No Myspace abductions 'til you finish your calculus

Myspace.com recently unveiled ads that warn users about sexual predators. Reportedly 22% of Myspace users are under 18, and Myspace supposedly provides 'special protections' for those 14 and 15.

You know how we could fix all this nonsense? Minors can't sign up for a Myspace unless they solve some really hard math problems. That way, if they get on, hooray! They're smart. The children are safe.

No one's going to help these kids cheat, either. No parent's going to do math problems to let their kid join a dumb website. Dad would get 5 seconds into the first math equation when he'd realize, 'Wait, am I doing calculus so you can get tricked into letting some online predator put his fingers in your butt? Fuck this, you're on your own.'

(Paper.)

So even if some brilliant 13 year old gets on Myspace and then gets abducted, it'd seem like it was his fault. His parents would be on the news, shaking their heads and saying, 'Jim seemed so smart, too. He knew parabolas, cosines, and he could count to any number you could throw at him. Then he went and thought some stranger was just going to give him a puppy if he got in the van. We were wrong. Our son is a fucking moron.'

'Come on, honey. Let's go make a new son, and this time he'll be smart.'

Then they'd bone, right on the news and everything.

I'm just trying to make the internet safer and the television more fun. If that involves making two mourning parents bone on the evening news, so be it.