Crazy people keep animals in their backpacks

Sometimes this really smelly guy will hang out in the computing site outside our office. His body odor is so bad that anybody walking by will think someone left a big bucket of crotch sweat in the site, but no, it's just him doing whatever it is smelly people do on the internet.

He looks a little...off, too. He's got frizzy brown hair, long unkempt sideburns and beard, and sometimes he's wearing suspenders over his flannel shirt. This makes everybody less likely to say something to him. What if I tap him on the shoulder to get his attention and he just pulls a raccoon out of his backpack and starts screaming?

So I've thought it over and I'm thinking the solution that's best for everybody is having a friendly custodian spray Febreze in the smelly guy's eyes and then kick him in the stomach. The smell will be reduced and that smelly asshole will get kicked in the stomach. Everybody wins!

(work.)

I don't know why someone would collect a bucket of crotch sweat, but whoever wants that bucket probably has his interns do it. That just seems like an intern-y thing to do.

Sure, you can show people my underwear

I don't clean my room when my landlord shows my apartment, so for the last few days, every time my he's called me, this is how our conversation has gone in my head:

'Hey Henry, do you mind if tomorrow I show a bunch of strangers that pile of underwear in your bedroom?'
'Sure, that's fine. I won't be home, so it'll be in the middle of the room, as usual.'
'Cool. I'll be bringing some people by tomorrow, then. I'll make sure the people touring check out the big wiener you've drawn on the shower door, too.'
'Sounds good. My dirty laundry and shower penis will see you then.'

(work.)

Every morning when I wake up, drag myself out of bed, and take a shower, sometimes I'll draw things on the shower door with my finger. Sometimes it's a swear word, other times it's Pac Man, but most of the time it's some sort of dong. It wasn't until my roommate said something that I realized that my shower drawings were staying there after I'd left.

One day I came home and Katz asked me, "Did you write 'skeet skeet' in the shower?"

Yes. Yes I did, Katz. That's just how I roll.