Grandma, the Nigerians want you to learn computers

I think you could get old people to use computers better by turning their weaknesses into strengths.

Right now, telling old people to install Firefox to reduce the amount of spyware on their computers doesn't make sense to them. They won't do that because right now they can just click the blue 'e' and they're on the internet! Just like that! They can play internet mah jongg forever now, thanks to the letter 'e'!

Now if you told them that if they didn't install Firefox then a ghost would visit them at night and tell them the name of their crush, they might install it. If a nice Nigerian man would share his fortune with them if only they'd run regular spyware checks and update their antivirus software, they'd do it.

Maybe we could get them to get 22 of their old friends to do it, too, because if they don't, they'll have bad luck for 22 years and nobody will ever love them so PASS IT ON!!!!!!!!!

(work.)

For those of you not familiar with Nigerian scams, those are the ones where bad men and women in Nigeria send emails to strangers and say things like, "I'm a Nigerian prince. If you give me some money, I'll be able to give you a LOT of money, so please give me all your banking information." The sad thing is, some people suck at the internet so badly that they fall for these scams.

Fortunately, the heroes at 419eater.com have mastered the art of scambaiting. This is when they'll email the scammers back and pretend they're interested in their offers, but only if they can prove that they'll really send them money. They'll respond to an email with, "I'm a member of the Church of Fish and Bread. Could you please prove you're a member of the church by sending me a picture of you putting fish on your head and eating bread?" This leads to the potential Nigerian scammers attempting to prove themselves to the 419eater people by doing ridiculous things.

For example:






The best part about these pictures the people in them are criminals, so you don't have to feel bad. Hooray! See 419eater's trophy room for more awkward pictures of bad people.

Bad news you can understand

Knowing about computers in a world where most people do not means you've got to give a lot of bad news to people who don't understand what they've done.

I think that we, as tech people, should explain to them what they've done in their terms.

For example, 'You've let IE install too many toolbars so your system is slow' would become 'You left your front door and now animals have crapped all over the inside of your house.'

'Norton is why your computer takes so long to start up' becomes 'You've paid a lot of money for something that's difficult to remove to bog you down. You've glued silver chainmail to your chest when all you needed was a light jacket.'

And finally, 'Your system is filled with so many viruses it can't even boot so we have to reformat,' becomes 'You've ruined your life so badly should probably kill yourself and hope you come back as somebody less stupid.'

(work.)

And if you don't believe in reincarnation, you shouldn't own a computer.

Please hold down the run button

One of the downsides to being a gamer and dating a non-gamer is that you will get mad at your girlfriend for stupid things.

Yesterday Amy was playing New Super Mario Bros on my DS and she wouldn't hold down the run button. Anybody who's played Mario knows that the first rule of any 2d Mario game is hold down the fucking run button, right? Well she didn't, and she was falling into pits and running out of time and not listening when I told her to hold down the fucking run button.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. This would be like if she got me to eat some crap she saw on the Food Network and I just put it in my mouth and didn't chew it. I'd say 'Don't worry, it'll go down eventually, I just don't feel like chewing,' while she's screaming at me, 'fucking chew with your mouth you idiot, this is going to take forever!'

Yeah, well maybe you should hold down the run button next time you go through the Mushroom Kingdom, you bitch.

(work.)

Who gave the dumb girl WD40?

The printers we use at work have some moving parts that get to be very warm, so imagine my surprise when a girl sprayed WD40 all over one.

We got a call yesterday reporting that one of the printers in the Language Resource Center was 'squeaky,' but when my fellow rover Chris arrived to fix the problem, a girl who works behind the desk there told him that she'd 'taken care of it.' Chris checked the supposedly fixed printer and found that the back of it had been coated in WD40.

Bitch, you just added something very flammable to something very hot. Unless everyone not being on fire was the problem, you didn't take care of shit.

She told Chris 'when I first sprayed it on there, the printer started smoking.' That's the first sign that you've done something dangerously stupid, you clowntard.

The lesson here is that when something is hot, don't add WD40 to it, unless you hate being not on fire, in which case, go crazy, you idiot.

