Alumni donations, homeless man tits

I just got a call from the Michigan Alumni Association. I, being naive, thought what began as casual conversation with the female representative would end in survey.

Turns out, the bitch just wanted my money.

But that didn't stop her from making small talk first.
'What are you doing now?'
'Working for Campus Computing Sites.'
'Where is that?'
'Basement of the Union.'
'OH! I went there because my graphics card was having problems. They couldn't fix it.'

We don't fix computers. This lady had us mistaken for the Computer Showcase, which is similar, but not the same. I can imagine this lady calling other people at 9pm and saying stuff like:
'Oh, you work at Wendy's! I LOVE the Big Mac. Can I have all your money now?'

That bitch.

(around.)

What bothers me about that whole exchange was that she was chatting me up the way a stripper chats up a potential client (or so I've heard).

"Hey! How are you? What do you do? That's cool, that's cool... So you want me to put my breasts in your face? Because that's why I'm talking to you. I rub my breasts on people to pay my landlord and buy food."

Only instead of something fun like a proposed boobs-to-face interaction, all I got was "you got any change?" only over the phone and on a much larger scale.

Let me tell you, you put a pleasant-sounding woman on the phone and I'm a lot more likely to give several dollars to her than I am to give a couple quarters to a hungry man who sleeps in the streets. It's illogical and wrong, but that just drives home the point that homeless men would make a lot more money if they had nice tits.

What dudes like

People want to be writers when they grow up because it sounds fun and easy. You just write. Write the words you use every day, only this time, adoring fans pay you to use them. And in our ideal worlds, we use words best, and everybody loves them, and they pay good money for them, and all you had to do was think the words and put them on paper and count your novel money.

Tonight I told some lady friends 'dudes like penetration.' Which got a laugh, but it's a FACT, people. I was there to educate and they just laughed at me. I gave them the secret to global domination and they took it as entertainment. Penetration will get you Planet Earth. Or at least an hourly fee. Plus tip.

Can you believe that you have to tip hookers? I mean, COME ON, I already gave you a ride. YOU should be paying ME.

(Bed.)