The new Turing test

While I was at my lab meeting, Amy was going through my files and she found a picture I saved of a dead carjacker who had jumped from the roof of a building and accidentally, um, lost his head.

'WHY WOULD YOU SAVE THAT?' she asked.

The thing is, people, everyone needs horrifying pictures on their hard drives. What, then, would you send people you don't like? Viruses are for dog humpers. Email forwards are for old people (my grandpa once sent me a far right propaganda email proclaming America the last bastion of hope against those 'damn A-rabs'). You need to send them something that will make them scream, and in doing so prove that they are not a robot.

The Turing Test isn't as valid as before. Words don't distinguish who's human or not. Gagging at a picture of a dead carjacker or a jpeg of a man's stretched out butthole, though? That's just humanity.

(sushi.)

Blade Runner, Internet style

When a new screen name IMs me and I don't know who they are and all their responses seem stupid, it's just like I'm in Blade Runner.

There's a good chance they're a bot. They're not human, but within the context of internet communication, they're just as credible as you and me. It's only through language and ideas that we can prove our humanity.

And you know how I define humanity? Screaming in terror when you see tubgirl (a picture of a woman pooping on her own face in a bathtub). Or swearing at me when you see the goatse man spread his cheeks. Or ask me what the fuck meatspin.com is. And amazingly, this technique works.

I know who is a bot and who is real based on who gets mad at me when I show them butts and poop and penises. I am a new age Rick Deckard.

And, like him, you have no idea if I'm a real person, either.

(Out living my human life....OR AM I?!)

With enough grant money, I'm sure I could devise a way to make Butthole Picture Humanity Detection (BPHD) an official method of differentiating between jerks and bots.

Unlimited Shut Up Buttholes

With regular conversation, when someone bothers you, all you can do is stop talking to them. On the internet, you can do all sorts of awful things. You can swear at them, you can USE CAPS LOCK, you can send them horrifying pictures of deformed genitals that you keep in a folder labeled, 'NO!', you can block them.

Score four points for the internet and a big fat fumble for real life. Every time I send a bothersome person a picture of a gaping butt, I feel better about myself. So thanks again, internet. You've provided unlimited Shut Up Buttholes and subsequent unlimited laughs.

Plus ip-relay.com made a lady ask me to fart down her throat.

(Bed.)