(work.)

When Chris told her that she turned the printer into a fire hazard, she didn't apologize for inadvertently making a bomb. She seemed a little frustrated, like that's how she takes care of all of her problems. Maybe she uses WD40 to fix all of her squeaky gates, headaches, and yeast infections.

Either way, let's hope she can use WD40 to find a new job.

Tyra Banks vs. World of Warcraft

Recently Tyra Banks brought in a psychologist to tear a World of Warcraft addict a new asshole. Basically a guy didn't take care of his stupid baby because he plays WoW too much. However, the WoW addict didn't argue his point very well.

The psychologist said, 'You know, I think you started playing because you're afraid to be a father.' The WoW addict didn't say anything, but what he should have said was,
'I'm not afraid to be a father. It's just that babies are boring, and last night I went on this sweet raid with my guild and got some awesome loot, and what do I get if I hang out with my baby? Fond memories? Lame. Call me when you drop some fire armor, baby. That is, unless you're too dumb to use a telephone.'

My point here is that babies are boring. That's all.

(work.)

To watch Tyra, some "doctor," and the mom sit around and talk smack about the WoW addict, check Part 1:

Tyra's really good at knowing stuff. This is evidenced by how she says things like, "It's just a game, and the game is fake, but you're real, and you're a beautiful human, and he's wrong, and World of Warcraft isn't real." Good for her.

In Part 2, The WoW addict is brought in, he makes up some crap about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, then he and the know-it-all gang shred his World of Warcraft installation discs.

(after the cameras stop rolling)
WoW Addict: I don't have to uninstall the game or delete my account, do I?
"Doctor": Do what now? I don't know what you're talking about.
WoW Addict: Nevermind.

Learn about the computer

The other day I saw a commercial that said, 'Learn about the computer.' Yes, 'the computer.' Like it's just one entity, floating overhead, watching you. And now some no-name school can teach you all about it! Go drive the car to our school and learn about the computer today!

I could tell this commercial was made by and for the computer illiterate. Certain phrases are a dead giveaway that you suck at technology.

Right now at work some dudes are repairing our walls. They'll walk by and see me checking my email on my lunch break and say something like, 'These people are computer wizzes.' That's something a mom says about the guy who installs Microsoft Office on her computer at work. 'Wow! Surely you are a wizard, or 'wiz' for short. How do you work this 'mouse' thing you keep talking about? And do I have to feed it?'

(Fixing the all-seeing computer in the sky.)

To be fair, I'm sure these people are much better at doing certain things than me. I don't know my car from a washing machine on wheels, and I churn butter like a n00b.

Guy doesn't know computers

This weekend I was telling another guy about how being in IT makes you a hateful person because people are too goddamn stupid to learn basic computer skills. But then the other guy didn't nod so I had to backtrack a little.

'Working in IT makes you hate people. Why did I go to work today? Oh, because that bitch can't figure out how to print double-sided.'

(guy doesn't nod)

'...and that's okay because not everyone understands things like printers and clicking stuff. Not everyone knows what a Google is. Would you like to borrow my abacus, Guy Who Obviously Doesn't Understand Computers?'

Needless to say, I still hate people.

(Work!)

Apparently the guy was from 6th century China, too, because I offered him a goddamn abacus in that story.

The Teat of Ignorance

I work at a job that exists solely because people are ignorant. If people started googling their questions instead of blaming all their computer problems on ghosts then I would be out of a job.

Every morning I can wake up and ask myself, 'Hey, do people still suck at computers? Yes? Then I shall continue to suckle from the Teat of Ignorance.' And as long as the teat of ignorance secretes paychecks, count me in.

Whenever I answer questions for people, I know that little by little I'm making the IT department less important. That's why from now on I'm lying to users. 'Oh, you want to scan a document? Here, let me call my wizard friend and he'll tell me which spell to use. You go off and open Photoshop and I'll get back to you. By the way, do you have any holy water? There's a ghost in your computer that only I can get rid of.'

(bed.)

