My roommate is short and I am mean

Yesterday my kinda short roommate Katz was showing me the robe he'll wear when he graduates with his master's degree.

Katz: 'Look what I got.' (holds up a bag from the book store) 'When are YOU graduating?'
Me: 'I graduated last year.'
Katz: 'Yeah, but did your robe look like THIS?' (holds up robe with a special red trim for graduate students)
Me: 'No, my robe was in an adult size.'
Katz: (the sound of scowling)

Now that I've typed this, I'm probably going to come home to a turd on my bed or, knowing the extent of Katz's (tiny, Napoleonic) rage, I'll return to an entire sentence spelled out with turds, elaborately planned from weeks prior and painstakingly molded with love and rubber gloves.

(work.)

Even if he were to spell something simple like "I hate you" he'd have to stockpile his poop for at least a couple of weeks. That's dedication.

Hope you like dirty magazines, apartment tourists

Hey Katz,

Our landlord is showing the apartment tomorrow, so I'll tidy up the living room and kitchen in the morning.

You may have noticed that I've put piles of Asian porn on your bedroom floor. Don't move it. It took me a long time to arrange the piles of Asian porn to spell out 'Please live here next year, apartment tourists.'

Yeah, I have a lot of Asian porn.

I'll tell you what: after the apartment showing tomorrow, you can peel off whatever magazines you can keep whatever you can separate from the rest of the pile.

Yeah, the porn is used.

Anyway, just giving you a heads up. If there's any porn you want spread all over the living room, feel free to go for it. Have a nice night.

-Henry

(bed.)

We didn't really lay porn out, but the last tour that went through probably saw the giant wiener I drew on the shower door with my finger that morning.

My roommate is a good guy, cat, hobbit

My roommate's a swell guy and I'll gladly vouch for him if ever the ladiez are debating grabbing a slice of short Hebrew lovin'.

'Hey girl, you know how is name is Katz? Turns out we've got a coincidence on our hands and he's like cats, too. He's got an abrasive tongue. You ever receive oral sex from a cat before? Baby, you haven't lived.'

'You've seen Lord of the Rings before, right? Did you find those furry little hobbits sexy? If so, you should meet my roommate. He's got a ring for you, baby. It's his O-ring. C'mon, be the Samwise Gamgee to his Frodo Baggins.'

I've found that the best way to get a man laid is to compare him to animals and talk about Lord of the Rings. Women like that stuff, right?

(work.)

Drink 'til you do Katz

My roommate, Katz, is a really nice guy. Sure, he's not some big, strong man, but he's really nice, even if he's always flipping me off for no reason.

He's a good guy, but he's also single, and I think he deserves a girlfriend. Because of this, whenever a girl's in the apartment, I get excited. Hey! Maybe they'll suddenly fuck!

At parties, when Katz is there, and girls are there, we used to get the girls to play a game called 'Drink 'Til You Do Katz.' To date, no ladies have 'won,' and by 'won' I mean 'gotten blind drunk and made out with my roommate.'

So if you have a friend, ex-girlfriend, or sister that you think Katz should make out with, shoot me an IM, and I'll see if I can rub her face against his until they fall in love (or at least have some sex).

(work.)

Thinking "Maybe they'll suddenly fuck" makes sex seem like a "stop, drop, and roll" kind of thing. "It was just a reflex. The sex alarm went off."

Oh man, if they sell sex alarms, I'm buying one. How can you argue with an alarm? Is it worth jeopardizing your safety by not having sex? It's an alarm, people.

Seriously, though, if anybody knows a respectable lady in the Ann Arbor area, hit me up. We'll arrange a playdate.