The time I wanted to throw a woman into traffic

Last night at the bar, my buddy Allen introduced me to a female friend of his, then he went to the bathroom or something. This left me alone with a stranger. Here's what happened:

Girl: 'One weekend I brought my 16 year old sister to a party on campus and some guy hit on her. I had to tell him she was 16 so he'd back off.'
Me: 'Yeah, it's awkward when someone's underage at a party. When you first get to college, you know everybody's legal so you don't have to worry about a girl's age 'cause they're all over 18. That's good to know.'
Girl (yelling loudly, in caps): 'HEY THIS GUY WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH AN 18 YEAR OLD'

Had my stomach been filled with alcohol, or "swearing fuel" as it's sometimes known, I would have yelled back something like, 'THIS GIRL HAS ABORTIONS FOR FUN' but I was sober so instead I just hated her silently.

That bitch.

(work.)

Whenever I meet somebody new I should immediately think of something terrible to yell about them just in case something like this ever happens again.

Female anatomical kryptonite location

This morning work starts at 7am. To me, this is straight up masochism. Whatever happens at 7am can probably happen at 9am, too. Starting it at 7am is just punching yourself in the balls.

If you're a girl, it's like... uh... ladies, do you have a weakness? An anatomical kryptonite location? If anything gets close to my balls, I realize the danger and immediately start defending myself with deadly spin kicks. But ladies, what do you have? I certainly can't reach your ovaries, as they are nestled safely within your lower abdomen, leaving me unable to strike a similar location to unleash similar pain.

Long story short, work starts early and I don't know where to punch women.

(work better have coffee.)

My girlfriend was sweet enough to tell me that women get hurt if you punch them in the lower abdomen. So they're not invincible after all!

Ugly women use leaf blowers

I think that, with women, there's a positive correlation between how ugly you are and how often you use a leaf blower.

Let me explain. Yesterday I was walking to work and I saw a woman operating a leaf blower. 'That's odd,' I thought, 'I've never seen a woman operating a leaf blower before.' Then I took a closer look and it all made sense. This woman had wicked Nightmare Face.

Now I feel like I should backpedal because I don't know if any of my lady friends have leaf blown before. I may have just made a few ladies sad for leaf blowing, but I don't have the time needed to just ask everyone beforehand, ya know?

That'd take too much time. If you blow leaves, chances are you're not attractive. Sorry, leaf-blowin' ladies.

(12 hours o' work.)

I think if women want to seduce men by doing labor, they should stick to washing cars and dressing up like French maids.

One time I went to a bikini car wash and hoo boy, let me tell you, those women did a terrible job. They just rubbed their soapy breasts against my windshield while I sat inside my car thinking Come ON, I'm late for dinner. Use a sponge, already! Oh Christ, keep your bathing suit on and just wash my car!

Needless to say, ever since then I've stayed home and washed my own car in a bikini. Saves money and gives me something to talk about with the neighbors.

Identity theft, Pac Man, and you

Did you know that IDENTITY THEFT can happen to anyone, especially YOU?

IDENTITY THEFT allows HACKERS to view and even CHANGE vital information about your life, such as your CREDIT CARD NUMBER, your SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, and your BIRTHDAY.

By using HACKER COMPUTERS, the hackers can take your information from COMPUTER SERVERS and become YOU. After that, they can break up with your boyfriend on your behalf, as well as sleep with everybody to make YOU look like a SLUT.

Eventually you will have to fight the HACKERS who have STOLEN your identity to the DEATH because there can be only ONE.

Scientists can perform tests to determine if a person is YOU or your IDENTITY IMPOSTER, but all of these tests involve putting things in your butt.

(Work, Angell 7:30-11:30.)

Moms, like women, don't understand computers. That's because moms ARE women. That is just one of the many revelations I have in my brain right now.

That statement is not entirely unfounded. If you have lived in Ann Arbor in the past 4 years and at any point you have had a vagina, then there's a 26% chance I've helped you with your computer. Don't blame me for my sweeping generalizations; blame both your girl parts and numbers.

Whenever there's an article or news report on technology, the wording in it usually implies that computers are scary spook boxes. This is because the news has to speak to everybody (include both moms AND women), and often that means using phrases along the lines of, "Hackers hacked into the computer mainframe and took all the files."

Then they cut to a clip of someone playing Pac Man. "Those dots are your files. The yellow thing is hackers. Those ghosts? We don't even know, but eyewitnesses have reported that sometimes they turn blue."

Adding cleavage to your sweatshirt

Today I saw a girl wearing what appeared to be one of the dumbest outfits I'd seen since St. Patrick's Day.

This girl, presumably in a sorority (their minds and menstrual cycles tend to synch up), was wearing a navy sweatshirt and sweatpants. And that's fine. The 'I just rolled off a random mattress and went to class' look is fine if you're a dumb whore.

However, she'd cut the top of the sweatshirt so that the neck was huge. The now-gigantic neck then fell to the side, exposing her left shoulder and making her look like an absolute clowntard.
'Hey, what's this sweatsuit missing? Ah yes, an exposed shoulder and/or cleavage. Better get out the scissors, because I'm a moron.'

