Facebook bananas, two-dimensional biases, and bastard children

Facebook lets you post notes and share internet links. But you know what I can't post? Physical objects.

I'd like to post a banana to Facebook. Where it would normally say 'click here for the full story' when I post an item, this time it would say, 'We're sorry, you can't click it. It's a banana. Bananas aren't clickable. You just eat them, or put them in bread, or paint them if you're an artsy little shit like that.

'...why a website like Facebook has so much information on bananas, we'll never know.

'We'll let you get back to stalking that girl from your 8th grade math class. Carry on.'

Love,
Facebook Team'

(work: rain edition.)

I won't even attempt to explain this. I think I was really tired when I wrote this and I got mad that Facebook shares (websites or videos shared online) are so gosh darn... two-dimensional. This led to me suggesting that Facebook should let you post three-dimensional things like bananas and then things pretty much went downhill from there.

Still, I ended on a non-abstract note with that bit about you stalking that girl from your 8th grade math class. And here's a fun fact: If you look for a girl from high school and she's not on Facebook, then she probably never finished college. She probably dropped out or never went at all and got knocked up instead. In fact, she's probably giving birth out of wedlock right now.

Better average than fat, I guess

Sure, you may graduate and feel like you're destined for mediocrity, but at least you're not that popular girl from high school who went off to college and got fat.

Normal people: 0
People who hit their prime in high school: -1

(New nofx album, bed.)

Maybe I'm just a dickhead, but upon hearing that the girl I had a crush on in first grade became really fat, I smiled a smile of justice. It's entirely possible that God, in His ultimate sense of what is right and wrong, saw that this girl didn't want to get freaky with me when I was six (read: "kiss me behind the monkey bars"), so He decided to make her less desireable so that later in life nobody would want to kiss her behind the monkey bars.

Or maybe God had no part in this and this girl just likes eating. But I'm putting all my money on the God part, just 'cause it makes me feel special. And isn't that what God is for in the first place: making insignificant people feel special?

Note how all it takes is one fat chick for me to make sweeping, controversial statements about religion. Oops.

2nd grade Dave snorting coke

I'm at that stage in my life where I'm hearing about which of my former classmates have grown up to become drug addicts, strippers, and/or corpses. As tragic as it is, it can bring to mind some disturbing yet funny mental images.

Like I'll be talking to someone from high school and they'll say, 'Hey, did you know Dave Bond?' and I'll say 'Yeah, he was in my 2nd grade class.' Then they'll tell me that Dave overdosed on cocaine and now he's dead. That's not the funny part.

What is funny is that I'll picture the Dave I just mentioned, 2nd grade Dave, snorting coke and that's what'll shock me. 'Oh no, how could that happen? He barely knew his multiplication tables. Who the hell gave him cocaine?!'

A friend could say, 'Hey, did you know Mary Graham?' and you'd think, 'Wow, she was in my catechism class when I was 10.' Then your friend says, 'She's an exotic dancer now. She gets naked for money.'

Then you picture your catechism version of Mary dancing for dirty old men and you think, 'That's awful. She was so young. Though I guess she was dressed for it, what with that Catholic schoolgirl outfit and all.'

(Bed.)

Loathsome umbrella hog.

Guys, it might be rainy out, but keep this in mind: you are not allowed to share an umbrella with your guy friends. I don't care how long you've been best friends: if your buddy keeps you dry, you're his new girlfriend.

I've run up to girls I hardly know and decided to talk to them because they have umbrellas. 'Hey, Charlene! I haven't seen you since, uh, orientation! Want to go to class with me, then wait outside until I have to go someplace else?'
Then she might give me a weird look and walk away, and then I'll wonder why I'm still even Facebook friends with her.

I just made up a girl named Charlene and within two paragraphs she turned into a loathsome umbrella hog.

In conclusion, don't share dude umbrellas and exploit your lady friends, unless they're Charlene, in which case they're stuck up bitches.

(Class.)

I had a crush on a girl named Charlene my freshman year of high school, but she was one of those people that had like two friends and then disappeared sophomore year, probably because one of her friends got her pregnant. Sure, she may have just moved away, but I like to pretend something awful happened to her because she never went out with me. Like, instead of going out with me, she got pregnant in the men's bathroom and dropped out of school.