Identity theft, Pac Man, and you

Did you know that IDENTITY THEFT can happen to anyone, especially YOU?

IDENTITY THEFT allows HACKERS to view and even CHANGE vital information about your life, such as your CREDIT CARD NUMBER, your SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, and your BIRTHDAY.

By using HACKER COMPUTERS, the hackers can take your information from COMPUTER SERVERS and become YOU. After that, they can break up with your boyfriend on your behalf, as well as sleep with everybody to make YOU look like a SLUT.

Eventually you will have to fight the HACKERS who have STOLEN your identity to the DEATH because there can be only ONE.

Scientists can perform tests to determine if a person is YOU or your IDENTITY IMPOSTER, but all of these tests involve putting things in your butt.

(Work, Angell 7:30-11:30.)

Moms, like women, don't understand computers. That's because moms ARE women. That is just one of the many revelations I have in my brain right now.

That statement is not entirely unfounded. If you have lived in Ann Arbor in the past 4 years and at any point you have had a vagina, then there's a 26% chance I've helped you with your computer. Don't blame me for my sweeping generalizations; blame both your girl parts and numbers.

Whenever there's an article or news report on technology, the wording in it usually implies that computers are scary spook boxes. This is because the news has to speak to everybody (include both moms AND women), and often that means using phrases along the lines of, "Hackers hacked into the computer mainframe and took all the files."

Then they cut to a clip of someone playing Pac Man. "Those dots are your files. The yellow thing is hackers. Those ghosts? We don't even know, but eyewitnesses have reported that sometimes they turn blue."