Ointment is not sexy

Did you know that if you use the word 'ointment' on a first date that your odds of getting a second date can be reduced by up to 70%?

'Ointment' is one of the unsexiest words in the English language. Repeated use of the word 'ointment' can lead to social isolation, erectile dysfunction, and uncomfortable looks from people within earshot.

'Ointment' also makes a great safe word. Keep that in mind when negotiating a safe word with your leather-clad loved one.

(Work.)

A lady friend IMed me and said this:
"is that true? or only in the date situation? because I have used that word before and I still have a lot of sex."

I'm pretty sure you can use the word in casual, nonsexual conversation. For example, you could say "ointment" around your boss and not worry about whether or not your significant other is going to have sex with you later. However, you shouldn't say the word "ointment" around your boss if you plan on having sex with him or her.

I think if I were engaging in kinky S&M action, words like "ointment" and "eczema" are a great way to take you out of that butt-spanking mentality and back into a world where your skin isn't perfect, and neither is your life.

You're not perfect, and you will know that by the sound of "ointment."

Vaginal cream from Grandpa

When my grandfather heard that I had dry skin, he left to retrieve a tube of cortizone cream in his suitcase upstairs. Minutes later, he returned to give me a tube of cortizone cream, only it wasn't regular cortizone cream.

It was vaginal cream. My grandfather had vaginal cream.

'It's great for jock itch,' he said.
'This is for vaginas, you crazy old man,' I thought.
'Thanks,' I said, putting the vaginal cream in my pocket and wondering why he didn't use non-vaginal cream for his dry skin.

Most grandparents just shower their graduated grandchildren with hugs, checks, and alumni t-shirts, but my grandfather went the extra mile and gave me cream for a vagina. Thanks, Grandpa!

(Work 'til 4ish.)

For the record, I love the shit out of my grandparents.

Also, this would have been a great way to call me a pussy. However, Grandpa's at that age where calling people pussies just isn't cool anymore. Plus he said "I use this stuff myself" which kind of ruins any "Here's some vaginal cream, you vagina" jokes.