Insult anything but my Nintendo DS

Sometimes I'll be signed on and people will swear at me for no reason at all. Just the other day some guy IMed me while I was at work.
'hey josh,' he said. A day later he said again, 'hey josh.' Then apparently he got sick of me being gone and he typed to me:
'the nintendo ds sucks'
'hey douchebag'
'THE NINTENDO DS SUCKS'
and that's the last thing he said to me

All it took was a couple days of not being online for him to aim for the heart and insult the Nintendo DS. I guess 'fuck you' just wouldn't have worked for him so naturally he picked a piece of technology and told me it sucks.

I can just imagine this guy walking down the street, approaching some guy, and yelling, 'Hey Mark, YOUR IPOD SUCKS,' and then storming away without caring if that guy was actually Mark.

Sometimes friends ask me why I hate most of the people on the internet. Now you know.

(work.)

He insulted my DS because I had a poll up in my profile asking people what they thought of the DS because I was thinking about getting one.  Being the genius that he is, he went after the Nintendo DS because that's my Achilles heel.

eBay feedback for everybody

I think we need to be able to leave eBay-style feedback on more things. Sometimes I feel the need to inform people of how other people are at certain things.

• DID NOT USE TURN SIGNAL, WOULD NOT DRIVE BEHIND AGAIN
• Uses dishwasher! great roommate!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Asked me how I was doing but did not really care. Not a good Kroger checkout girl!
• quick handjob a+++++++++ crack whore!

I was inspired with this idea when some asshole on the freeway cut over without using his turn signal and I thought to myself, 'I should give him some bad feedback, then everybody will know he sucks at driving.'

This characterizes two of the top uses for the internet: talking trash about people and complaining about your life

I hope you learned a lot about the internet today and continue to use it in your daily life.

(work.)

The #1 use for the internet is still the viewing and distribution of pornography. Just saying that now so nobody thinks I forgot it. I'm still keeping it real (by watching pornography).

Also, I think 'A+++++++ Crack Whore' sounds like the name of an avant garde techno/hardcore band.

Unsecured diapers

My neighbors left their wireless network unsecured. Their network, 'Wireless,' still had its shameful default name.

That is, until I logged into their router and made some changes.


Eventually they're going to connect to their network. One roommate will call to the other and say, 'Did you change our wireless network's name?' The other will say, 'No, I don't think so.'

Then, there will be a pause.

'Are we...diapers?'

'Yes, I believe we're diapers.'
'Damn.'
Then they log into their router and add a password, living happily ever after.

Unfortunately, that day has yet to come, and so they're still diapers.



(bed.)

Note that the network in my apartment is CORRUPT_DONOTCONNECT. You want to convince people that they don't want to use your wireless network, and the best way to do that is through scary names and caps lock.

If you had to choose between "CORRUPT_DONOTCONNECT" and "diapers," which one would you choose: the network that threatens to hack your files or the network that promises to hold all your poop? I'm not a gambling man, but if I were, I'd bet on Huggies over the SCARY CAPS LOCK NETWORK.

Volcano diarrhea and the first chat room

Today, while riding a train back from Chicago, I ate a microwave cheeseburger from the cafe car.

The microwave cheeseburger is one of those inventions that probably seemed really clever at first.

'I've found a way to make a cheeseburger hot and ready to eat in less than two minutes! I'll sell this idea and get rich!'

Then he'd actually eat the microwave cheeseburger and, an hour later, he'd poop lava while muttering, 'What have I done? I just wanted to help mankind, not give it volcano diarrhea.'

Bastard cost 5 dollars, too.

(bed.)

The same process of well intentions and deep regret happened with many other inventions. Albert Einstein talked about splitting atoms or whatever, then they made a bomb and he was sad. Scott Chatroom, inventor of the chat room, at first thought, "People can finally meet on the internet and discuss things intellectually!" then soon people were swapping pornography and calling each other fags.

