Hope you like dirty magazines, apartment tourists

Hey Katz,

Our landlord is showing the apartment tomorrow, so I'll tidy up the living room and kitchen in the morning.

You may have noticed that I've put piles of Asian porn on your bedroom floor. Don't move it. It took me a long time to arrange the piles of Asian porn to spell out 'Please live here next year, apartment tourists.'

Yeah, I have a lot of Asian porn.

I'll tell you what: after the apartment showing tomorrow, you can peel off whatever magazines you can keep whatever you can separate from the rest of the pile.

Yeah, the porn is used.

Anyway, just giving you a heads up. If there's any porn you want spread all over the living room, feel free to go for it. Have a nice night.

-Henry

(bed.)

We didn't really lay porn out, but the last tour that went through probably saw the giant wiener I drew on the shower door with my finger that morning.

eBay feedback for everybody

I think we need to be able to leave eBay-style feedback on more things. Sometimes I feel the need to inform people of how other people are at certain things.

• DID NOT USE TURN SIGNAL, WOULD NOT DRIVE BEHIND AGAIN
• Uses dishwasher! great roommate!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Asked me how I was doing but did not really care. Not a good Kroger checkout girl!
• quick handjob a+++++++++ crack whore!

I was inspired with this idea when some asshole on the freeway cut over without using his turn signal and I thought to myself, 'I should give him some bad feedback, then everybody will know he sucks at driving.'

This characterizes two of the top uses for the internet: talking trash about people and complaining about your life

I hope you learned a lot about the internet today and continue to use it in your daily life.

(work.)

The #1 use for the internet is still the viewing and distribution of pornography. Just saying that now so nobody thinks I forgot it. I'm still keeping it real (by watching pornography).

Also, I think 'A+++++++ Crack Whore' sounds like the name of an avant garde techno/hardcore band.

Deleted Scene Thursday: Interracial Porn

It's Deleted Scene Thursday! Today I'll post an away message I have yet to put in the blog because I feel guilty about how inappropriate and/or nasty it is. Here's today's:

'There's no way I could consider myself a racist. Not with all the interracial porn on my computer.

That right there is racial harmony at its finest. It's genital diplomacy uniting different cultures to speak the universal language of 'Oh oh oh!'

By collecting interracial pornography, I'm merely preserving these groundbreaking contributions to equality, love, and touching yourself.'

I never posted this one to the blog because I wasn't sure if people would get that I wasn't 100% serious. In fact, I may have been using irony.

Also, my girlfriend pointed out that talking about how much porn I have may not look good. Ah well.

(work.)

I kind of like the idea of Deleted Scene Thursday. The obvious downside of this is that now I have to write stuff, but not like it until Thursday, when I make fun of it. Damn.

Endangered Animal Sex Train

Amy was an extra in a feature film, she just doesn't know what it's about. The director had her look at a watch and sigh while waiting for a train. This is all we know about the plot. Aside from that, the movie could be about anything:

Setting: Train station
GUY 1: The train is late.
(Amy looks at her watch and sighs.)
GUY 2: I know. I need this train.
GUY 1: Me too. I haven't had sex with an endangered animal in a long time.
(Amy looks at her watch and sighs.)
GUY 2: I sure could go for some hot bald eagle action in my pants.
GUY 1: How much longer must we wait for the train that allows us to have sex with endangered animals?
(Amy looks at her watch and sighs.)
(A train pulls up with ENDANGERED ANIMAL SEX TRAIN written on its side. Mooing, quacking, and that sound a dolphin makes can be heard.)
GUY 1: Let's gangbang a manatee.
GUY 2: Shotgun blowhole!

(Work, 8-6.)

Before you start fact checking my jokes, know this: I deliberately chose quacking and mooing as the animal noises for the train. This isn't common knowledge, but endangered animals are very quiet. You ever hear a panda say, "Don't shoot me please. I have much to offer the world"? Of course not. They're all dead from being quiet little bamboo-lovin' bitches.

Also manatees don't really have blowholes. Someone fact checked that joke, but while they were technically correct, they were also technically a wang.

80,000 kiloboobs

So my slave drive is officially dead. This means I am out 200 gigs of movies, music, and pornography. That's about 10 hours of cinema, 50 hours of music, and about 80,000 kiloboobs.

If I told my mom that my slave drive died, she'd get all concerned and think her son runs a slave trade. But if I ran a slave trade, do you think I'd be so broke all the time? Of course not. Slaves = big business.

Men may read this and think, 'hey, I could use someone to do my pyramid-building homework.'

Women, however, know better than to buy someone they can confine for all eternity. Oh no, they can just get married.

Well, I've referenced ancient Egypt and insulted the institution of marriage. I can go eat now.

(Dinner.)

If Maxtor, the brand of my dead hard drive, had a mouth, I'd tell it to eat cockroaches, because it is a jerk.

The clean secret behind nakedlawyers.com

Tonight I jokingly told Amy to send nude pictures of herself to the Bar Association, because nobody wants an ugly lawyer (look at the ones on TV. Hello, Boner City!). She just kind of sighed, as she often does when I say things. I then offered that maybe nakedlawyers.com would prove me right. And she, being at the computer, actually went to nakedlawyers.com.

Now, the internet hosts many fetishes, and I figured there's got to be people who want to bang lawyers, right? Well, it turns out nakedlawyers.com does NOT show you steamy prosecuties, but rather it forwards you to a website for children's music. I have never been so disgusted to not see gavels in vaginas in all my life.

