Valentine's Day gifts misinterpreted

Happy Valentine's Day!

Here are some gifts you can give your girlfriend and the ways she can misinterpret what you mean by giving them:
Flowers - They're pretty but expensive and temporary, just like our relationship. Expect both to be dead in a few days.
Chocolates - Eat up, fatty.
A kitten - You're incapable of managing a child, so here's the first of many cats.
A poem - I don't like you enough to spend money on you. Plus, maybe I'm gay.
A song - I'd rather play the guitar than spend money on you.
Lingerie - Dimming the lights isn't helping you look better, so let's try something else. Something lacy.
A book - Boring people like boring stuff, right?

Enjoy your day, everybody, and if you're single and feeling down, just remember that in times like this there's nothing a little self lovin' won't cure. You know what I mean.

(work.)

I mean you should masturbate. A lot.