Valentine's Day, Solitaire Style

Dear World,

It's just Valentine's Day. If you have time to mope around via away messages, then you have no excuse being sad. By being near an online computer, you are showing the agency needed to get porn. You get porn, I say you crack open a bottle of champagne (or cheap beer. your call.) and crank one out, Solitaire Style.

Nobody has ever said, 'Man, that orgasm was great, I think I'm going to go cry now.' At the very least, you'll just take a nap or something.

In conclusion, shut up and masturbate, whiners.

(Bed.)

Being single on Valentine's Day should really be about empowerment, not moping. I bumped into a platonic lady friend today and gave her an impromptu speech about loving yourself on Valentine's Day. I then told her to go home, pick out a toy, and celebrate this holiday by herself. I'm pretty sure she bought into it, too, 'cause she looked like she felt a lot better after I told her to go home and masturbate. Also, this was in a large, crowded computer lab, so I'm sure I empowered a lot of strangers, too.