Someone hits up the internet hoping to see Judge Judy's naughty bits and then suddenly BAM! A song called 'Mammals Eat Coconuts.' Flaccidtown, USA.

(bed.)

You get forwarded to bobroden.com, a website about some Raffi-type jerk who is in no way affiliated with nude attorneys.

Girls Gone Wild DVDs

My 12 year old brother stole my Girls Gone Wild DVDs. This worries me. Not that he'd steal porn, but that he'd steal that porn.

I mean, porn objectifies women. Fine, that's what it does, you watch people bone, you make a mess, endorphins rush, you go to bed. I can accept that.

However, GGW makes women not just objects, but sad objects. They're easily tricked, like the GGW camera crew could find dumb spring break girls and do that trick where you pretend to pull quarters out of someone's ear. The girls clap and giggle and then take off all their clothes and get a t-shirt for it. Then they put on that t-shirt and get sprayed with a hose.

Every hour my brother watches GGW he needs to watch an hour of the opposite. Like, hot lawyer porn. A woman wins an important court case, buys her own dinner because she's independent, then bangs a soccer team.

(Bed.)

True Story: Girls Gone Wild will make you overdose on boobs in about five minutes. I used to consider myself a boob aficionado, then on that sixth minute of Girls Gone Wild where yet another generic harlot shows you her cans, I was craving a book.

Or at least some penetration shots.

Valentine's Day, Solitaire Style

Dear World,

It's just Valentine's Day. If you have time to mope around via away messages, then you have no excuse being sad. By being near an online computer, you are showing the agency needed to get porn. You get porn, I say you crack open a bottle of champagne (or cheap beer. your call.) and crank one out, Solitaire Style.

Nobody has ever said, 'Man, that orgasm was great, I think I'm going to go cry now.' At the very least, you'll just take a nap or something.

In conclusion, shut up and masturbate, whiners.

(Bed.)

Being single on Valentine's Day should really be about empowerment, not moping. I bumped into a platonic lady friend today and gave her an impromptu speech about loving yourself on Valentine's Day. I then told her to go home, pick out a toy, and celebrate this holiday by herself. I'm pretty sure she bought into it, too, 'cause she looked like she felt a lot better after I told her to go home and masturbate. Also, this was in a large, crowded computer lab, so I'm sure I empowered a lot of strangers, too.

Stupid is Sexy

The other day I stumbled across (read: 'downloaded') a porno called 'College Dropouts.'

What I don't get is why they're college dropouts instead of college graduates. Are women sexier if they get worse grades? How is failure supposed to get you a hard-on?

'Oh baby, I want you to put on this plaid skirt so you look like you were once a student, now I want you to mispronounce big words while Big Chuck here does you wheelbarrow style.'

'Alright, now Chuck's going to give you Arabian Sunglasses, but in the meantime I'm going to read a passage from The Communist Manifesto. Just look up at the camera and give me a confused grimace every time I say 'proletariat.'

Somewhere, someone is watching this porno saying, 'Oh man, that dumb girl frowns when you read her Marx. I am so soiling something soon.'
(class.)

So that's that. The first official away message has been posted. Sure, I'll go back and post away messages from days past, but this is the first time I got into the routine of recording these little abominations to the English language (as well as leaving the computer).

By the way, you can click here to learn about Arabian Sunglasses, as well as other goofy ways to degrade women (and yourself!) mid-coitus.

elbowdeepinasianteens.com

To me, it's sad that the machine that provides me with email, IMs, pictures of naked ladies, word processing, research information, porn, online shopping, games, and elbowdeepinasianteens.com is just 'Freecell box' to many adults.

I'll tell you what, old people: you give me the computer, I give you a deck of playing cards and a punch in the stomach.

I don't think elbowdeepinasianteens.com exists.

Okay, I just checked, and no it doesn't.

YET.

(Bed.)

If you show a hobo porn...

The other day I was showing a homeless guy a sexy picture of the topless redhead on the motorcycle. He had asked me if I could get pictures of women 'on that thing' (referring either to my computer or the internet), so naturally I said, 'Of course you can get pictures of women here,' then I waved my arms all around me, because that's where the internet is.

I guess I thought that if I showed him enough sexy women he'd say, 'Thank you, good sir, I appreciate your assistance' and then he'd kindly leave the computer lab and take a bath. Instead, he just sat there even longer and waited for me to bring up more pictures.

I guess what I learned is this: You show a hobo porn, he can beat off for a day, but teach a hobo to find his own porn, he can beat off forever. In public.

(work party.)

Hobo in the fishbowl

This morning at work a homeless guy came into the computer site. The man smelled like he'd slept in his clothes, wet himself, then rubbed vomit in his hair so he looked hot enough to pick up ladiez. He asked me if I could get any pictures of ladies on the computer and told me he liked redheads, so I brought up this picture.

After a while I got sick of him being smelly, so I asked him to leave. Before he left, he asked me if that was my cup in the garbage can. I said, 'Yep, there it is. In the garbage.' Then he picked it up and I said, 'There it is. In your hand.' and my new magical friend left, never to be seen again.*

(nap.)

*he was later apprehended by campus police.

I'll admit it: I showed a homeless guy what is essentially pornography in a university computing site.

My favorite part of a porno

My favorite part of a porno is when they build up all the tension and then everybody falls down really fast and they put their hands up and scream! Then they take your picture.

Did I say "porno"? I meant "roller coaster."

(Bed.)