St. Patrick's Day is to Ireland...

I have no idea why people are so okay with drinking beer all morning. You ever try getting drunk during the day? The sunlight just crawls into your eyes and dropkicks your brain. You feel like a vampire, hissing at the sun and squinting.

But this whole holiday is now mocking what it used to celebrate. St. Patrick's Day is to Ireland what fraternities are to Greece.

Time for beer. Note that it's almost sunset. That's because God did not intend humans to get totally effing sloshed before lunchtime. You think about that, assuming you're not passed out, you stupid drunk reader.

(Shamrock Shakes.)