Dear coworkers, take my shifts, wear my shirts

I sent this email to my coworkers in an attempt to get them to pick up sub shifts for me:

Hey consultants and rovers,

I'm going to Colorado from July 5th to July 12 to win a breakdancing competition, which will help save an orphanage, a bird sanctuary, and a retirement center from being bulldozed and turned into a strip mall by a major corporation (read: "going to a family reunion"). That leads me to this pitch:

Need extra money this summer? Yearning to work for the greater computing good? Enjoy answering software and stapler-related questions and/or driving a sweet white van with AM/FM radio? I have the solution for you!

C 1 A L I S T A B L E T S!


Er, I mean, Angell and Roving sub shifts! Who wants 'em? (The answer is "awesome people")

(list of available shifts)

All awesome people who pick up my Angell shifts get to wear my Henry/Hack nametag (even if you're a girl!). Rovers typically don't wear nametags, so if you want to wear some of my stuff during my sub shifts, come over to my house and you can borrow a shirt or something.

Big thanks to those of you who can help out.

Henry Birdseye
Begging at your feet

(work.)

Nobody's picked up any shifts yet, but on the upside I sold three boxes of Cialis tablets and a few replica wristwatches. If you don't get that joke, you probably have a good spam filter set up. Good for you.