Hiding garbage in a Blue Cab

Anybody here ever call the Ann Arbor Blue Cab? Because you should never, ever call Ann Arbor Blue Cab.

I was going from the train station to work and I had to get there within 45 minutes. So I call them, they say they'll be there in 15, then in about 45 minutes they show up and a guy just comes out and says 'hey.'

He may as well have said, 'Hey, you call a blue cab? 'Cause we didn't take down your name or phone number, so we basically have no way to identify you, so yeah, get in.'

As I'm riding in his hoopty I realized I had no way to get revenge on this guy for making me late to work. I couldn't refuse to tip him because that's directly mean and I was already late so calling in and complaining would just make me later, so I decided the only thing I could do would be to hide garbage in his car.

Unfortunately, I'd used a trash can earlier, so my stockpile of pocket garbage was depleted. But from now on, I'm carrying garbage with me to punish people I don't like but have to deal with anyway.

(nap.)

On my way out of the Blue Cab, I tried to squeeze out a fart. Any cab driver who stores my luggage in a dirty trunk lined with blankets deserves to smell poop air for a few seconds to a couple minutes, depending on what I ate.

I doubt people would make the connection between the strategically hidden garbage and their crappy service. Bad waitresses will get a fair tip, but I'm taking all the sugar packets I can fit in my pockets and then hiding gum wrappers in the ketchup bottle. That way, the next group of people to sit at that table will be treated to a small pile of Bazooka Joe comics on their french fries and that bitch waitress well get a bad tip from someone other than me.

Diarrhea milkshakes for your loved one

Sometimes your girlfriend is going to feel down. Now, you can ask her to talk about her problems, many of which cannot be solved with words, OR you can comfort her by talking about poop and farts. Guess which one I use.

I believe the term I found most reliable was 'diarrhea milkshake,' used in the phrase, 'Aww, sweetie, why don't you have a diarrhea milkshake to make you feel better?'

So guys, if your woman's feeling down, just talk to her about combining nasty poop with ice cream. That takes the problem from, 'Life is sad sometimes' to 'That's fucking disgusting. Please don't talk about diarrhea milkshakes.' And come on, it's a funny, so she'll probably laugh.

If she doesn't, dump her. She must respect the diarrhea milkshake. Or drink one.

(bed.)

One of these days I'm going to run a tally on how many away messages revolve around poop, farts, and/or butts.

She wanted me to fart down her throat

Last night, my phone rang, and seconds later, a total stranger was telling me that she loved woman breasts dipped in barbeque sauce. She continued to say that wanted to be inside a bear vagina, and that she had rollerskates made out of babies. This woman had no choice but to say these things, and I'll be damned if it wasn't hilarious.

This is all because of ip-relay.com. It's a website intended for use by the deaf. The deaf person calls someone via the web, they type things, and an operator reads it to the person being called. This is a free service, yet the operator has to read what is on the screen.

I've had operators call me and say nothing but racial slurs and swears. Last night, courtesy of Brian, an operator told me that she wanted me to fart down her throat.

I love the internet.
(Papers forever.)