AIM convo: how do u know my name

Yesterday a stranger IMed me. His profile revealed his first and last name and he didn't seem to be aware of this, so I took advantage of the situation.

B P 1718: wat is your name
B P 1718: i hear about you from a freind
J aCkAs Skid: which friend? and what is your name, David?
B P 1718: how do u know my name
J aCkAs Skid: THE INTERNET!!!
B P 1718: ahhhhhhhh
B P 1718: SERIUSLY HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW MY NAME
J aCkAs Skid: I had to call every Smith residence to get your first name. It was a lot of work
B P 1718: HOLY CRAP

And he was not kidding. Kid's kind of an idiot.

(bed.)

People ask me where I find these people, and the answer is that I don't. They find me. Usually they get my screen name from my old website. Back in 2004 when the website was in its hayday, I'd post AIM conversations, people would would read them and put me on their buddy list, then months, sometimes years later they'd send me instant messages wondering who I am because they'd forgotten. This often led to hilarity, or if I was feeling lazy, they just led to me sending Goatse.cx to people who may or may not be too young to drive. Whoops.

If I'm feeling ambitious, I'll post the rest of my conversation with him because it was pretty funny.

Rednecks, white girls, and identity theft

Have you seen those identity theft protection commercials? It's good to see that people are still trying to make money by scaring my mom.

Those commercials feature an everyday American giving a testimonial about some stuff they bought, only their voice is the opposite of what you'd expect. Classy old ladies? Redneck voices. Black man? Whitest white girl voice possible. The goal is for people to see these commercials and think, 'Oh my God, those rednecks and white girl stole an identity. Better buy things.'

Well, America, I have news for you:
Rednecks don't steal identities. Most don't even have computers. Don't fear them because of identity theft. Fear them because of Deliverance.

And I have helped so many white girls fix their goddamn computers that the odds of one of them hacking into your mainframe and virusing your identity (their words, not mine) are somewhere between zero and itself.

(Bed.)

You're safe, America. At least until a terrorist with bird flu gets you.

If you want to be afraid of someone on the internet, fear the geeky white guys and foreigners overseas that are actually capable of stealing your identity. Or, more importantly, fear the people tricking you into buying protection from people who know less about computers than you do.