International That's What She Said Day

Today is International 'That's What She Said' Day, so be sure to exhaust this punchline so you don't have to use it for another year.

I know it's a big deal and
it's really hard, but
do your best to keep it up.
You'll feel good when you're done, and
your friends will be impressed with your performance.

Forcing yourself to do it may hurt at first,
but in the end the payoff will be amazing.

See if you can do it all day.

I gave you a pretty good start, given that you could say 'That's what she said' after about 8 lines in this away message.

Go now, and embrace today! And don't get flaccid! (that's what she said)

(work.)

Must-See TV, eh?

Tonight NBC said there was a Must-See episode of ER on tonight. I don't think that's a fair description of something. 'Must-See.' They're not even giving you an option, are they?

I can agree that sometimes heart medication is Must-Take and water is Must-Drink, but something being Must-See? I can't get behind that marketing campaign. I think we can get by without watching ER, at least until the doctors in that show start prescribing insulin.

I couldn't use that kind of language in other parts of my life. I couldn't walk up to my girlfriend and say, 'Hey, have you heard? NBC said my johnson is Must-Feel. Tonight at 10pm (9pm Central).'

(bed.)

Alternative smear campaigns and babies with mustaches

Now that the midterm election is over, I'm going to miss all those smear commercials.

'Jennifer Granholm hates jobs so much she burned down a factory that makes blankets for cold orphans. She also hates orphans. And blankets.' (camera zooms in on a blanket and fades to a photo of Granholm looking angry)

or

'Dick DeVos loves migrant workers so much he forced his own family to grow mustaches and speak Spanish. And he has a baby.' (camera zooms in on a baby with a mustache taped to its face)

I think the smear commercials that aired during prime time could have been more effective. Voters need to feel like the candidates don't care about the same things as them for the smear commercials to work.

'Jennifer Granholm hates Grey's Anatomy.'

'Dick DeVos can't really get into Lost.'

Voters will think 'What do you mean, he can't get into Lost?! Did he at least start with the first season?! Screw that guy, I'm voting for the Democrats.'

(bed.)

All politics aside, if one candidate liked Arrested Development and the other liked Everybody Loves Raymond, I'd vote for the Arrested Development candidate even if that meant all my tax dollars would go toward cocaine that would later be snorted off a little boy's butt.

Errr...I take that back. I pick my candidates like I pick my women: I vote for the candidate with the biggest titties. You're my girl, Granholm.

Homeless lady's got commercials

There's this homeless lady who walks around Ann Arbor screaming to herself and let me tell you, it's incredible.

I'm not exactly sure how she operates. Yesterday I was walking past her while talking on the phone and she started yelling. She wasn't yelling directly AT me, but she was yelling like she wanted me to overhear her.

I was on the phone talking to my buddy Dan when I hear her yell, 'IT WAS A LOVELY TIME,' and I pause because I want to know what exactly was such a lovely time.

'ARRGH THAT BITCH!' she yelled next. Hmmm. Maybe it wasn't a lovely time.

Then she walked past me and yelled, I shit you not, 'AFLAC!'

This woman entertains me more than most TV shows, but hearing that last part got me to think, 'Ah shit, she's got commercials, the most capitalist of homeless person disorders.'

(work.)

I have to wonder when she saw a commercial for Aflac. When does a schizophrenic homeless person find the time to watch television or listen to the radio enough to hear Gilbert Gottfried yelling "Aflac!"? Was she off-duty?

Cleaning dried vomit off a Comcast modem

A while back I talked about how, after a ridiculous night of drinking, I ended up barfing on my bedroom floor.

Well, I've long since moved out of that room, but today I returned my old modem and cable box to Comcast and surprise! There was a little puke on the modem.

I figured they'd notice this. 'Excuse me, sir, but there's four-month-old burrito splatter on our modem.' I don't want to explain that.

So instead I used a combination of my index finger and fresh saliva to clean dried vomit off of a modem minutes before I was to return it to a kind old woman working the front desk.

Not my best moment.

(bdubs.)

To answer an inquiry I received, I did not apply the saliva directly to my finger. Rather, I spit on it, then wiped down the modem. Then I handed the spitty modem to an old lady working for a company whose motto is "Comcast - We thank you for choosing us, but we both know we're a monopoly."

And as you may or may not know, the best way to beat a Monopoly is to throw up on it, then give it back to itself.

It's important to note that this tip does not work with the game Monopoly.

I would have insulted you with girl parts instead

A while ago at a Smash Bros tournament I was trash talking some guy and I said something along the lines of 'YOU WILL EAT BALLS NOW.' Then he said, 'What if I'd like that?' That kinda confused me, but I let it slide.