The very first chat room conversation went like this:
MeInventedChatRooms has joined the first chat room
Intern8235 has joined the first chat room
MeInventedChatRooms: Hello? Is this working? Wow, after years of work, here we are!
Intern8235: hay scott, ya wuts ^?
MeInventedChatRooms: Wow, this is incredible!
Intern8235: wutevr. u want porn? s2r
MeInventedChatRooms: I'm afraid I don't understand, intern.
sK8RbOiDooD182 has joined the first chat room
sK8RbOiDooD182: Wut up? U got porn? press 555
Intern8235: 555
MeInventedChatRooms: How did you get in here, sk8rboi? Hello? What's happening?
SLAYERdeathSTAB has joined the first chat room
SLAYERdeathSTAB: u guys r fags
Intern8235: fuk u homo
MeInventedChatRooms: Anybody want to talk about photosynthesis?
sK8RbOiDooD182: I did ur mom fag
SLAYERdeathSTAB has left the first chat room
sK8RbOiDooD182 has left the first chat room
Intern8235 has left the first chat room
MeInventedChatRooms: Um, can I uninvent this?
MeInventedChatRooms has left the first chat room

Scott Chatroom went with the screen name "MeInventedChatRooms" because "IInventedChatRooms" repeats the I's too soon and it looks confusing. "MeInvented" is obviously the next logical option.

Personality over looks, my ass

This morning the news reported that when polled, men claim to want a great personality instead of a nice body when looking for the ideal woman.

That survey didn't prove a goddamn thing. If anything, it just proves that when polled in a survey situation, men will report to want personality over looks. You want honest results? Have them fill out those survey scantrons with their penises.

The news just wanted to make people happy with this survey because nobody thinks they have a bad personality. They say 'guys want personality' and EVERY woman will think, 'whew, I'm desirable, even if I'm fat,' and then they'll feel better about themselves.

...at least until they're thrown into a panic by the next headline, which is about the seven household items that may be giving you hepatitis while you sleep.

(Work.)

No man's ever had an intellectual discussion with a girl and then gotten really horny because she made a funny joke about Socrates. However, if she's already hot: bonus. If she's ulgy: then let's just talk online or something, funny ugly girl. I will accept your jokes as long as they do not involve eye contact.

Now I feel like any platonic lady friends that read this are going to suddenly get offended because I just said, "Ugly chicks, see you on the internet." A quick clarification before I end this post: I talk to most people I know on the internet, or so my overflowing buddy list would imply. If I talk to you online but we don't hang out, it's not because you're ugly. It's because the internet is a medium of communication that lets me talk to many, many people from anywhere in the world without me having to put pants on.

Also, you're ugly.

Fall Out Boy sucks, pirate tetris rules

I recently started playing an online game called Puzzle Pirates. Basically, you 'do' pirate stuff in the form of puzzle games that resemble Tetris or Snood. It's not as retarded as it sounds.

Oh, I'm sorry, is 'retarded' offensive?

It's not as horse-fucking as it sounds.

Anyway, the game appeals to broad range of ages, and sometimes this means I'll play with kids. And these kids will have handles like 'falloutboyy.' And I fucking hate Fall Out Boy. It's very bad music for very stupid people.

So I'll challenge these kids to swordfighting matches in the game and I'll usually win, because they're kids and they like bad music.

That's what the internet lets us do. We can passive-aggressively hate bands by beating their fans in games of pirate tetris.

Yet another aspect of the internet I'll never be able to explain to Mom.

(Smash Bros.)

I highly recommend you check out Puzzle Pirates. It's free, it's fun, and best of all, it doesn't cost any money. Because it's free. So play it.

Games copied in Puzzle Pirates include: Snood (Puzzle Bobble), Tetris Attack, Alchemy, and Chu Chu Rocket. There are other games, but I don't know how to explain them, so I won't.

In conclusion, play that game or I'll cut you.

No Myspace abductions 'til you finish your calculus

Myspace.com recently unveiled ads that warn users about sexual predators. Reportedly 22% of Myspace users are under 18, and Myspace supposedly provides 'special protections' for those 14 and 15.

You know how we could fix all this nonsense? Minors can't sign up for a Myspace unless they solve some really hard math problems. That way, if they get on, hooray! They're smart. The children are safe.

No one's going to help these kids cheat, either. No parent's going to do math problems to let their kid join a dumb website. Dad would get 5 seconds into the first math equation when he'd realize, 'Wait, am I doing calculus so you can get tricked into letting some online predator put his fingers in your butt? Fuck this, you're on your own.'

(Paper.)

