Early morning amputation story
Sometimes I wake up and the skin around my right eye is puffy. I don't know if it's an allergy or a hex or what, but the swelling goes down by lunchtime, so I don't sweat it.
Last week, Roy the Custodian saw my eye and asked me if I'd seen a doctor.
'It might be a spider bite.'
'Nah, I'm ok. It'll be better in no time.'
'The other day a freshman was in here and he had a mark on his leg. I says to him, 'You should see a doctor.' He asks why and I says I knew a guy who had a spider bite and he didn't see a doctor.'
'No, seriously, I'll be ok.'
'He got gangrene. They amputated his leg.'
'...'
'See you later.'
Maybe he just thought I looked tired and I'd wake up if he scared me. 'Hey, your eye's swollen. I know a guy with one leg.'
Thanks, buddy.
(bed.)
I have a feeling that Roy's one of those parents that loves scaring their kids into behaving.
"Eat these oranges! I met a guy who never ate oranges and he got scurvy. He bled out of his gums, then they got infected and the doctors had to remove his head to stop the infection. Then he died. He didn't have a head. Eat the oranges!"
"Turn off that Xbox and go outside! I knew a guy who didn't exercise and his windpipe collapsed under the weight of his chins. He didn't have an Xbox or anything, but you get the idea."
I looked up the symptoms of scurvy to make fun of the friendly custodian at work. That's a combination of dedication and being a dick.
Last week, Roy the Custodian saw my eye and asked me if I'd seen a doctor.
'It might be a spider bite.'
'Nah, I'm ok. It'll be better in no time.'
'The other day a freshman was in here and he had a mark on his leg. I says to him, 'You should see a doctor.' He asks why and I says I knew a guy who had a spider bite and he didn't see a doctor.'
'No, seriously, I'll be ok.'
'He got gangrene. They amputated his leg.'
'...'
'See you later.'
Maybe he just thought I looked tired and I'd wake up if he scared me. 'Hey, your eye's swollen. I know a guy with one leg.'
Thanks, buddy.
(bed.)
I have a feeling that Roy's one of those parents that loves scaring their kids into behaving.
"Eat these oranges! I met a guy who never ate oranges and he got scurvy. He bled out of his gums, then they got infected and the doctors had to remove his head to stop the infection. Then he died. He didn't have a head. Eat the oranges!"
"Turn off that Xbox and go outside! I knew a guy who didn't exercise and his windpipe collapsed under the weight of his chins. He didn't have an Xbox or anything, but you get the idea."
I looked up the symptoms of scurvy to make fun of the friendly custodian at work. That's a combination of dedication and being a dick.
Labels: awkward, body mutilation, work
posted by Henry at 12:57 AM
4 Comments:
Roy is excellent at making mundane situations awkward.
He likes to ask Jeff if I'm pregnant or not and when Jeff says "no," he tells him to keep trying. I don't really like older janitors talking about my sex life. It's creepy.
Yeah, Roy really likes to talk about our sex life. It's... creepy. When he's done, he'll point out fifteen people in the site who he thinks are gay.
Haha, yeah, sometimes he'll lean in and whisper, "Earlier today I saw some homos on computers in the back" like there's a conspiracy that involves gay men writing essays.
One of my favorite Roy quotes is, "The other night I saw some homos in the bathroom and I says to 'em, 'If your father knew what you were doing he would smack you upside your head.'"
The homophobia isn't what got me. Oh no, the gem is this next line: "What surprised me is that they weren't ugly, either. They could've had any girl they wanted."
He practically said, "Shit, I woulda fucked 'em."
"...and that's why you always leave a note."
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