Check out this article:
"97 percent of IT professionals feel traumatized by their daily work. Indeed, 80 percent of them get tense just thinking about going to the office."

I wouldn't say my situation's that bad, but then again, I'm not an IT professional. However, I'm still working in the IT department, so I'm still dealing with people who shouldn't be using computers: women, old people, uh...um....actually, I think that covers it.

Then again, I use the internet. If you're a regular internet user there's a good chance that you look down on people dumber than you. Coincidentally, this is also what happens when you work IT.

Work IT, baby, yeah.

IT work made me hate psychology, humanity

If someone is pursuing a concentration in psychology, this is sometimes indicative of him or her wishing to understand the human mind so that it can be repaired (for a nominal fee, of course). I studied psychology, and at one point I wanted to fix mankind by diving into its brain and charging an hourly rate. I wanted to help the world with my mastery of the human mind.

Then I got a job in the IT department.

I hate mankind now. You people are stupid assholes. It's not that hard to open an email attachment, people, so stop asking me. Have you ever heard of Google? Fucking use it before asking me dumb shit. And for the love of each and every one of your different gods (I'm addressing all stupid cultures here), trying helping yourselves. And for the last time, look around before you ask me if we have a stapler. Dickheads.

(at work, hating humanity as a whole a little bit more, I'm sure.)

Don't think I hate my job, either. My job, which is both addressing hardware issues and answering software questions, is fine when it goes smoothly, and most of the time it does and all is well. However, when most of my time spent with users is spent answering questions about office supplies, sometimes I just want to rip off someone's head and pee down his or her neck.

I was gender-neutral there. I'd pee down his or her neck. I'm doing my best to avoid being ungrammatical or sexist, though I'm pretty sure there aren't feminists making signs that say things like "I demand that you pee down my neck, too."

I take that back. I'm sure there's a feminist somewhere making that very sign, but it's for entirely different reasons.

Rednecks, white girls, and identity theft

Have you seen those identity theft protection commercials? It's good to see that people are still trying to make money by scaring my mom.

Those commercials feature an everyday American giving a testimonial about some stuff they bought, only their voice is the opposite of what you'd expect. Classy old ladies? Redneck voices. Black man? Whitest white girl voice possible. The goal is for people to see these commercials and think, 'Oh my God, those rednecks and white girl stole an identity. Better buy things.'

Well, America, I have news for you:
Rednecks don't steal identities. Most don't even have computers. Don't fear them because of identity theft. Fear them because of Deliverance.

And I have helped so many white girls fix their goddamn computers that the odds of one of them hacking into your mainframe and virusing your identity (their words, not mine) are somewhere between zero and itself.

(Bed.)

You're safe, America. At least until a terrorist with bird flu gets you.

If you want to be afraid of someone on the internet, fear the geeky white guys and foreigners overseas that are actually capable of stealing your identity. Or, more importantly, fear the people tricking you into buying protection from people who know less about computers than you do.

Well-deserved images of fecal horror

Well, there's another AIM virus out there. I received an IM from a screen name I'd never talked to before, so I immediately responded with 'go to jayloden.com and fix that.' I stopped myself from adding 'you moron.' Consider it a late New Year's resolution to stop letting people know when they're stupid.

Then I checked the mystery screen name's profile and I noticed that it belonged to a girl that stood me up 2 years ago (plans that she made) then continued to never speak to me. At least until her computer resumed communication between us with a hello virus link. What a bitch.

I should have said, 'Go to (disgusting picture of woman pooping on her own face) and download the AIM fix.'

Then she'd click on that link hoping to get the scary virus off the computer she doesn't understand only to see well-deserved images of fecal horror.

(Chris's, where there is air conditioning and food.)

Identity theft, Pac Man, and you

Did you know that IDENTITY THEFT can happen to anyone, especially YOU?

IDENTITY THEFT allows HACKERS to view and even CHANGE vital information about your life, such as your CREDIT CARD NUMBER, your SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, and your BIRTHDAY.