So even if some brilliant 13 year old gets on Myspace and then gets abducted, it'd seem like it was his fault. His parents would be on the news, shaking their heads and saying, 'Jim seemed so smart, too. He knew parabolas, cosines, and he could count to any number you could throw at him. Then he went and thought some stranger was just going to give him a puppy if he got in the van. We were wrong. Our son is a fucking moron.'

'Come on, honey. Let's go make a new son, and this time he'll be smart.'

Then they'd bone, right on the news and everything.

I'm just trying to make the internet safer and the television more fun. If that involves making two mourning parents bone on the evening news, so be it.

Internet friendship, anyone?

We can check on each other without actually making any actual contact. Where do we draw the line between an open sense of internet community and just being really fucking creepy?

Also, who out there has internet-only friends? As in, people with whom you chat, but you have never met in person. A lot of people had them in middle school, then most people ditched theirs, but I just realized I have a decent amount of them. The concept first seems to be pointless, then after some thought, it still seems pointless, then you actually talk to someone interesting and it makes sense. So who out there has no problem talking to strangers? Who has the internet balls to do that? And if you're a girl, why do you have balls? Italicized ones, no less.

Riddle me that, internet.

(Bed.)

To date, over 400 strangers have IMed me. About seven of them have been interesting.

Facebook friend details

Facebook's new 'How do I know this person?' feature is undoubtedly going to make a lot of people very sad.

People will realize that a vast majority of their internet friends are total strangers, and then naturally the next step is to process this fact in your head so that it comes out as OH MY FUCK, ALL MY FRIENDS ARE FAKE.

And that's when the suicides begin. People discover that an entire internet identity is a sham, that all the people they considered online friends have no actual link to them, and that there is no reason to stick around.

Then they'll remember that the internet is full of weak connections and that what's happening here is the nature of the internet. Nobody really knows anybody, but man, can we swap porn.

The end.

(Bed.)

Question for the internet strangers

Allow me to extend a question out to you internet folk:
If I gave out my phone number and asked that people call it at a certain time, who would do it?

I mean, some of you have no problem reading this stuff (for example: RIGHT NOW), then some of you IM me, but what if I needed you wake me up via phone call: who would work up the balls to dial my cell phone number?

I usually don't cross lines with internet-only folk. The first time I ever met someone from over the internet, strange things happened. Long story short, I live with him now.

Seriously.

So fill me in, stalkers, 'cause I'm curious.

I'm also tired.

(Bed.)

This away message yielded only one response from an internet stranger, and it was in the form of a bad joke that provided no actual input. So stalkers, fill me in: you creepy enough to call me?

Existing in real life is hard

People in real life think I'm dead because I don't hang out with them anymore, but it's really because I've been knee deep in shit. I'm not dead, though. Not yet. Really.

The High Schoolers of the Internet, however, think I'm still alive, which means I still get IMed by complete strangers. Every couple days I'll receive unsolicited messages from people liking my website, which I haven't touched in years.

In real life, you have to talk to people to exist. On the internet, you throw up an away message, you keep your website online (but out of date) and you maintain an active existence. Funny how that works.

(Story, work, story, food, story, mischief, mayhem, soap.)

Unlimited Shut Up Buttholes

With regular conversation, when someone bothers you, all you can do is stop talking to them. On the internet, you can do all sorts of awful things. You can swear at them, you can USE CAPS LOCK, you can send them horrifying pictures of deformed genitals that you keep in a folder labeled, 'NO!', you can block them.

Score four points for the internet and a big fat fumble for real life. Every time I send a bothersome person a picture of a gaping butt, I feel better about myself. So thanks again, internet. You've provided unlimited Shut Up Buttholes and subsequent unlimited laughs.

Plus ip-relay.com made a lady ask me to fart down her throat.

(Bed.)

She wanted me to fart down her throat

Last night, my phone rang, and seconds later, a total stranger was telling me that she loved woman breasts dipped in barbeque sauce. She continued to say that wanted to be inside a bear vagina, and that she had rollerskates made out of babies. This woman had no choice but to say these things, and I'll be damned if it wasn't hilarious.

This is all because of ip-relay.com. It's a website intended for use by the deaf. The deaf person calls someone via the web, they type things, and an operator reads it to the person being called. This is a free service, yet the operator has to read what is on the screen.

I've had operators call me and say nothing but racial slurs and swears. Last night, courtesy of Brian, an operator told me that she wanted me to fart down her throat.

I love the internet.
(Papers forever.)