Rednecks, white girls, and identity theft

Have you seen those identity theft protection commercials? It's good to see that people are still trying to make money by scaring my mom.

Those commercials feature an everyday American giving a testimonial about some stuff they bought, only their voice is the opposite of what you'd expect. Classy old ladies? Redneck voices. Black man? Whitest white girl voice possible. The goal is for people to see these commercials and think, 'Oh my God, those rednecks and white girl stole an identity. Better buy things.'

Well, America, I have news for you:
Rednecks don't steal identities. Most don't even have computers. Don't fear them because of identity theft. Fear them because of Deliverance.

And I have helped so many white girls fix their goddamn computers that the odds of one of them hacking into your mainframe and virusing your identity (their words, not mine) are somewhere between zero and itself.

(Bed.)

You're safe, America. At least until a terrorist with bird flu gets you.

If you want to be afraid of someone on the internet, fear the geeky white guys and foreigners overseas that are actually capable of stealing your identity. Or, more importantly, fear the people tricking you into buying protection from people who know less about computers than you do.