Jeff Lewis: rebel, lawyer, inmate

Sometimes I wonder whatever happened to Jeff Lewis, a guy in my 7th grade class who was later bumped up to 8th grade because the principal was afraid of him.

Jeff was big for his age. Maybe he matured early or maybe he was held back years ago. Either way, he was big and got into a lot of fights, so our principal moved him up to 8th grade so he'd be out of school faster.

Basically he scared our school's administration, so they said, 'You're huge, so we're moving you up a grade.'

There's a chance Jeff got to high school and his teachers thought, 'Damn, he's big and violent, let's just pass him and be done with it.' In a couple weeks, he's got a high school degree.

Then he applies to college and the dean sends him a letter saying, 'Please don't beat me up. Enclosed is your diploma.'

Yep, life sure could be funny for this guy, though he's more likely to be in prison for beating a man with a shovel.

(Best buy.)

To continue the story:
Jeff applies to law school and he gets a letter back saying, 'Don't bother coming here. We pulled some strings and you passed the Bar. Leave us alone.'

Jeff goes to court and the judge immediately says, 'Jeff wins, so this guy's guilty and getting executed. You can leave the courtroom, Jeff. Don't hit me.'

On to Real Life Jeff Lewis news:
My buddy Darryl pointed out that a couple years ago he saw Jeff's brother at a park. Apparently Jeff played bass and sang in a hardcore band. Good for him, I say.

Darryl ripped Jeff's band's CD and sent me a couple mp3s. It was your typical hardcore music, though the band's collective education seemed to be lacking, as evidenced by the lyric:

"BURN THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE!"

...

No, seriously.

Here's wikipedia's summary of the Declaration of Independence:
"The Declaration of Independence is the document in which the Thirteen Colonies in North America declared themselves independent of the Kingdom of Great Britain and explained their justifications for doing so."

Yeah, burn that fucker, Jeff! America sucks! Being a collection of separately chartered and governed British colonies is fucking awesome, man!

Eating wings until I'm physically unable to eat more wings

The Heidelberg offers unlimited wings for people who drink two beers. And there are decent beers available for two dollars. This means that if I spend four dollars (plus a dollar tip), I can eat wings until I'm physically unable to eat more wings.

How does the Heidelberg stay in business? I'll tell you why: the lines for the wings are ridonkulous, the trays of them get empty very quickly, and the wings are kinda crappy.

But did I mention that they're free? Because that'll make people wait in long lines regardless of whether or not the free thing is good or not.

Still, that doesn't mean I won't try to make this place go out of business.

(Ending the Heidelberg.)

If I ever get rich, I'm going to every bar in town and putting enough money in the jukebox to play Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" 30 times in a row. Drunk guys hate that song.

Fall Out Boy sucks, pirate tetris rules

I recently started playing an online game called Puzzle Pirates. Basically, you 'do' pirate stuff in the form of puzzle games that resemble Tetris or Snood. It's not as retarded as it sounds.

Oh, I'm sorry, is 'retarded' offensive?

It's not as horse-fucking as it sounds.

Anyway, the game appeals to broad range of ages, and sometimes this means I'll play with kids. And these kids will have handles like 'falloutboyy.' And I fucking hate Fall Out Boy. It's very bad music for very stupid people.

So I'll challenge these kids to swordfighting matches in the game and I'll usually win, because they're kids and they like bad music.

That's what the internet lets us do. We can passive-aggressively hate bands by beating their fans in games of pirate tetris.

Yet another aspect of the internet I'll never be able to explain to Mom.

(Smash Bros.)

I highly recommend you check out Puzzle Pirates. It's free, it's fun, and best of all, it doesn't cost any money. Because it's free. So play it.

Games copied in Puzzle Pirates include: Snood (Puzzle Bobble), Tetris Attack, Alchemy, and Chu Chu Rocket. There are other games, but I don't know how to explain them, so I won't.

In conclusion, play that game or I'll cut you.

A celebration of puberty and orthodontics

Tonight at the all-ages Tally Hall concert, I was bothered by the sheer amount of younger folk there. They were all young, bright-eyed, and enthusiastic. It was a celebration of puberty and orthodontics.

