Love, a microwave, and three to five minutes

Marie Callender's fettucine alfredo takes me back to a time when my grandmother would take the freshest ingredients and tenderly make a delicious pasta dinner using only love, a microwave, and three to five minutes (depending on the microwave).

(Rock.)

What bothers me most about Marie Callender's Frozen "Meals" isn't that they're unhealthy. Oh no, frozen meals are notorious for causing heart attacks before they're fully digested. The packaging Marie Callender (personally) uses, however, is wildly inappropriate. Banquet's simple red packaging says "Here's food. Eat food." Hungry Man meals, which don't even try to be healthy, may as well be called "Fat Guy Dinners." Marie Callender, on the other hand, takes a different approach:

Marie Callender's home-cooked foods:
A grandmother made it. You love your grandmother,
DON'T YOU?

Don't lie to me about where my crappy food came from. If you make your food with machines in a factory, then don't talk about how the food's made. Don't come up with a charming story of an old lady who loves fresh ingredients. If you want to provide a cute "how your food was made" story on the box, just say "A robot made this." Or better yet, "A robot grandmother made this with her metal hands."

I'd buy frozen food that featured a robot grandmother, especially if the back of the box had a picture of her shooting laser beams out of her eyes while she fought a zombie Elvis in a post apocalyptic New York City.