Shit of varying buoyancy

Tonight I watched about two dozen people drink dirt and wood chips.

Beer pong is an awful idea if it's outdoors. I don't care if it's gameday and you're the biggest football fan ever: you're still throwing ping pong balls onto the ground and then dunking them in water. That is not cleaning. That is moistening.

Tonight the beer had both floaters and sinkers. All red cups contained shit of varying buoyancy, and people were still all drinky-drinky because HEY FREE KEG BEER.

So I hope you all enjoyed it, People Across the Street, because you just got tuberculosis from beer mud.

(Bed.)

Lessons from an 80s party

Learned from the party:

• Dress up if it's a theme party or prepare to get shit all night.
• High fiving people while they're making out with strangers is hilarious. To you, not them.
• The worst part about an 80s-themed party is the 80s music. Fanny packs and padded shoulders don't have shit on a Madonna mix CD.
• If the beer is bad enough, you'll get a hangover before you even go to bed.
• You may find out that people from complete opposite ends of your social circle may make out or even date each other.
• Referencing grandpa prostates during a game of beer pong does not get old if you are drunk.
• High fives are universal.
• Butt pinches are not.

(Krogering.)