I generally wanted these younger people to leave. Many of them sang along, and when you're standing next to someone singing along, it looks like you're enjoying the concert less than them, and that's ridiculous.

I just wanted to bust out the ol' pubes and say, 'LOOK AT THESE! I have earned them. Stop singing or I'll take them out again.'

And that's where growing older has brought me: making empty threats that involve my pubes. Getting older sucks.

(Bed.)

Fun fact: I wrote entry this while I was drunk last night, then added it to the blog this morning. I don't remember writing this one as much as others, and it kind of feels like someone else wrote it. It's like Drunk Henry was ghostwriting for Sober Henry. The most disappointing part about that is I can't tell if there's a difference of quality. Apparently I sound like a drunk guy all the time.

Remember that show Ghost Writer? This ghost would talk to kids, but he could only do it by moving letters around. Somehow he couldn't just possess people and say stuff like a normal ghost.

Anyway, you think he ever got drunk and abusive toward his kid friends? Like he'd scramble all the letters around on the drink menu and the kids would have to figure out what he's saying.

"'Hmmm, it says GO __CK Y__R S_LV_S"
"Ghost Writer, what could that mean?"
"I don't know team, but that's continue to stroke our chins in thought."
"I've got it!"
"Well then, what is it? Maybe we've solved the case!"
"I think he's telling us to go check our slaves."
"..."
"Alright, let's go check our slaves. Thanks, Ghost Writer!"

For those of you who love riddles but can't solve them, Ghost Writer just told the kids to go fuck themselves. It's kind of important to the slaves joke that you get that first, but whatever, I can only do so much.

Unnecessary audience blue balling

I don't know why the encore caught on as a concert tradition. I'm sure the first couple times it was a welcome surprise, but now, 300 years later, it's expected. The encore has just become this unnecessary audience blue balling.

Come on, you stupid band, I paid you money, I know it's happening, so how about you just play the last two songs right now and you don't walk away and pretend you're not coming back.

That'd be like marrying a girl, and then her making out with you, then pretending to fall asleep for sixty seconds before 'waking up' and doing you.

I paid you, so wake up and play me two more songs. With your naked wife body.

And that's why I hate encores: they cheapen the idea of marriage.

(Party.)

Every time a band leaves and then comes back to play songs, I feel like it's Christmas Day and I have to open presents while saying "Thank you, Santa" because I'm not allowed to admit that I know the secret of Christmas: that Santa isn't real and that the band is coming back. Like if I told the people around me that the band was definitely returning I'd be spoiling the concert for them.

However, some people really like clapping, so me telling them the truth may ruin their fun. I also feel this way at football games. "THEY'RE MAKING YOU CLAP BECAUSE NOTHING IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW." People clap between plays in football games because the cheerleaders tell them to. All the goddamn clapping accomplishes nothing. The next play will continue just like how the band is coming back. So stop hitting your hands together, you morons.

Now that I think about it, has clapping ever accomplished anything? Think about that, internet people. (The last three paragraphs were written while I was drunk. I feel like that's an achievement.)

Hardcore music can ruin new friendships

You ever meet someone and immediately get off on the wrong foot with them?

Back when I was planning rock shows, I was introduced to this guy named Daniel during an Enthura concert. Enthura is a hardcore band, and their instrumental work is quality, but their vocals are the screechiest, most unintelligible horse shit I have ever heard. It's like someone told the lead vocalist to make fun of bad metal vocals, then he forgot he was joking and kept sounding like an asshole.

Anyway, I see Enthura playing, and some kids start swinging their arms around (this is called 'hardcore dancing'), and this combination of high-pitched wailing and arm flailing was hilarious, so I turn to my new friend Daniel and say, 'These guys fucking suck.'

He must have misheard me ('suck' = 'rock'?), because he leaned in, smiled, and said, 'I live with these guys. They're awesome!'

I nodded, then left without saying anything else, because there's no recovering from that difference of opinion.

(meeting.)

Bonus content: Also, here's a video on the origin of hardcore dancing. The accuracy is frightening.

