My roommate is short and I am mean

Yesterday my kinda short roommate Katz was showing me the robe he'll wear when he graduates with his master's degree.

Katz: 'Look what I got.' (holds up a bag from the book store) 'When are YOU graduating?'
Me: 'I graduated last year.'
Katz: 'Yeah, but did your robe look like THIS?' (holds up robe with a special red trim for graduate students)
Me: 'No, my robe was in an adult size.'
Katz: (the sound of scowling)

Now that I've typed this, I'm probably going to come home to a turd on my bed or, knowing the extent of Katz's (tiny, Napoleonic) rage, I'll return to an entire sentence spelled out with turds, elaborately planned from weeks prior and painstakingly molded with love and rubber gloves.

(work.)

Even if he were to spell something simple like "I hate you" he'd have to stockpile his poop for at least a couple of weeks. That's dedication.

The time I wanted to throw a woman into traffic

Last night at the bar, my buddy Allen introduced me to a female friend of his, then he went to the bathroom or something. This left me alone with a stranger. Here's what happened:

Girl: 'One weekend I brought my 16 year old sister to a party on campus and some guy hit on her. I had to tell him she was 16 so he'd back off.'
Me: 'Yeah, it's awkward when someone's underage at a party. When you first get to college, you know everybody's legal so you don't have to worry about a girl's age 'cause they're all over 18. That's good to know.'
Girl (yelling loudly, in caps): 'HEY THIS GUY WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH AN 18 YEAR OLD'

Had my stomach been filled with alcohol, or "swearing fuel" as it's sometimes known, I would have yelled back something like, 'THIS GIRL HAS ABORTIONS FOR FUN' but I was sober so instead I just hated her silently.

That bitch.

(work.)

Whenever I meet somebody new I should immediately think of something terrible to yell about them just in case something like this ever happens again.

I'd like my gambling wacky, if possible

I saw a casino billboard on the freeway using the words, 'Wild WACKY Winnings!' And get this: the word 'wacky' was in a crazy font, which is pretty fucking wacky if you ask me.

Then I got to thinking that Wild Wacky Winnings was probably just the name of a slot machine, and there's nothing particularly wild or wacky about pulling a lever until you don't have any money.

Maybe it'd be wacky if all of your winnings came in the form of top hats filled with shaving cream. Or if every time you won, a man dressed as a giant baby painted a tiger on your chest. Fine, that's wacky.

But a colored font? Not quite, slot machine. Not quite. Hire a chest painter, then we'll see.

(work.)

After remembering that old women love slot machines and that that'd be the demographic most likely to play the Wild Wacky Winnings slot machine, I realized that maybe painting tigers on the chest of an old woman isn't so much wacky as it is gross.

Side effects including killing yourself, mild headache

When I was in high school I was prescribed a drug called Accutane. What Accutane did was make it so you didn't get pimples after you took it for several weeks. However, one possible side effect worried me a little: You'll fucking kill yourself.

Apparently some teenagers who took Accutane had offed themselves so 'suicide' was listed as a possible side effect right up there with 'dry mouth' and 'slight headaches.'

The doctor warned me.
'When you're on Accutane, you may kill yourself.'
'Wow, that's awful.'
'Yeah, some kid on Accutane killed himself a couple months ago, so we have to warn you that Accutane may make you kill yourself.'
'How will I kill myself?'
'Oh, that's entirely up to you.'
'At least I'll have options, then.'
'Yes. Yes you will.'

So that was fun.

(work.)

Googling "accutane" yields sponsored results, many of which go straight to lawyers' websites. Some of these websites list all the diseases and disorders I could (should?) have contracted while using Accutane:

• Rectal Bleeding
• Birth Defects (when I'm 16? Wow, don't mess with Accutane. Especially if you're pregnant.)
• Central Nervous System Injuries
• Lupus
• Pancreatitis

How am I not dead? The list goes on and on, leading me to believe that the second I started taking that pill I should have keeled over, burst into flames, and been shot by a sniper hired by Accutane itself.

Grandma, the Nigerians want you to learn computers

I think you could get old people to use computers better by turning their weaknesses into strengths.

Right now, telling old people to install Firefox to reduce the amount of spyware on their computers doesn't make sense to them. They won't do that because right now they can just click the blue 'e' and they're on the internet! Just like that! They can play internet mah jongg forever now, thanks to the letter 'e'!

Now if you told them that if they didn't install Firefox then a ghost would visit them at night and tell them the name of their crush, they might install it. If a nice Nigerian man would share his fortune with them if only they'd run regular spyware checks and update their antivirus software, they'd do it.

Maybe we could get them to get 22 of their old friends to do it, too, because if they don't, they'll have bad luck for 22 years and nobody will ever love them so PASS IT ON!!!!!!!!!

(work.)

