The Rapist Saturation of MySpace

Are other people receiving friend requests from total strangers on Facebook or am I the only one?

I thought Facebook was above this. If you wanted to be internet friends with weirdos and rapists, you go to MySpace. That's just what it's for. Sometimes rapists on MySpace accidentally try to meet up and rape each other. It's crazy, the rapist saturation of MySpace.

But Facebook - Facebook was how you connected with friends from class or old school buddies, not a means to be cyber-pals with some random fucking high school kid who shoots friend requests all willy nilly like a goddamn... high school... kid.

Jesus.

(sleep.)

On Facebook, I'm Henry Birdseye, 23-year-old graduate student. On MySpace, I'm Slippery H, 69-year-old (lolz) African American pro skateboarder.

Facebook bananas, two-dimensional biases, and bastard children

Facebook lets you post notes and share internet links. But you know what I can't post? Physical objects.

I'd like to post a banana to Facebook. Where it would normally say 'click here for the full story' when I post an item, this time it would say, 'We're sorry, you can't click it. It's a banana. Bananas aren't clickable. You just eat them, or put them in bread, or paint them if you're an artsy little shit like that.

'...why a website like Facebook has so much information on bananas, we'll never know.

'We'll let you get back to stalking that girl from your 8th grade math class. Carry on.'

Love,
Facebook Team'

(work: rain edition.)

I won't even attempt to explain this. I think I was really tired when I wrote this and I got mad that Facebook shares (websites or videos shared online) are so gosh darn... two-dimensional. This led to me suggesting that Facebook should let you post three-dimensional things like bananas and then things pretty much went downhill from there.

Still, I ended on a non-abstract note with that bit about you stalking that girl from your 8th grade math class. And here's a fun fact: If you look for a girl from high school and she's not on Facebook, then she probably never finished college. She probably dropped out or never went at all and got knocked up instead. In fact, she's probably giving birth out of wedlock right now.

What "It's Complicated" really means

I think having the option of putting 'It's Complicated' as your relationship status on Facebook is a clever idea. As a general status, it can effectively broadcast to the internet that you may not be ready to meet new people.

However, unless you're using it ironically, I don't understand why you'd put 'It's Complicated with (actual person with which it is complicated).' Isn't that saying, 'HEY INTERNET, MY RELATIONSHIP IS HAVING PROBLEMS'? Why share that?

While we're on the subject of Facebook letting people share too much, you should also have to put down why you broke up with somebody. 'Mary broke up with Pete because he ass banged her best friend.' or 'Derek broke up with Sarah because she farted in bed.' People need questions answered, and they should be answered honestly and awkwardly.

And I think Facebook should talk about ass banging more.

(nap.)

If you want the internet to know that your personal life is having problems but you don't want to show it through Facebook, you can always go with something just as good:

Sad lyrics in your away message!

Here are some tips:

1. Try to find a song that talks about the way things used to be.
2. Find lyrics that rhyme "heart" with "torn apart" if at all possible, and
3. for the love of Christ, italicize your font and put it on a colored background.
4. Lastly, delude yourself into thinking that nobody will notice how openly sad you are. Think other people will think "That person is just listening to music" and ignore the fact that all evidence should make them think "That person is having an emotional breakdown in addition to really bad taste in music."

If you follow those simple steps, soon all your friends will know how sad you are and maybe they'll all tell you how great you are. Or stop calling. Not my problem, really.

Good luck!

Lovers (of horses) Who are Proud To be Loud

Tuesday was a slow work day, so I edited another Facebook group like the bored bastard I was.

This time, however, I decided to only change the picture and add just one sentence. See if you can find it!


Imagine hearing someone having loud sex with a horse in an elevator. It's hard, isn't it?

The imagining, I mean. Pervert.

(work.)

That'll teach those people to join a Facebook group and then not monitor it constantly.

Apparently changing Facebook groups was a lot easier at one point. A while ago I found a group whose description said things like, "We're against people who are against the 80's. We love the 80's. We think Alf is great" or whatever, but the name of the group was "Cum Gobblers Union."

Nowadays you've got to ruin a group by writing an offensive description around the unchangeable group name. It's tough, but I get by.

Exciting Facebook pictures and your boring life

With social networking sites like Facebook, your friends can share pictures of themselves doing exciting things to make you hate your own life.

Your friends can log on and upload photos of themselves touring London or camping in South America so that people across the globe can see how shitty their lives are in comparison.

To compete with these pictures, I'm going to photograph what I've been doing. I'll post page after page of me surfing the web at work, getting free black and white printing, and doing other awesome work stuff.

Screw your epic backpacking photos, Facebook friends. Do you get free coffee singles in the break room?

(dinner with Dad.)

The other day I saw that my buddy Drew had gone to Honduras. He'd grown a wicked beard and appeared to be having the time of his life. Meanwhile, I looked at YouTube for a few hours, checked my email several dozen times, and told a guy where the stapler is.

On the other hand, Drew is probably pooping in a hole while I can use a toilet whenever I want. Nobody said life-changing experiences would have indoor plumbing.

The WMD of Facebook terrorism

I am the administrator of a Facebook group containing over 3,000 people in it. I believe it is the most popular Facebook group at the University of Michigan.

At any time I can turn it into a Facebook group about having a really bad poop fetish.

You think about that, and you think about what Jesus would do.

But Jesus wasn't on Facebook, so he's not an acceptable role model here. Be ready, potential poop lovers.

