Water Plus One

Right now making dinner involves adding water to something, then eating it. But as soon as a meal involves more than two ingredients, no sir, I cannot make it.

(water+1.)

I'll be living with my girlfriend next year. Let's hope she likes soup, rice, and Kool-Aid, 'cause that's all I've got.

Okay, I've been lying. I'm able also to add butter and milk to things, too. On adventurous nights, I use my Foreman Grill, but beyond that, I'm restricted to microwaveables and fresh fruit.

Beep beep dinner is ready beep

The apartment I lived in last year had a smoke alarm right next to the kitchen. Whenever anybody made a hot meal (e.g. grilled chicken, pot roast, microwave popcorn) our smoke alarm would go BEEP BEEP DINNER IS READY BEEP. It was more of a food alarm.

But this year, oh yeah, life is great! I can burn chicken all I want, because the smoke alarm is far away from the kitchen! In fact, we don't even have smoke alarms! How sweet is that?

But no, seriously, I'm checking our ceilings and I don't think we have smoke alarms. At all. Not even a coal mine canary in the foyer.

I'd be ok with the canary system. If the bird stops singing, it means maybe someone forgot to take a pizza out of the oven. I can understand dead birds, but not overzealous smoke alarms.

(Bed.)

I may not have mentioned this before, but an obscene portion of my readers are obnoxious middle schoolers. We're talking screen names like xxSk8orDiixx, FallOutBoi7238 and AIM profiles that link to the most obnoxious, Good-Charlotte-mp3-autoplays-upon-loading Myspace pages you've ever closed.

So, naturally, I want them to stop enjoying my "comedy" and go finish puberty. In front of a moving bus.

But if they won't do that, the least they can do is stop reading my stuff, and I figure the best way to do that is to allude to obscure facts about canaries. Soon they'll think, "Hmm, where's the butt humor? Use a swear, internet man," and then never IM me in broken English again.

However, I just referenced pubes, and pubes are HILARIOUS, so I think I just accidentally won them back. Pubic hair cancels out coal mine canaries.