole experience reminded me to start exercising. One of the older men had a neck that apparently went from the top of his chest directly to his chin. He didn't have that concave line going upward from his torso and then outward to his chin. Oh no, he had just a curve that was as grotesque as it was convex. Just a big ol' turkey neck, gobble gobble, here's a beer, thanks for the seat, remember to take up jogging.

Also I think I'm hung over. Damn this genetic bad tolerance, and damn my forefathers for giving me their weak livers! Damn you, great great great great great great grandfather for not inventing beer and then drinking it.

(work.)

When I'm feeling sick, I like to swear at my ancestors.

Amy phones an Indian man

2006-10-24T00:13:00.000-04:00

Tonight Amy's CD-rom drive decided to quit working and sit on the couch all day collecting welfare. Upon realizing she had to call tech support, she had this to say to me online:
Amy: it might be too late to call
Henry: to call me or to call an indian man?
Amy: (pause, as she calls tech support) fuuuuuck he's Indian
Amy: fuck fuck fuck!

And Amy's the more politically correct of the two of us. Just goes to show you that when cutting through a multi-layered onion of a computer problem, nobody wants to have to deal with the language barrier, too.

No offense, Indian people. You guys are great. ALL OF YOU.

(sleep.)

I mean it.

Loser Magnet and the lobsters

2006-10-20T07:12:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I saw a girl on the bus with a backpack with 'Loser Magnet,' on it. Now, unless that's the name of her favorite band, having those words there isn't going to help her make friends.

If men paid attention, meeting her on would go something like:
'Hey, mind if I sit here? Thanks. Say, don't you live in Bursley? That's cool. Hey, what's written on your backpack?'
(pause, guy looks at the words 'Loser Magnet' on her backpack)
'Well then, fuck you too, bitch.'

Some day she'll meet her dream guy. He'll be into the same music as her, like the same movies that she does, and he'll be wearing a shirt that says, 'I must be covered in Cunt Glue.'

She'll see that shirt, talk to him, and they'll fall madly in love, but then they'll break up once she finds out that Cunt Glue is actually just a band and she's attracted yet another loser.

(work.)

I wanted to sit down next to her and say, "Listen, what you've got written on your backpack right now makes you look crazy. Let me help you with that." Then I'd take out a marker and make a couple changes.
She'd say, "You just added a couple letters. Now my backpack just says 'Lobster Magnet.'"
"And now all the boys on campus will want to know what's so special about you that makes you attract lobsters. You're welcome."
Then I'd get off the bus, regardless of whether or not it's my stop, and I'd walk home feeling good about myself.

She'll go home and throw away her backpack while dozens of lobsters scurry toward her dorm room.

Hot lady starving in the lactose desert

2006-10-19T06:41:00.000-04:00

When I was a baby living in Colorado, I hung out with another baby named Danielle. Danielle's mom and my mom would hang out and do mom stuff, so Danielle and I hung out and took naps, drank from our ba-ba's, generally did baby stuff.

19 years later I was in Colorado for the summer selling fireworks and I saw Danielle again. Turns out she was an aspiring model, which is a big change from the last time I saw her and she just sat around and shit herself all day.

One night we hung out and she showed me her modeling portfolio. In every picture she looked emaciated and sad, like the photographer was saying things like, 'You're tired, baby. You're stranded in a desert and it's so hot and you're exhausted. But what's this? The desert is suddenly made of cheese. And oh no, you're lactose intolerant, so you can't eat all that tasty cheese. Look hungry and helpless, baby, 'cause you're in a cheese desert.'

(work.)

Needless to say, I told her she looked great and hoped she'd have sex with me. Instead of engaging in Hot Post-Diapers Reunion Coitus with me, she and her sister smoked pot in the front seats of her car while I sat in the back seat in silence. I haven't talked to Danielle since.

True story.

Homeless lady's got commercials

2006-10-18T07:17:00.000-04:00

There's this homeless lady who walks around Ann Arbor screaming to herself and let me tell you, it's incredible.

I'm not exactly sure how she operates. Yesterday I was walking past her while talking on the phone and she started yelling. She wasn't yelling directly AT me, but she was yelling like she wanted me to overhear her.

I was on the phone talking to my buddy Dan when I hear her yell, 'IT WAS A LOVELY TIME,' and I pause because I want to know what exactly was such a lovely time.

'ARRGH THAT BITCH!' she yelled next. Hmmm. Maybe it wasn't a lovely time.

Then she walked past me and yelled, I shit you not, 'AFLAC!'

This woman entertains me more than most TV shows, but hearing that last part got me to think, 'Ah shit, she's got commercials, the most capitalist of homeless person disorders.'

(work.)

I have to wonder when she saw a commercial for Aflac. When does a schizophrenic homeless person find the time to watch television or listen to the radio enough to hear Gilbert Gottfried yelling "Aflac!"? Was she off-duty?

Susceptible to bullets, death rays, and alligators

2006-10-17T06:40:00.000-04:00

Well, it's time to start yet another day of fixing things that other people have broken.

I don't know how Superman does it. If I have to drive more than five minutes to unjam a printer I get furious. Why can't these people unjam the printer themselves? Can they not read the error message that pops up? Come on, you idiots.

I don't think my attitude would change if I was saving people, either. I'd swoop down from the heavens and punch a bank robber in the face, then fly away muttering, 'stupid citizens can't even deflect bullets with their feeble human ribcages...'

So I'm off fixing stuff, while you continue being susceptible to bullets, death rays, and alligators.

(work.)

...because fixing printers all day makes you immune to bullets, death rays, and alligators.

Looks like this is the second entry in a row in which I'm documenting my slow descent into delusions of grandeur.

Printer-related knowledge is exciting

2006-10-16T19:13:00.000-04:00

It may be Fall Study Break for you Michigan students, but for me it's The Extended Weekend With Less Paper Jams.

Sometimes when users are waiting for me to fill or unjam a printer, they get impatient and ask 'will the printer work if I print?' I want to explain and say, 'Yes, I'm loading tray 4,which is on the bottom, but the printer moves paper upward, so it'll just print from trays 2 and 3 while tray 4 is open.'

But I know they won't listen, just like you probably stopped reading as soon as I offered more than four words on whether or not the printer worked, none of them being 'yes' or 'no.'

I live an exciting life.

(work for another 4 hours, because the first 9 hours today weren't enough.)

When I'm at the doctor and something's wrong with me, the doctor always tries to explain what's happening, even if it's too complicated for my stupid non-doctor brain. When I'm fixing a printer and somebody's waiting for their lecture notes, I tell them what's happening and they look at me like I'm speaking Portuguese. Backwards. Out of my butt.

If your lecture notes matter that much to you, then do us both a favor and treat the printer like your kidneys are inside it and I'm the only person who can save your kidneys (or at least get them out of the printer).

I know what I'm doing here, much like a doctor, and while this may not affect you in the long term the way a doctor finding a tumor in your scrotum would, it's affecting the next five minutes of your life. Long story short: Please listen to me, because until you realize that most printer jams can be fixed without me, you need my help.

Tune in next post, when I go on a vicious rant about how it bugs me when people jam the stapler and then borrow pens and don't return them! Man, I hate that!