Gift certificate for Japan

I don't know how to feel when I receive a gift card, because gift cards say, 'Here, go buy something, but only at this one place.'

Sure, the gift card's thoughtful because the person who gave it to you knew that you liked shopping at a particular store, but really the gift card is just limiting where you can spend your money. Had they just given you cash, you could have spent that at a million more places. Now you can only spend it at that one place.

Next Christmas if someone gives me a gift card, I'm getting them some yen. They'll look at me like, 'Yen?' and I'll say, 'Yen. That's a gift certificate for Japan. Hope it's not too out of the way for you.'

(work.)

Valentine's Day gifts misinterpreted

Happy Valentine's Day!

Here are some gifts you can give your girlfriend and the ways she can misinterpret what you mean by giving them:
Flowers - They're pretty but expensive and temporary, just like our relationship. Expect both to be dead in a few days.
Chocolates - Eat up, fatty.
A kitten - You're incapable of managing a child, so here's the first of many cats.
A poem - I don't like you enough to spend money on you. Plus, maybe I'm gay.
A song - I'd rather play the guitar than spend money on you.
Lingerie - Dimming the lights isn't helping you look better, so let's try something else. Something lacy.
A book - Boring people like boring stuff, right?

Enjoy your day, everybody, and if you're single and feeling down, just remember that in times like this there's nothing a little self lovin' won't cure. You know what I mean.

(work.)

I mean you should masturbate. A lot.