For those of you not familiar with Nigerian scams, those are the ones where bad men and women in Nigeria send emails to strangers and say things like, "I'm a Nigerian prince. If you give me some money, I'll be able to give you a LOT of money, so please give me all your banking information." The sad thing is, some people suck at the internet so badly that they fall for these scams.

Fortunately, the heroes at 419eater.com have mastered the art of scambaiting. This is when they'll email the scammers back and pretend they're interested in their offers, but only if they can prove that they'll really send them money. They'll respond to an email with, "I'm a member of the Church of Fish and Bread. Could you please prove you're a member of the church by sending me a picture of you putting fish on your head and eating bread?" This leads to the potential Nigerian scammers attempting to prove themselves to the 419eater people by doing ridiculous things.

For example:






The best part about these pictures the people in them are criminals, so you don't have to feel bad. Hooray! See 419eater's trophy room for more awkward pictures of bad people.

A MegaWord of Caution about the MegaBus

This last weekend Amy took the MegaBus into town and back. The MegaBus is just like a regular bus only... Mega!

For example, on the way into Ann Arbor the MegaBusDriver didn't MegaStop to MegaRest at the halfway point like a regular bus driver would. Instead, he MegaStartedToNodOff and MegaSwerved on the freeway a little.

A girl MegaScreamed.

Then the MegaBusDriver MegaDidn'tKnowWhereToPark because he'd never MegaDriven to Ann Arbor before, so he MegaMissed the goddamn dropoff point.

All in all, the MegaBus sounds great, assuming you don't mind a MegaBusDriver who obviously wasn't MegaScreened before being MegaHired and may MegaFuckingKillYou by MegaCrashing on the freeway.

(work.)

No talking before the movie, lest I cut you

Those 'no talking during the movie' shorts that come up before you see a movie are less effective when presented by silly men dressed as soda and popcorn. How are little kids going to get the message that they need to shut the fuck up if they're so happy to see the dancing food man do a silly dance?

What they need is some scary guy in a trenchcoat to jump onto the screen and start threatening the audience.

'Shut the fuck up during the movie. Ain't nobody gonna hear you when I come to murder you anyway. If you don't turn off that cell phone, Ima steal it and sell it for meth.

Ima get up in yo' nightmares and cut you.

And in the event of me cutting you, please note the nearest exit.'

There's just something about threatening lives that just makes kids... listen, ya know?

(work.)

This away message was inspired by the laughter of children following a serious message. I don't want kids laughing when they should be listening. I want them listening intently because some scary man in at the movies said he was going to get up in their nightmares. Crying afterward is optional as long as it's quiet.

Da Vinci's spam emails

Most people don't know this, but many of Leonardo Da Vinci's secret codes were transmitted through spam emails.

He'd email millions of people with seemingly nonsensical phrases like 'battleship emblem strangle appendix,' but what people never discovered until recently was that he was sharing the secret blueprints to a flying machine centuries ahead of its time.

He also knew the best way to get off-brand meds delivered right to your door. He was probably going to use his flying machine to deliver CIAL15 T4B5. That Da Vinci, so good at science.

(work.)

Protesters, none of which play the trumpet

Yesterday outside the Fleming Administration Building, a group of students boldly protested the University's use of sweatshop-made clothing by skipping class to hang out and wear sandwich boards. One brave soul played bongos.

The protesters were there to help shut down sweatshops, and this is understandable: 73% of all sweatshops that closed are shut down by people hundreds of miles away chanting and not having a job.

The remaining 27% of sweatshops are closed by wishing really hard and clapping your hands (which is also how you bring a fairy back to life!).

(work.)

Looking back, I guess those protesters were the bravest unemployed people I've seen in a long time. They stood up for what they believed in: standing up for unalienable human rights, not taking crap from authority, and also not going to work.

What exactly is the bongo guy contributing? And why is he at every protest in town? I think he just wants the attention, but come on, he only knows like two bongo notes. You can only do so much with two notes before people think you're too lazy to play a more complicated instrument. I think he should protest by playing the trumpet. We'll see if that two-note shit flies when he's playing the trumpet. I don't think so, bongo guy.

Bad news you can understand

Knowing about computers in a world where most people do not means you've got to give a lot of bad news to people who don't understand what they've done.

I think that we, as tech people, should explain to them what they've done in their terms.

For example, 'You've let IE install too many toolbars so your system is slow' would become 'You left your front door and now animals have crapped all over the inside of your house.'

'Norton is why your computer takes so long to start up' becomes 'You've paid a lot of money for something that's difficult to remove to bog you down. You've glued silver chainmail to your chest when all you needed was a light jacket.'

And finally, 'Your system is filled with so many viruses it can't even boot so we have to reformat,' becomes 'You've ruined your life so badly should probably kill yourself and hope you come back as somebody less stupid.'

(work.)

And if you don't believe in reincarnation, you shouldn't own a computer.