Then I saw the guy's facebook profile and noticed that he put 'Madonna' under 'favorite music.' I just want to go back in time and say 'Hey man, sorry, didn't know you were gay. You could have just told me you liked Madonna earlier and I would have, ya know, insulted you with pussy instead.'

(bed.)

Now that I think about it, there are probably better reasons to go back in time. I won't tell you what they are. That's for you to decide.

Yesterday I saw a lady with Coke bottle glasses walking down the street screaming at nobody in particular. "I HATE YOU, BEN FRANKLIN," etc. Man, where's her reality show? I could watch her walk around town all day yelling "FUCK YOUR CHEESE, YOU ASSHOLE" or "FUCK YOUR ASSHOLE, YOU CHEESE" at fire hydrants, street signs, and demon spirits. When you're clinically insane, you're a lot more unpredictable than Paris Hilton hilariously doing something wrong for the millionth time, and unpredicitability is what makes reality television so special.
Especially when the star of it craps on a stranger's porch and then steals his mailbox.

Visual opiate of the male masses

I'd say something mean about the Art Fair, but right now I'm playing Time Crisis 3 on Jarrod's gargantuan television, and there's no way you can be mad while looking at that thing.

That TV is like boobies: the visual opiate of the male masses. Only there's an input for DVD players and Playstations.

So Jarrod's TV is like Boobies++.

(Bang bang.)

Boobies++ is a projection TV, so we couldn't play Time Crisis 3. However, Lego Star Wars and Resident Evil 4 looked better than real life. Unfortunately, they lacked boobies, so you win this round, Real Life.

Ghost Rider vs. Ghostwriter

There's a Ghost Rider movie coming out. Looks like Nicholas Cage will play the comic book character with a flaming skull head who fights for justice.

Did anybody ever see that show Ghostwriter on PBS in the early 90s? A cast of ethnically diverse urban children solved mysteries with the help of Ghostwriter, a ghost that could communicate by moving letters around. Ghostwriter was depicted as a dot and some lines.

Anyway, I think the two should fight. They sound alike and that bothers me, so naturally one of them has to die in combat.

I've even prepared a visual aid:


Looks to be epic.

(Bed.)

Spoiled bitches, the C word

You ever watch something on TV out of pure hatred?

I stumbled upon My Super Sweet 16 on MTV last night. The show's called that because rich girls celebrate their 16th birthdays in a super sweet kind of way. However, they could convey a more accurate sense of what the show's about by calling it Spoiled Cunts Obsess Over Petty Shit (or SCOOPS, because I just accidentally made an acronym.)

One girl asked her dad to get Eminem for her party, then thought her dad actually got Eminem (she asked her dad if her guest was from Detroit and her dad said he wasn't telling.) Then when some random guy performed a song he wrote for her, she started crying.

Then her dad got her a car that cost more than my college tuition. At the end, she summed up the evening by saying tearfully, 'I got a car, and I am, like, a totally new person.'

Apparently New Car + Cunt = New Person and not just Mobile Cunt.

(Saucers.)

I know a lot of women don't like the word "cunt," but if you were to watch this girl use her catchphrase, "that's juicy," not only would you start throwing around the word "cunt" like it's a frisbee at a Sunday picnic, but you'd start to hate white people.

Now, I'm as white as the night is not, and I saw this girl go "Oh my God I love that expensive French dress! Too bad I can't get it. I thought Paris was known for fashion," and I was ready to join the Black Panthers.

You see this overly elaborate birthday party and you think, "GODDAMN IT WHITE PEOPLE JUST GET A CAKE." Or at least I did, but I'm notoriously pro-cake.

A celebration of puberty and orthodontics

Tonight at the all-ages Tally Hall concert, I was bothered by the sheer amount of younger folk there. They were all young, bright-eyed, and enthusiastic. It was a celebration of puberty and orthodontics.

I generally wanted these younger people to leave. Many of them sang along, and when you're standing next to someone singing along, it looks like you're enjoying the concert less than them, and that's ridiculous.

I just wanted to bust out the ol' pubes and say, 'LOOK AT THESE! I have earned them. Stop singing or I'll take them out again.'

And that's where growing older has brought me: making empty threats that involve my pubes. Getting older sucks.

(Bed.)

Fun fact: I wrote entry this while I was drunk last night, then added it to the blog this morning. I don't remember writing this one as much as others, and it kind of feels like someone else wrote it. It's like Drunk Henry was ghostwriting for Sober Henry. The most disappointing part about that is I can't tell if there's a difference of quality. Apparently I sound like a drunk guy all the time.