(work, 8-6.)

"I Thought That Guy Who Plays the Harmonica By the Ugli Was Homeless Until I Found Out He's a Prof." has 3348 members other than myself. Every one of these people could end up looking like any of the following:

• foot fetishist
• communist
• person who is sexually aroused by various animals
• fan of the TV show Perfect Strangers
• knight of the Ku Klux Klan
• eater of toenails
• someone who enjoys dressing up like Batman, but only the top half, so they're still wearing the cape, mask, and utility belt but everyone can still see their genitals
• horny housewife

The cyber-fates of all 3348 people in this group are in my hands. Oh, and the creator of the group rejoined, so he's an admin now, too. He'd probably reset the group if I changed it to something he didn't like, so I need to find out if he likes Perfect Strangers or dressing up like No-Pants Batman.

An inappropriate interracial dating club

Facebook recently told me that a friend of mine got a girlfriend. I was very glad to hear that he'd finally found a woman worthy of his wit, charm, and genitals.

And when I noticed that she was African American, I felt the need to share in his joy by messaging him with, 'Congrats, buddy! My first girlfriend was half black! We should start a club!'

But no, I won't say that, because I can't think of a good name for the 'We have formerly or are currently dating women that are of at least 50% African American heritage' club.

Plus, that's kinda racist.

(Food in the basement!)

One more ruined Facebook group

I ruined another Facebook group.

I think this speaks for itself:

(click the image for the full size version)

K, that's all, I'm late for work. I hope you're all happy that I'm almost late for work every morning because of these goddamn things.

(work.)

I put a lot of work into that graphic. First I had to do a Google image search for "owl sex", then I had to search for "kid jail", then finally "bee." Five minutes in Photoshop and voila! Owls having sex over a kid in jail over a bee. And I did this at work, so I technically got paid to make everyone in that group look like an owl-banging, kidnapping, bee eater.

I should be kicked out of Facebook

The creator of a Facebook group becomes its administrator. When the creator leaves, any member can become the new admin and edit information about the group. It is possible for anybody to join these admin-less groups and edit all pictures and group descriptions. That having been said:

I should be

kicked out

of Facebook.


(click the images to see them full size.)

To date, one group's been restored (with complaints) and the grandma blowjob group now has an administrator, but she hasn't changed the group back. Probably because she does unspeakable things with her grandparents.

(Bed.)

The fantastic part about doing this is that if I leave the groups after editing them, there is nothing tracing me back to the crime.

Except, of course, when I post a confession in my goddamn blog.

Myspace.com: facebook for dropouts and other folk

The thing about Facebook is that to join, you have to go to college. Doesn't matter if it's a good one. Harvard and Oakland Community College are both on there. Which means that if you're not on Facebook, you didn't go to college.

And when I'm looking for old friends from elementary school or whatever and I search and they're not on Facebook, you know what I conclude from that?

They're dead. All my friends from 6th grade are dead because they aren't a member of facebook.com. I'm sure they're on Myspace.com, which is like a facebook that includes dumb kids, too. Well, just kids in general. And bands. And celebrities.

Hell, my 12 year old brother is on myspace. For me, if my little brother does anything, that takes it down a few pegs. He better join facebook after high school.

(Class.)

This away message proved to me that my friends are nice enough to correct me about dumb crap like there being a Facebook for high schoolers.

I understand that there's a Facebook for high school kids, but I refuse to acknowledge its existence.

You have to earn Facebook, people. College Facebook is your proof that you got into a place of higher education. Myspace is your proof that you have a working internet connection. Also, could we get more people playing crappy music on their Myspace pages? Because I want bad music to be guaranteed with every page of that damn community so I have good reason to never join.

Loathsome umbrella hog.

Guys, it might be rainy out, but keep this in mind: you are not allowed to share an umbrella with your guy friends. I don't care how long you've been best friends: if your buddy keeps you dry, you're his new girlfriend.

I've run up to girls I hardly know and decided to talk to them because they have umbrellas. 'Hey, Charlene! I haven't seen you since, uh, orientation! Want to go to class with me, then wait outside until I have to go someplace else?'
Then she might give me a weird look and walk away, and then I'll wonder why I'm still even Facebook friends with her.

I just made up a girl named Charlene and within two paragraphs she turned into a loathsome umbrella hog.

In conclusion, don't share dude umbrellas and exploit your lady friends, unless they're Charlene, in which case they're stuck up bitches.

(Class.)

I had a crush on a girl named Charlene my freshman year of high school, but she was one of those people that had like two friends and then disappeared sophomore year, probably because one of her friends got her pregnant. Sure, she may have just moved away, but I like to pretend something awful happened to her because she never went out with me. Like, instead of going out with me, she got pregnant in the men's bathroom and dropped out of school.

Facebook friend details

Facebook's new 'How do I know this person?' feature is undoubtedly going to make a lot of people very sad.

People will realize that a vast majority of their internet friends are total strangers, and then naturally the next step is to process this fact in your head so that it comes out as OH MY FUCK, ALL MY FRIENDS ARE FAKE.

And that's when the suicides begin. People discover that an entire internet identity is a sham, that all the people they considered online friends have no actual link to them, and that there is no reason to stick around.

Then they'll remember that the internet is full of weak connections and that what's happening here is the nature of the internet. Nobody really knows anybody, but man, can we swap porn.

The end.

(Bed.)