Alarm Clock ESP

I suffer from a rare condition that effects the Henry Birdseye III population at a rate of about 100%.

You see, many people's brains help them out by being psychic. Some people can guess blackjack cards. Others can lift small objects just by thinking about it. My brain, however, has a little ability I like to call Alarm Clock ESP. Let me explain.

If I were the good type of psychic, my brain would say, 'Hey, you've got 18, but the next card is a 3, so hit and you'll get blackjack.' My brain, however, will wake me up just 5 minutes before my alarm goes off. 'Hey, check this out,' my brain says. 'You're going to have to wake up soon.' Then I wake up and see my clock 5 minutes before it goes off, so I go to bed knowing that I have 5 awesome minutes of sleep ahead of me.

Stupid brain lets me trash talk him, too.

(work.)

There's a part of the brain that makes sure you don't sleep in by waking you up before your alarm clock. That part of the brain is an asshole.