By using HACKER COMPUTERS, the hackers can take your information from COMPUTER SERVERS and become YOU. After that, they can break up with your boyfriend on your behalf, as well as sleep with everybody to make YOU look like a SLUT.

Eventually you will have to fight the HACKERS who have STOLEN your identity to the DEATH because there can be only ONE.

Scientists can perform tests to determine if a person is YOU or your IDENTITY IMPOSTER, but all of these tests involve putting things in your butt.

(Work, Angell 7:30-11:30.)

Moms, like women, don't understand computers. That's because moms ARE women. That is just one of the many revelations I have in my brain right now.

That statement is not entirely unfounded. If you have lived in Ann Arbor in the past 4 years and at any point you have had a vagina, then there's a 26% chance I've helped you with your computer. Don't blame me for my sweeping generalizations; blame both your girl parts and numbers.

Whenever there's an article or news report on technology, the wording in it usually implies that computers are scary spook boxes. This is because the news has to speak to everybody (include both moms AND women), and often that means using phrases along the lines of, "Hackers hacked into the computer mainframe and took all the files."

Then they cut to a clip of someone playing Pac Man. "Those dots are your files. The yellow thing is hackers. Those ghosts? We don't even know, but eyewitnesses have reported that sometimes they turn blue."

Home is viruses, death, and pudding

Every time I go home for the weekend, a few things happen:
1) The neighbors are having computer problems and only I can save them. Someone was using KaZaA and they accidentally downloaded a zip file filled with tuberculosis. The problem is usually unfixable.
2) My mom tells me who died. I'll be eating cereal and watching TV and then she'll say, 'Did you know Ryan Berg? Because he was shooting up heroin in a parking lot when a drunk driver hit him, got out the car, and then shot him because he was in a rival gang.'
3) I eat like a pig. In college, you can't afford food amenities like candy bars and pudding cups, so I go home and it's like 'holy shit, this is where the good fat people go when they die.'

Be back tomorrow.

(Home.)

Norton firewalls, now with 50% more FEAR

I wonder who writes the safety alerts for Norton Internet Security: FE (Fascism Edition), the firewall/antivirus/popup blocker/ big brother on Amy's old laptop (which I am currently using due to my own computer blowing up).

Now, given that there are plenty of free safety programs for the learned, I'm going to say this now: Norton was designed for the computer illiterate. Now, given that, I'm sure whoever writes these alerts also writes for the evening news. Everything is a warning or a threat and it's all going over everybody's head so all they really remember from the experience is 'BE AFRAID.'

Saying 'Your computer has recently been ATTACKED by a BUFFER OVERFLOW to ITUNES AND QUICKTIME' is just as scary to the unlearned as 'Today we have an ORANGE ALERT because ANONYMOUS RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISTS may ATTACK US SOMEHOW.'

I don't watch the news, but Norton keeps me afraid.

(Meeting.)

elbowdeepinasianteens.com

To me, it's sad that the machine that provides me with email, IMs, pictures of naked ladies, word processing, research information, porn, online shopping, games, and elbowdeepinasianteens.com is just 'Freecell box' to many adults.

I'll tell you what, old people: you give me the computer, I give you a deck of playing cards and a punch in the stomach.

I don't think elbowdeepinasianteens.com exists.

Okay, I just checked, and no it doesn't.

YET.

(Bed.)

America rocks, PASS IT ON!

When people get old the part of their brain that finds bullshit decays. Or maybe it's overtaken by the part of the brain that wants to make you clap your hands and giggle. Either way, my grandpa forwards me shit now and it's retarded.

The sad thing here is he didn't even send me a list of jokes about Janet Jackson's boob at the Super Bowl or anything along those lines. Oh no, it's a racist, far right political rant about how dangerous Muslims are. to quote:
'If we can't stop the Muslims, how could anyone else?'

I don't know who started this chain email, but you have to wonder who thinks, 'I'll get those foreigners back by making old people even MORE racist,' and then forwarding a wacky far right wing rant to everyone on their bowling team with the message being, 'America rocks, Islam sucks, PASS IT ON!'
(paper.)