Remember that show Ghost Writer? This ghost would talk to kids, but he could only do it by moving letters around. Somehow he couldn't just possess people and say stuff like a normal ghost.

Anyway, you think he ever got drunk and abusive toward his kid friends? Like he'd scramble all the letters around on the drink menu and the kids would have to figure out what he's saying.

"'Hmmm, it says GO __CK Y__R S_LV_S"
"Ghost Writer, what could that mean?"
"I don't know team, but that's continue to stroke our chins in thought."
"I've got it!"
"Well then, what is it? Maybe we've solved the case!"
"I think he's telling us to go check our slaves."
"..."
"Alright, let's go check our slaves. Thanks, Ghost Writer!"

For those of you who love riddles but can't solve them, Ghost Writer just told the kids to go fuck themselves. It's kind of important to the slaves joke that you get that first, but whatever, I can only do so much.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Mall Security Guards

The Ninja Turtles had sharp weapons and not once, not once did they chop off someone's head.

You'd think they'd at least acknowledge the idea that Leonardo could slice a bad guy in half if he felt like it. They could say, 'Oh, we're good mutant turtles, we'll use nonviolent restraint' or some shit, then they can just get clubs and tazers and not have to worry about accidentally murdering someone. But those weapons would suck. Who wants to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Mall Security Guards?

But really, who carries two swords and doesn't disembowel muggers for me for a half hour every day after school? You've disappointed me, guys. Deliver a dozen heads to me by sunrise, then we'll talk again.

(Bed.)

He's not a nuclear missile. Just a dude.

Not one but TWO of my professors have said something along the lines of, 'Well, MLK Day is next week, so we won't have class Wednesday or Friday.'

Are they being racist or lazy? Are they thinking, 'Uh oh, a black person day. Better lay low for the next week.' or 'Hey, random holiday, let's go home early and watch VH1 talk about everything else that's on TV.'

If MLK Day were a terrorist attack, I'd understand. A bomb goes off, then fine: stay home for a couple days, relax. But it's a holiday celebrating a civil rights leader. He's not a nuclear missile. Just a dude.

But on the upside, VH1 will be running a marathon of I Love What Just Happened 5 Minutes Ago and I sure do love not going to class...

Hey, learning! You should do it, too, unless you want to scoop elephant crap at the circus.
(TV.)

Poop hats for the unoriginal

I think the worst suggestion for a video game I ever read would be, 'We need to have quotes from Chappelle's Show. There should be a guy who says, 'I'm Rick James, bitch!' '

Someone wrote that in a forum for a video game I'm working on and I just about reached through the internet and shit on his head so that everybody at school would have to see his new Poop Hat. You get a Poop Hat if you have stupid ideas. The Hard Poop Shell in your hair keeps the dumb ideas in your brain from going out into the world and making people do stupid things, like ruin video games with unfunny, overused quotes.

Kids, quote sparingly. Just because you remember funny things does not mean you are being funny. Any laughs you get are from you repeating words another person said, so don't take it as positive reinforcement.

Be original, or y'all get poop hats.

(arcade + TV.)

Open letter to TV

Dear TV,
Stop interviewing professional athletes. They are not around because of their thoughts and intelligent words. They are there to throw things and run. I don't want to hear about how it was a great game because they gave some mathematically illogical percent or because that's how the game is played.

You throw the ball, we watch you do that, and the only words I want to hear out of you are swear words because someone else got the ball.

Also I don't think country music should be able to have a song called, 'Honky Tonk Badonkadonk.' Awful rap music has invaded enough aspects of pop culture. Please, rednecks, keep on singing about trucks. The second I hear a country song about skeet skeet, I kill a puppy. No questions asked, just a dead puppy. This is your warning.

Awake from 3:30am to 7pm. This was a long day.

(Bed.)

Save Arrested Development

There's a protest outside the Law Quad today. No, not one about fundamentalist whatevers in WhoGivesaShitistan. It's about reviving something second to only Jesus, and even then I wonder if they should tie (at least in terms of entertainment value).

The protest is for Arrested Development. I imagine they might be handing out frozen bananas. Not sure when it starts, but if it's going well, you should be able to see it fine. If you can't see it, then it's been a failure and one of the best shows on TV is not returning because of you. That means you killed our television savior. Hope you like reality TV and awful, awful sitcoms like The War at Home, because that's what you'll get if you don't start eating frozen bananas outside the Law Quad.

(Activism.)

This was the only time I really gave a shit about something happening on campus. I'm not directly affected by Israel, or Palestine, or third world labor laws (at least not enough to hold a sign in public), but Arrested Development makes me laugh, so suck it, Meaningful Causes.