Hot dog disagreement (I'm moving to Chicago)
I move to Chicago on Wednesday. I'll share contact information once I'm settled.
I hear a lot of, 'So...Chicago, huh? You like those Chicago hot dogs?' Normally when people are making casual conversation with you you need to agree with them or disagree in a funny way, but so far all I've thought of is, 'No, I don't like Chicago hot dogs.' Then both of us will just stand there in hot dog disagreement. We might talk about hot dogs a little more, or one of us will walk away. Either way, I fucked up my end of the Chicago hot dog discussion.
My neighbor Dave took a unique approach to casual conversation when he heard about my move. 'Chicago, huh? That city fucking sucks. I hate it.'
What do I say to that?
'Yes, friendly neighbor, my future home is in a shitty place, and I moved there because I suck. It was nice talking with you, now I'm going to go into the garage and eat a bag of horse turds because I make bad decisions.'
(errands.)
I spent a couple minutes thinking about whether it'd be funnier if I was eating a bag of regular turds or eating a bag of horse turds. I eventually settled on horse turds because I decided that someone going out and actively looking for horse turds to put in a bag and bring home was funnier than someone just collecting turds they had lying around the house.
I hear a lot of, 'So...Chicago, huh? You like those Chicago hot dogs?' Normally when people are making casual conversation with you you need to agree with them or disagree in a funny way, but so far all I've thought of is, 'No, I don't like Chicago hot dogs.' Then both of us will just stand there in hot dog disagreement. We might talk about hot dogs a little more, or one of us will walk away. Either way, I fucked up my end of the Chicago hot dog discussion.
My neighbor Dave took a unique approach to casual conversation when he heard about my move. 'Chicago, huh? That city fucking sucks. I hate it.'
What do I say to that?
'Yes, friendly neighbor, my future home is in a shitty place, and I moved there because I suck. It was nice talking with you, now I'm going to go into the garage and eat a bag of horse turds because I make bad decisions.'
(errands.)
I spent a couple minutes thinking about whether it'd be funnier if I was eating a bag of regular turds or eating a bag of horse turds. I eventually settled on horse turds because I decided that someone going out and actively looking for horse turds to put in a bag and bring home was funnier than someone just collecting turds they had lying around the house.
posted by Henry at 2:30 PM
3 Comments:
To your friend who said Chicago sucks, you should have said something like, "Well, if they bring back prohibition, it's a great place to start bootlegging hooch. Maybe open a speakeasy or two where jazz cats can come and smoke reefer and drink. But you're right - Lansing is better. I hear they're opening a new Home Depot, and the starting pay is $10 per hour! ...Dick." That would have ruled.
Horse shit is probably higher in nutrients than regular good old shit you have lying around the house. I'd feed the horse corn ahead of time just for good measure.
Chicago is like being a garbage man.
Smells all day.
Is surrounded by trash.
Girls don't like it for what it is.
Didn't go to college.
Has bodies hidden in places no one will ever find them.
Takes it's time watching my little sister when she plays outside with her friends, that pedarest motherfucker.
Perhaps the good will outweigh the bad if what happened to anyone of the rich and famous bastards on this list: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_from_Chicago happens to you.
Go, get famous Henry and make Miles Davis proud.
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home