Also, Enthura is on Myspace. Check out their music, and do your best to ignore the vocals. They're like turds on an otherwise delicious chocolate cake.

Is it just me or do screamy hardcore vocalists sound a lot like that "You stole my fucking Cloudsong" guy?

For those of you who don't know what is happening in the Cloudsong video, let me explain:
A nerd playing an online game felt that someone stole his magical video game item, so he proceeded to freak the fuck out, in doing so making the other nerds very uncomfortable.

I think My Screaming Cloudsong would be a decent hardcore band name, assuming it isn't already taken.

Myspace-lookin' jerks and Cojum Dip

Tonight I saw some of the most myspace-lookin' jerks at the battle of the bands that featured Cojum Dip. One band used the lyrics 'That's right, girl / you're too sweet for me.' And they did so unironically.

The tragedy is that women wanted to bang these dudes. Badly. These guys wore their vaginas on their sleeves and women, instead of saying, 'icky, those leak' were all like 'OMG I crave girly-guy dong.'

When I rise up and destroy the emo kids, there will not only be justice, there will be just us. And it will be awesome.

(Bed.)

Because I love spreading hate like honey on a stripper's ass (I tried Nutella, but it looked like she'd just shat herself), the awful, awful band in question is called The Second Guess, and it is impossible to simultaneously like their music and be able to wipe your own ass. So if you hear this music and start tapping your toe, chances are you're wearing a diaper.

Cojum Dip, on the other hand, is trying new things with music. Sometimes it involves accordions, bagpipes, and the occasional Mega Man III cover; other times, there's a lot of hard metal screaming. Videos of them in action here. Innovation, variety, and Mexican wrestling masks. Rock out.

Unfortunately, The Second Guess placed in the top 3 of the concert because every fat, emo high school chick within 50 miles showed up to sing along to the bad music while silently thinking about hamburgers. Cojum Dip fell 4 votes short of the top 3, which means any of you Ann Arborites reading this need to go to the next Cojum Dip show. And don't give me any of that "but I have homework" crap. Cojum Dip is better than reading. It says so on their t-shirts (or so it should).

EDIT: Due to a fuckup made by the concert staff, the top four bands will move on, meaning Cojum Dip shall ride again. Details later.

The clean secret behind nakedlawyers.com

Tonight I jokingly told Amy to send nude pictures of herself to the Bar Association, because nobody wants an ugly lawyer (look at the ones on TV. Hello, Boner City!). She just kind of sighed, as she often does when I say things. I then offered that maybe nakedlawyers.com would prove me right. And she, being at the computer, actually went to nakedlawyers.com.

Now, the internet hosts many fetishes, and I figured there's got to be people who want to bang lawyers, right? Well, it turns out nakedlawyers.com does NOT show you steamy prosecuties, but rather it forwards you to a website for children's music. I have never been so disgusted to not see gavels in vaginas in all my life.

Someone hits up the internet hoping to see Judge Judy's naughty bits and then suddenly BAM! A song called 'Mammals Eat Coconuts.' Flaccidtown, USA.

(bed.)

You get forwarded to bobroden.com, a website about some Raffi-type jerk who is in no way affiliated with nude attorneys.

Honky Tonk Badonkadonk

What scares me most about that Honky Tonk Badonkadonk song isn't just the fact that it's country music stealing words and sexism from rap culture. Oh no, dumb words and the degradation of women have been around since Shakespeare wrote sonnet #CLV, which ended with the lines:
Baby I like it when you shake that rump
Now, harlot, bend over so I can hump

No, the scary part of Honky Tonk Badonkadonk is the way it's all about butts. And that's that. Everyone loves butts; this is a universal fact. This song takes this truth and puts it on our lap with a southern accent, and I think that's too much for some people.

You ever notice how someone can talk about how tight a butt is in a song, but the second they talk about the tightness of a butt hole, people are suddenly 'better than that'?

(work.)

By adding the word "hole" to all those dirty rap songs about stank ass hoe booties, all that misogyny is somehow less appealing. This is a fact I need to share with the world.