Henry, Lord of the Thermostat

Whenever I consult, I'm going to keep a log of the types of questions I get. On Monday, almost half of them were office-supplies-related.

Another popular question was: 'Can you change the temperature in here? It's really cold!' And you know what I want to say to that?

'Yes, lady, I can change the temperature because I am HENRY, LORD OF THE THERMOSTAT, but I love it when it's so cold that my balls retreat to the middle of my abdomen, so it looks like you're just going to have to check Facebook while icicles form on your mustache.'

People also ask for pens a lot. That makes me wonder if they came to the computer lab completely unprepared. 'I need a pen because I have nothing. Will you wipe my ass?' Drawing a swastika on the plush dinosaur pen looks better and better every day.

(Roving, 8am to 6pm.)

Swastika dinosaur pen crime deterrent

Today in the computer lab I found a green pen with a plush dinosaur at the end of it.

This is great, I thought. When people ask for pens, they get the green dinosaur pen. They won't leave with it, because it's big and goofy. That way, we keep our pens and needy users will look like the assholes they are.

So when my coworker Jenny came in for her shift, I showed her the pen. 'Oh, cute!' she said.
'Yeah, who would want to leave with this? This could be our new loaner pen,' I said.
'I'd leave with it. I think it's great.'
Well, this presented a problem, so we thought of ways to prevent dinosaur pen theft. Then it came to me:
'Let's draw a swastika on it.'
'What?!'
'Yeah, if the dinosaur has a swastika on it, users won't steal it because people will think they're in the nazi party.'
Jenny didn't like the idea, but that's ok. I'm going to get rich selling Dino-swastika pens.
(Sangria, tacos, etc.)

I'm glad I found a way to turn swastikas into a good thing. Sure, there was the Holocaust, and dude, that totally sucked, but now when you see a swastika, you can think to yourself, "I better not steal!"

Also, if a card-carrying nazi borrows a dinosaur pen, we are fucked. The swastika dinosaur pen is just screaming, "If you hate minorities but LOVE dinosaurs, steal me!" I know for a fact that I'm going to have to buy a dinosaur pen and draw another swastika on it if we lend one to an anti-Semitic paleontologist .