Adding cleavage to your sweatshirt

Today I saw a girl wearing what appeared to be one of the dumbest outfits I'd seen since St. Patrick's Day.

This girl, presumably in a sorority (their minds and menstrual cycles tend to synch up), was wearing a navy sweatshirt and sweatpants. And that's fine. The 'I just rolled off a random mattress and went to class' look is fine if you're a dumb whore.

However, she'd cut the top of the sweatshirt so that the neck was huge. The now-gigantic neck then fell to the side, exposing her left shoulder and making her look like an absolute clowntard.
'Hey, what's this sweatsuit missing? Ah yes, an exposed shoulder and/or cleavage. Better get out the scissors, because I'm a moron.'

(Bed.)

In case the earlier comment about St. Patrick's Day is confusing to non-college-students, allow me to explain how that holiday works on campus:
College students, usually of the white and rich variety, wake up at the crack of dawn to drink alcohol. The women in this group tend to wear the goofiest crap just so they can say they're wearing green. Guys tend to not deviate from the standard green polo or t-shirt, khakis, green beads, and obnoxious green hat. Women are allowed to get creative, and this is when things go awry.

This year I saw a girl wander into a pizza place sporting a sideways ponytail, a baggy white t-shirt with a green and orange design, green sweatpants, and slippers. She looked like an asshole, but then again she was drunk, so she was stumbling around like an asshole, too.

Hell, the girl from St. Patrick's Day could have been the girl I saw today, but I've come to a point where I can't tell sorority girls apart. There could be just one sorority girl making an ass out of herself who can just run really fast to create the illusion that sorority girls everywhere do dumb shit, when in fact it's just the one speedy one.

Hash Bash and a Ferris Bueller reference

As if watching people get obliterated at 7am for St. Patrick's Day only two weeks ago wasn't enough, Hash Bash is today.

These holidays are centered around drug abuse usually play out like really bad children's books. 'Today I got out of bed and it was a silly, silly day! Everyone wore green and threw up in the streets! Vegans smoked reefer would still not eat meats!'

Of course, that's a combination of the two holidays, but still, I expect today to play out like some kind of topsy-turvy Dr. Seuss book where everybody has a star on their belly and a bong in their hand. And I'm working all day, so I'll be around this mayhem on the clock.

(Work, 11-7.)

Someone pointed out that Hash Bash is not a holiday. To the common man, no, it's not another day, but to hundreds of smelly hippies, it's two Christmases, a Thanksgiving, and one of those days where you pretend to be sick but instead just ditch school to hang out with your friends.

Ironically, none of the hippies looked like they had ever had schools to ditch. Same goes for jobs.

St. Patrick's Day is to Ireland...

I have no idea why people are so okay with drinking beer all morning. You ever try getting drunk during the day? The sunlight just crawls into your eyes and dropkicks your brain. You feel like a vampire, hissing at the sun and squinting.

But this whole holiday is now mocking what it used to celebrate. St. Patrick's Day is to Ireland what fraternities are to Greece.

Time for beer. Note that it's almost sunset. That's because God did not intend humans to get totally effing sloshed before lunchtime. You think about that, assuming you're not passed out, you stupid drunk reader.

(Shamrock Shakes.)

Go to the bar at 7am

I don't care what day it is.

If you wake up and go to the bar at 7am, you're an alcoholic.

(Bed.)

People are planning their entire days around binge drinking. That kind of motivation is almost admirable until you actually see it in action. Then you want to start choking people. Or at least I want to start choking people, but then again, I'm just a chokey kinda guy.

Stereotyping the Irish once a year

If you think about it, St. Patrick's Day is outrageously offensive toward the Irish. We basically say, 'Hey, I'm Irish, too! And I started drinking green alcohol at 7am because I'm so goddamn festive!'

I'm no world traveler, but I'm guessing this is not the way the real Ireland works. The Xtreme American version of Ireland basically has us reducing Irish heritage to a color and a binge.

We don't do this for any other holidays. 'Hey, it's Martin Luther King Jr. Day so we're eating fried chicken from 7am until we go to bed! Give me a kiss, because I'm a black person!'

I wonder why the real Irish don't complain about our bastardized version of it their culture. Probably because they're too drunk to notice.

(Work, 3-11.)