Hot dog disagreement (I'm moving to Chicago)

I move to Chicago on Wednesday. I'll share contact information once I'm settled.

I hear a lot of, 'So...Chicago, huh? You like those Chicago hot dogs?' Normally when people are making casual conversation with you you need to agree with them or disagree in a funny way, but so far all I've thought of is, 'No, I don't like Chicago hot dogs.' Then both of us will just stand there in hot dog disagreement. We might talk about hot dogs a little more, or one of us will walk away. Either way, I fucked up my end of the Chicago hot dog discussion.

My neighbor Dave took a unique approach to casual conversation when he heard about my move. 'Chicago, huh? That city fucking sucks. I hate it.'

What do I say to that?

'Yes, friendly neighbor, my future home is in a shitty place, and I moved there because I suck. It was nice talking with you, now I'm going to go into the garage and eat a bag of horse turds because I make bad decisions.'

(errands.)

I spent a couple minutes thinking about whether it'd be funnier if I was eating a bag of regular turds or eating a bag of horse turds. I eventually settled on horse turds because I decided that someone going out and actively looking for horse turds to put in a bag and bring home was funnier than someone just collecting turds they had lying around the house.

Volcano diarrhea and the first chat room

Today, while riding a train back from Chicago, I ate a microwave cheeseburger from the cafe car.

The microwave cheeseburger is one of those inventions that probably seemed really clever at first.

'I've found a way to make a cheeseburger hot and ready to eat in less than two minutes! I'll sell this idea and get rich!'

Then he'd actually eat the microwave cheeseburger and, an hour later, he'd poop lava while muttering, 'What have I done? I just wanted to help mankind, not give it volcano diarrhea.'

Bastard cost 5 dollars, too.

(bed.)

The same process of well intentions and deep regret happened with many other inventions. Albert Einstein talked about splitting atoms or whatever, then they made a bomb and he was sad. Scott Chatroom, inventor of the chat room, at first thought, "People can finally meet on the internet and discuss things intellectually!" then soon people were swapping pornography and calling each other fags.

The very first chat room conversation went like this:
MeInventedChatRooms has joined the first chat room
Intern8235 has joined the first chat room
MeInventedChatRooms: Hello? Is this working? Wow, after years of work, here we are!
Intern8235: hay scott, ya wuts ^?
MeInventedChatRooms: Wow, this is incredible!
Intern8235: wutevr. u want porn? s2r
MeInventedChatRooms: I'm afraid I don't understand, intern.
sK8RbOiDooD182 has joined the first chat room
sK8RbOiDooD182: Wut up? U got porn? press 555
Intern8235: 555
MeInventedChatRooms: How did you get in here, sk8rboi? Hello? What's happening?
SLAYERdeathSTAB has joined the first chat room
SLAYERdeathSTAB: u guys r fags
Intern8235: fuk u homo
MeInventedChatRooms: Anybody want to talk about photosynthesis?
sK8RbOiDooD182: I did ur mom fag
SLAYERdeathSTAB has left the first chat room
sK8RbOiDooD182 has left the first chat room
Intern8235 has left the first chat room
MeInventedChatRooms: Um, can I uninvent this?
MeInventedChatRooms has left the first chat room

Scott Chatroom went with the screen name "MeInventedChatRooms" because "IInventedChatRooms" repeats the I's too soon and it looks confusing. "MeInvented" is obviously the next logical option.

Popeye's without the spinach

While in Chicago, I tried Popeye's Chicken. Strangely, there was no spinach in my meal. This bothered me. If your restaurant is called Popeye's, you better be shoving spinach into every entrée, appetizer, and dessert. If there was a restaurant called Garfield's, it'd serve lasagna. Pac-man's? Everyone would eat dots. And ghosts.

You'd expect Popeye's to do me a favor, ya know? Fill my biceps with boat anchors, battleships, nuclear bombs, etc. Instead, I just ate greasy chicken, then opened a pack of cards commemorating the last 11 WrestleManias.

Apparently every meal is a children's meal at Popeye's. Everyone gets cards depicting well-oiled men kicking each other. That's just part of the Popeye's experience, ya know?

Shoulda gone with Taco Bell instead.

(Food, meeting, but sadly, not a food meeting.)

Chicago demands one dollar bills

Chicago taught me that anybody can ask for money, no matter how small a favor they do you. If a guy is juggling in a subway station and you happen to look at him, you owe him a dollar. If a man takes your suitcase out of the trunk once your taxi stops and you didn't even ask him to, you owe him a dollar. It's like people think I'm made of generosity and small bills.

And that makes ME want to do stupid shit so I can get all my goddamn dollars back. I'll learn how to ride a unicycle and then go around town on my one wheel demanding money for my unique trick.

I also thought about inventing a counterfeit money machine that only makes one dollar bills, but that's stupid because you should at least make 20s. Also giving homeless people fake money is really mean.

By the way, you owe me a dollar for reading this.

(Bed.)