Clandestine mannequin coitus

When I was in 6th grade, a classmate used the word 'dildo.' When I asked him what it meant and he told me that a dildo was a mannequin's penis. Hmmm.

I thought about how I'd never been in a department store, seen a mannequin with a huge bulge in the pants he was modeling and thought, 'Wow, that mannequin sure has a huge penis.' If women were buying mannequin penises, did women secretly want to have sex with mannequins? Were women all over the world engaging in clandestine mannequin coitus? My world was crashing down.

Then I came to the conclusion that when the mannequin factory workers (mannequin-gineers?) make the mannequin, it has all its body parts, then before it leaves the mannequin factory the factory workers take its penis and put it in a bin with all the other mannequin penises so that ladies can buy them at the store later.

This is how dildos are made, or so I thought in 6th grade.

(work.)

Ointment is not sexy

Did you know that if you use the word 'ointment' on a first date that your odds of getting a second date can be reduced by up to 70%?

'Ointment' is one of the unsexiest words in the English language. Repeated use of the word 'ointment' can lead to social isolation, erectile dysfunction, and uncomfortable looks from people within earshot.

'Ointment' also makes a great safe word. Keep that in mind when negotiating a safe word with your leather-clad loved one.

(Work.)

A lady friend IMed me and said this:
"is that true? or only in the date situation? because I have used that word before and I still have a lot of sex."

I'm pretty sure you can use the word in casual, nonsexual conversation. For example, you could say "ointment" around your boss and not worry about whether or not your significant other is going to have sex with you later. However, you shouldn't say the word "ointment" around your boss if you plan on having sex with him or her.

I think if I were engaging in kinky S&M action, words like "ointment" and "eczema" are a great way to take you out of that butt-spanking mentality and back into a world where your skin isn't perfect, and neither is your life.

You're not perfect, and you will know that by the sound of "ointment."

Gestures and a Third Reich reference

So I've covered that whenever I say that my major is psychology, I do a wanking motion. But this isn't the only gesture I make with certain terms. Others include:

'talk to you later' - My fingers start typing, because that's how I talk to people. Hooray, internet!
'testes' - I hold my right hand out as if I'm giving an invisible scrotum a physical.
'make love' - My right hand makes an inappropriately violent insertion motion
'Greek life' - two words: Zeig. Heil.

I hope everybody knows what the 'Zeig heil!' motion looks like. This is a situation where knowledge about the Third Reich becomes your ticket to Giggletown.

Also, Giggletown sounds like a resort for gay clowns.

(Nap, work.)

Psychology and the wanking motion

Lately, whenever someone asks me what my major is, I say, 'psychology' and then make a wanking motion.

Not only is a BA in psych practically worthless, but it subjects you to awful, awful jokes made by adults. Among the most common:

'Psychology, huh? Take notes on MY family!!!'
'So, you getting a couch for people to lay on?'
'Are you going to analyze everything I do now? LOL.'
'Psychology? So, do you know what I'm thinking?'

Psychology is not writing books on wacky families or buying couches or having psychic mind-reading powers. Psychology is learning a little bit about addiction, memory, and mental disorders, then graduating and getting a job that has nothing to do with your degree.

Unless, of course, you go to graduate school, but that's much less common.

And nothing throws feelings of impending doom out the window like a satisfying Wendy's sandwich.
(Mmmm. Wendy's.)

I think most of all, majoring in psychology is about studying something because you it interests you, then realizing halfway through your mystic learning journey that studying what you like isn't good if it can't get you a job. Sell your dreams while you can, kids. They're all you'll have left after you sell your other stuff.

Dictionary words and oral sex from Hitler

Here's a conversation with a fan from yesterday:

siickbiiitch: haha emo fuckkers are usally sxe haha with pants so tiight their balls cant breath oo man their funny to watch
J aCkAs Skid: they have too many feelings
siickbiiitch: wtf? how the hell can u have to many feelings
siickbiiitch: they just use like dictonary words to describe thier feelings
J aCkAs Skid: um, most words are in the dictionary

...

siickbiiitch: like the word apathetic....who the hell uses that in everday speech
J aCkAs Skid: well, today I got drunk and used the word "allegory"
J aCkAs Skid: so I guess it depends on your level of education
siickbiiitch: lmao...allegory? i dont even know what that means
J aCkAs Skid: yeah, that one's hard

I haven't updated my website in over 18 months and I still get IMs like this. If I didn't love anonymous praise, I'd hate these people.

(Work, 3-11.)

That guy complimented my balls off before complaining about stuff unintelligibly. Just clarifying that he was a fan before he was an angry typo-monger.

So here's the deal with the love/hate comment.

People will IM me and give me praise for my eternally unupdated website, then they'll present some of the worst grammar, spelling, and conversation I've ever seen. Suddenly, I'm torn. I think these people are retarded, yet they love me. They're like confused puppies that love the big, upright-walking human with the fancy computer words. And that human (He's me!) is allergic to dogs. At least the dumb ones.

It'd be like Hitler going down on you. Man, that feels good, but at the same time, I HATE YOU, HITLER.

By the way, from now on, whenever someone uses a big word I'm going to yell at them for using a "dictionary word." I suggest you do the same.