A celebration of puberty and orthodontics

Tonight at the all-ages Tally Hall concert, I was bothered by the sheer amount of younger folk there. They were all young, bright-eyed, and enthusiastic. It was a celebration of puberty and orthodontics.

I generally wanted these younger people to leave. Many of them sang along, and when you're standing next to someone singing along, it looks like you're enjoying the concert less than them, and that's ridiculous.

I just wanted to bust out the ol' pubes and say, 'LOOK AT THESE! I have earned them. Stop singing or I'll take them out again.'

And that's where growing older has brought me: making empty threats that involve my pubes. Getting older sucks.

(Bed.)

Fun fact: I wrote entry this while I was drunk last night, then added it to the blog this morning. I don't remember writing this one as much as others, and it kind of feels like someone else wrote it. It's like Drunk Henry was ghostwriting for Sober Henry. The most disappointing part about that is I can't tell if there's a difference of quality. Apparently I sound like a drunk guy all the time.

Remember that show Ghost Writer? This ghost would talk to kids, but he could only do it by moving letters around. Somehow he couldn't just possess people and say stuff like a normal ghost.

Anyway, you think he ever got drunk and abusive toward his kid friends? Like he'd scramble all the letters around on the drink menu and the kids would have to figure out what he's saying.

"'Hmmm, it says GO __CK Y__R S_LV_S"
"Ghost Writer, what could that mean?"
"I don't know team, but that's continue to stroke our chins in thought."
"I've got it!"
"Well then, what is it? Maybe we've solved the case!"
"I think he's telling us to go check our slaves."
"..."
"Alright, let's go check our slaves. Thanks, Ghost Writer!"

For those of you who love riddles but can't solve them, Ghost Writer just told the kids to go fuck themselves. It's kind of important to the slaves joke that you get that first, but whatever, I can only do so much.

Unnecessary audience blue balling

I don't know why the encore caught on as a concert tradition. I'm sure the first couple times it was a welcome surprise, but now, 300 years later, it's expected. The encore has just become this unnecessary audience blue balling.

Come on, you stupid band, I paid you money, I know it's happening, so how about you just play the last two songs right now and you don't walk away and pretend you're not coming back.

That'd be like marrying a girl, and then her making out with you, then pretending to fall asleep for sixty seconds before 'waking up' and doing you.

I paid you, so wake up and play me two more songs. With your naked wife body.

And that's why I hate encores: they cheapen the idea of marriage.

(Party.)

Every time a band leaves and then comes back to play songs, I feel like it's Christmas Day and I have to open presents while saying "Thank you, Santa" because I'm not allowed to admit that I know the secret of Christmas: that Santa isn't real and that the band is coming back. Like if I told the people around me that the band was definitely returning I'd be spoiling the concert for them.

However, some people really like clapping, so me telling them the truth may ruin their fun. I also feel this way at football games. "THEY'RE MAKING YOU CLAP BECAUSE NOTHING IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW." People clap between plays in football games because the cheerleaders tell them to. All the goddamn clapping accomplishes nothing. The next play will continue just like how the band is coming back. So stop hitting your hands together, you morons.

Now that I think about it, has clapping ever accomplished anything? Think about that, internet people. (The last three paragraphs were written while I was drunk. I feel like that's an achievement.)