Don't ask me about being a graduate yet

So now that I'm graduated, the big 'I don't know you very well, but I want to talk to you anyway' question is 'How's it feel to be graduated?'

However, it's summertime, so this is a bad question to be asking. I wouldn't be in class anyway, so it's not like being graduated has any effect on my life right now.

Pretend for a moment that your friend Dave just got fired from his job on a Friday. On Saturday, you give him a call and say, 'Oh man, what's it like not having a job? Must be really weird, man. What are you going to do with the rest of your life now?'
But the thing is, Dave doesn't work on Saturdays anyway. He sleeps in and watches TV in his underpants, so his routine hasn't changed. Your question was too early. Ask him on Monday.

So I know you may be giddy to ask me about what being a college graduate is like, but I don't know yet. Ask me about it in September.

(Kroger.)

If you couldn't figure it out, I'm like Dave. Only he watches cartoons in his underpants, and I watch cartoons in the nude. On the communal couch in the basement. While slathering my body in other people's peanut butter.

I hope the summer subletters read this.

Four years smarter, I guess

Well, today I graduate with a BA from the University of Michigan. I feel four years smarter.

I came here as a fool, and I left as Batman.

And I'm not throwing my cap in the air, because that thing was freaking expensive, and I don't have the money to waste on fancy graduation caps and name brand cereal.

Also, to all other gradates, Congratulations, and I hope to Christ you're doing something with your lives so you have something to say to the dozens of people who will undoubtedly ask, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?!"

(Graduating.)

At graduation there were three screens that displayed, in text, what was being read onstage. In addition to the text screens, there was a woman doing sign language. I accepted that text screens were able to coexit with and a woman doing sign language, then got to thinking: Aren't text screens like digital women doing sign language? Why was the woman there if there those screens conveying the same information?

There's a chance that the commencement committee looked at the budget and said, 'Well, shit. We can only afford three of those screens that get words on them.' Then a fresh, new member of the committee piped up and said, 'Ya know, we can probably get one of those ladies.' Someone said, 'One of those ladies with arms?'
'Yeah, and sign language.'
'New guy, you're a genius. Three screens and an arm lady, it is.'

And that's why they just didn't have four text screens.

Goodbye class, hello death and frisbee

Well, as of today, many of my friends and I will never have to attend class at the University of Michigan ever again.

Now it's time to relax, take in some sunshine, and WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE?!

College is supposed to be the best years of our lives, and now it's almost over. You know what that means? We're going to be past our primes very, very soon.

Who can play frisbee at a time like this?!

(Nap, irony, etc.)

In response to my rhetorical question: Everyone. Everyone can play frisbee at a time like this. Christ, it's like the Frisbee Fairy went diarrhea crazy all over campus.

Also, could we all just wear little badges that say what we're doing next year? That question hovers over every conversation, just waiting to be asked. "So what are you doing next year?" It's kind of like asking, "What's up...UNTIL YOU DIE?"

Your badge could say "Law school" or "Engineering job." My badge would have a picture of a question mark made of tears.