(Bed.)

In case the earlier comment about St. Patrick's Day is confusing to non-college-students, allow me to explain how that holiday works on campus:
College students, usually of the white and rich variety, wake up at the crack of dawn to drink alcohol. The women in this group tend to wear the goofiest crap just so they can say they're wearing green. Guys tend to not deviate from the standard green polo or t-shirt, khakis, green beads, and obnoxious green hat. Women are allowed to get creative, and this is when things go awry.

This year I saw a girl wander into a pizza place sporting a sideways ponytail, a baggy white t-shirt with a green and orange design, green sweatpants, and slippers. She looked like an asshole, but then again she was drunk, so she was stumbling around like an asshole, too.

Hell, the girl from St. Patrick's Day could have been the girl I saw today, but I've come to a point where I can't tell sorority girls apart. There could be just one sorority girl making an ass out of herself who can just run really fast to create the illusion that sorority girls everywhere do dumb shit, when in fact it's just the one speedy one.

Better average than fat, I guess

Sure, you may graduate and feel like you're destined for mediocrity, but at least you're not that popular girl from high school who went off to college and got fat.

Normal people: 0
People who hit their prime in high school: -1

(New nofx album, bed.)

Maybe I'm just a dickhead, but upon hearing that the girl I had a crush on in first grade became really fat, I smiled a smile of justice. It's entirely possible that God, in His ultimate sense of what is right and wrong, saw that this girl didn't want to get freaky with me when I was six (read: "kiss me behind the monkey bars"), so He decided to make her less desireable so that later in life nobody would want to kiss her behind the monkey bars.

Or maybe God had no part in this and this girl just likes eating. But I'm putting all my money on the God part, just 'cause it makes me feel special. And isn't that what God is for in the first place: making insignificant people feel special?

Note how all it takes is one fat chick for me to make sweeping, controversial statements about religion. Oops.

Love note homework

Hey guys, you ever receive a love note from your girlfriend? You're flattered at first, then something happens.

You think, 'Ah, fuck. I just got a love note.'

Love notes are fucking hard to write. You know you have to return the favor, but it's going to be really hard.

Girls are much better at using words to write about their feelings. Some guys don't even have feelings, and now we have to write about them? Shit.

And love notes from your girlfriend are usually incredibly sweet, and before you even finish reading them you're brainstorming ideas about how you'll write your return love note. Only she's already said every sweet thing possible.

I've debating writing back with,
'Dear Amy,
Right back atcha!.
-Henry'

(Library.)

That love letter is currently sitting on my desk. Every time I look at it, I feel like it's taunting me. "Come on, asshole. Top this, I dare you." And I end up thinking, "You know what? Fuck you, love letter."

Of all the things someone could say to a love letter, I end up with "Fuck you." All because I suck at expressing myself. Can I write about farting, Batman, homeless people, the human taint, and igniting my genitals with hot sauce? Sure. But can I write a letter to a pretty girl? Not at all.

Stop fucking up the curve, bitch

This morning I was in the computer lab and I saw this very tall, very pretty woman picking up her printouts. Let me say, some dark thoughts entered my mind at that point...

You ever see a woman who's so pretty you just want to punch her in the face? Then, when she's looking at you, confused and holding her pretty bitch nose that you just broke, you want to yell, 'STOP FUCKING UP THE CURVE, BITCH!'

Seriously, there's 'hey, I'm pretty' then there's 'I'm so pretty that everyone else is ugly by comparison.'

If I'm standing next to a woman who makes me feel ugly before I can even understand why, I'm going to punch her in the teeth.

Humanity. Try it some time, you robot skank.

(Nap.)

Gamer girls are sexy if they're not that good

Guys who play video games really, really want to meet a girl who shares the same hobby. Also, (and here's the tricky part) she has to be hot. However, the fact that a girl plays video games automatically makes her hotter, so ladies, if you can beat Mario 3, it's like you've added 1 point to your 10-point hotness scale or gone up a cup size or some other nonsense way to quantify beauty.

However, when a dude meets a girl who plays video games, there's an initial feeling of elation, because he thinks, 'Hey, we can fuck during a game of Halo 2! Sweet!' (or hang out, whatever). Then there's a pause. Then he thinks 'Bitch best not be bettter than me.' Chances are, she isn't, but if she was, that'd be like her ripping off your genitals and then beating you over the head with them. And she'd get 50 points every time she did so until she beat your high score.
(Class.)

LAN parties and sexism

LAN parties are great because there won't be any girls there. I mean, I like girls. Heck, I'm even dating one. But when one is around, you can't fart freely, or use swears, or talk about how women are stupid.

I mean, it's all compensatory. Women make us feel dumb all the time 'cause they're all 'wash your hands, comb your hair,' and we just look lazy when you tell us to do the things we should be doing anyway. So we play computer for hours and occasionally say 'bitches make me food' or something, but it's only because we're sexist. And hungry.

So, bitches, I'm at a LAN party, so do my laundry and get pregnant.

I only say that because you make me nervous and my pants are dirty.

(Computers.)