A letter from the man sleeping on the floor

Dear Other People in the Computer Lab,

I'm feeling a bit tired, so I think I'm going to sleep on the floor. Someone told me the carpet here smells like blueberries, so I'm going to lie with my mouth as close to the floor as possible. I'll also be sure to point my feet inward, but rest assured, that's just because I'm weird.

Sincerely,
This guy



(work.)

So it turns out that this guy just felt a little sick and decided to lie down. Why he chose such an awkward position is still a mystery, but after my boss politely told him not to sleep in the site, he complied and everything was fine.

My main concern was that this guy was dead and that I'd just inadvertently photographed a corpse. I'd never been so relieved to find out someone was just sleeping face down on dirty carpet.

You don't want to be an astronaut

Every time a child tells me he wants to be an astronaut when he grows up, I call him an idiot who should shut his stupid liar mouth.

You don't want to be an astronaut. An astronaut trains for months and then when he gets to space he doesn't even meet any aliens. He just sits in a space ship in the cold, dark void of space while people on earth go skateboarding and eat pizza. You want to be an astronaut, kid? You're retarded.

An astronaut has to eat food out a tube and go to the bathroom inside of his space suit. If you want to eat everything as a paste and then crap inside your own space pants, be my guest, but you don't want to be an astronaut. Your dreams are stupid and so is your stupid child face.

And that's why Daddy hits you.

(work.)

Here's a response I received from a stranger on AIM:
"so wtf dont discouarge them let them be an astronaut how do u kno they wont be one ur a idiot for tellin them that"

I guess I can't argue with that, but only because it's hard to read.

Clandestine mannequin coitus

When I was in 6th grade, a classmate used the word 'dildo.' When I asked him what it meant and he told me that a dildo was a mannequin's penis. Hmmm.

I thought about how I'd never been in a department store, seen a mannequin with a huge bulge in the pants he was modeling and thought, 'Wow, that mannequin sure has a huge penis.' If women were buying mannequin penises, did women secretly want to have sex with mannequins? Were women all over the world engaging in clandestine mannequin coitus? My world was crashing down.

Then I came to the conclusion that when the mannequin factory workers (mannequin-gineers?) make the mannequin, it has all its body parts, then before it leaves the mannequin factory the factory workers take its penis and put it in a bin with all the other mannequin penises so that ladies can buy them at the store later.

This is how dildos are made, or so I thought in 6th grade.

(work.)