I'd like my gambling wacky, if possible

I saw a casino billboard on the freeway using the words, 'Wild WACKY Winnings!' And get this: the word 'wacky' was in a crazy font, which is pretty fucking wacky if you ask me.

Then I got to thinking that Wild Wacky Winnings was probably just the name of a slot machine, and there's nothing particularly wild or wacky about pulling a lever until you don't have any money.

Maybe it'd be wacky if all of your winnings came in the form of top hats filled with shaving cream. Or if every time you won, a man dressed as a giant baby painted a tiger on your chest. Fine, that's wacky.

But a colored font? Not quite, slot machine. Not quite. Hire a chest painter, then we'll see.

(work.)

After remembering that old women love slot machines and that that'd be the demographic most likely to play the Wild Wacky Winnings slot machine, I realized that maybe painting tigers on the chest of an old woman isn't so much wacky as it is gross.

They all suck at math

On New Year's Eve I went to the MGM Grand Casino in Detroit with Amy's family for an hour and a half of gambling.

When I first walked into the casino, I realized that everybody in it had something in common. From the young people losing at craps to the really, really old people losing at slots, they all had one thing in common: they all suck at math.

It didn't matter if these people were from Detroit or they drove in from the suburbs. Yes, they all shared that special bond of absolutely blowing at statistics and probability. Sure, they're all there to lose different amounts of money (no matter whether it's supposed to be for tuition or if their grandkids should inherit it), but at the end of the day, it's because they're all horrible with numbers.

Seriously, people. The casino doesn't stay in business because everybody's winning.

(work.)