Loathsome umbrella hog.

Guys, it might be rainy out, but keep this in mind: you are not allowed to share an umbrella with your guy friends. I don't care how long you've been best friends: if your buddy keeps you dry, you're his new girlfriend.

I've run up to girls I hardly know and decided to talk to them because they have umbrellas. 'Hey, Charlene! I haven't seen you since, uh, orientation! Want to go to class with me, then wait outside until I have to go someplace else?'
Then she might give me a weird look and walk away, and then I'll wonder why I'm still even Facebook friends with her.

I just made up a girl named Charlene and within two paragraphs she turned into a loathsome umbrella hog.

In conclusion, don't share dude umbrellas and exploit your lady friends, unless they're Charlene, in which case they're stuck up bitches.

(Class.)

I had a crush on a girl named Charlene my freshman year of high school, but she was one of those people that had like two friends and then disappeared sophomore year, probably because one of her friends got her pregnant. Sure, she may have just moved away, but I like to pretend something awful happened to her because she never went out with me. Like, instead of going out with me, she got pregnant in the men's bathroom and dropped out of school.