Teenage Mutant Ninja Mall Security Guards

The Ninja Turtles had sharp weapons and not once, not once did they chop off someone's head.

You'd think they'd at least acknowledge the idea that Leonardo could slice a bad guy in half if he felt like it. They could say, 'Oh, we're good mutant turtles, we'll use nonviolent restraint' or some shit, then they can just get clubs and tazers and not have to worry about accidentally murdering someone. But those weapons would suck. Who wants to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Mall Security Guards?

But really, who carries two swords and doesn't disembowel muggers for me for a half hour every day after school? You've disappointed me, guys. Deliver a dozen heads to me by sunrise, then we'll talk again.

(Bed.)