Renaming your maids for the trophies

This fictional conversation was in my head earlier. Just thought I'd share.

'You ever get the idea that you're supposed to be doing something else with your life?'
'Amy, you're talking to someone who likes writing but went into psychology. I hate psychology.'
'No, you hate people. There's a difference. Anyway, what I'm getting at is that when I was little, my music teacher wanted to send me to music school because she said I had a lovely voice, but my mom wouldn't let her. To this day I feel like I'm never going to do that. I could have been a great singer.'
'And now you're doomed to be a successful lawyer. It could be worse, trust me. Besides, you'll be using that voice in the court room to help put bad men in prison.'
'I'll never see any singing awards with my name on them. Not if I'm just a lawyer...'
'And that's fine. You'll have enough money to train one of your maids to sing. Then, when she's really good, you can legally change her name to yours. You'll have enough lawyering money to do that. You can rename people when you're rich. Then you'll finally get those singing trophies with your name on them.'

(bed.)

And if that doesn't work, you can always just buy the damn trophies. Nobody's going to see if you actually won them anyway.

You just psych BAnged yourself in the ass

I think when you declare your major, they should show you a video clip of someone who made the same decisions as you and then graduated.

For example, when you declare political science, you see a clip of someone never shutting up about the LSAT, then taking the LSAT, then getting into law school and ultimately getting rich.

For the business school, you watch someone make excel spreadsheets all day, then roll around in a kiddie pool filled with a sort of crude-oil-and-small-diamonds soup, because hey! You got a job and now you're ridiculously wealthy!

Or when you declare psychology, you see one of two things, depending on your gender:
Women see a sorority girl marry an upper middle class guy who hits her. Guys see a video of a dude eating soup in a homeless shelter, because congratulations, you have one of the most common/worthless degrees in the world!

Hooray for my major! And hooray for Arby's hiring me in the future!

(Bed.)

With a psych BA, you can't even teach psychology, because there are already a kajillion people doing that. Enjoy psychoanalyzing yourself while you work drive-thru. I know you may not think you're that flexible, but somehow you just banged yourself in the ass.

If anyone knows how to turn a lame comedy blog into swimming pools shaped like dollar signs, please tell me.

To succeed in life, fill some bags with newspaper

This weekend Amy and I went out for ice cream. While waiting, this guy started talking to me about his revolutionary ideas about business. He told me that he'd started 14 companies and that hard work doesn't pay off after all. And wow, was he right! He had like 10 shopping bags with him, so obviously he was rich.

Then he bade me farewell and told me to go to his website, thewowfactor.com, where I could buy his book. He picked up his bags and left.

On our way out, Amy and I saw that he had left his bags near the door, and they were all filled with newspaper. And when we got home we discovered that his website did not exist.

And that settles it: all you need is a bunch of shopping bags and a sales pitch and people will assume you're successful. At least until they see that you're full of shit and your fancy Lord & Taylor bags are full of garbage.

(PowerPoint.)

I felt like such a chump when I saw the bags and bags of old newspaper in the exit of the ice cream shop. He said he had a list of 25 false assumptions people had about life, the first of which being 'hard work pays off.' Apparently the second item on that list was 'carry trash with you.'

Up until his website 404'd, I thought he had a business empire. Turns out, he probably doesn't even have a place to live! LOL!