Don't ask me about being a graduate yet

So now that I'm graduated, the big 'I don't know you very well, but I want to talk to you anyway' question is 'How's it feel to be graduated?'

However, it's summertime, so this is a bad question to be asking. I wouldn't be in class anyway, so it's not like being graduated has any effect on my life right now.

Pretend for a moment that your friend Dave just got fired from his job on a Friday. On Saturday, you give him a call and say, 'Oh man, what's it like not having a job? Must be really weird, man. What are you going to do with the rest of your life now?'
But the thing is, Dave doesn't work on Saturdays anyway. He sleeps in and watches TV in his underpants, so his routine hasn't changed. Your question was too early. Ask him on Monday.

So I know you may be giddy to ask me about what being a college graduate is like, but I don't know yet. Ask me about it in September.

(Kroger.)

If you couldn't figure it out, I'm like Dave. Only he watches cartoons in his underpants, and I watch cartoons in the nude. On the communal couch in the basement. While slathering my body in other people's peanut butter.

I hope the summer subletters read this.

Bad electricity, dead eskimos

Today an electrician evaluated our power situation at the house. What we received was a pink slip featuring a list of errors and the words: 'Status: FAIL'
Among the other blunders of our housing group:
-When the air conditioning broke, they hired eskimos to walk around the house and hug everybody.
-When our ceiling had a leak in it, they just gave us a bucket to collect any messes. When our toilet was broken, we got the same thing.
-Our toilet is powered by crank, and our washing machine is powered by a team of hamsters on wheels.
-All the hamsters are dead.
-So are half the eskimos.

Christ, these long away messages are killing me. I told myself, 'I want to go to bed' but I replied with 'make a dumb list about your house in which half the eskimos die.'

Ta da! Now I'm tired.

(Sleep, then work 3:30 to 9:30am.)

While writing that dumb list, I was tempted to include real things they've done wrong, but I decided that'd be too easy. But for fun, here's a serious list of crappy things Cappo Management has provided:
-Our dishwasher leaves little specks of crap on and around our dishes.
-At first our oven had no knob, but then they got us a knob, and it was blank, so they gave us an oven thermometer.
-One of the outlets in our kitchen is busted, so we have an extension cord going across the middle of our kitchen.
-Our toilet spit nastiness all over the 2nd floor of the house. Our bathroom also leaks into one of the 1st floor bedrooms, just not mine.
-One of the parking spots behind our house is shared with some random girl. We don't even know her name, but we routinely curse her existence every time we pull into our back yard and see her stupid car parked there. This isn't even her fault; she was put there for us to hate her. Thanks, landlords.

Our real problems make our fake problems seem so much more fun. Kind of makes me wish for a pile of dead hamsters in the basement.

New Student Plus

After you beat some video games, they let you go back with all your abilities and experience and replay the game from the beginning.

Can you imagine doing that after graduation? You could go back to freshman year and know about dorm food and fraternities and really get the most of college because you've (hopefully) got your priorities in place after 4 years of personal growth.

However, there are people who stick around after graduation and and bang naive freshman chicks. These people haven't gone back in time to relive the good ol' days. They aren't time travelers. They're just douche bags.

So while my little 'what if' scenario may get you thinking, I don't want you becoming a douche bag because of it.

(Work 'til 11ish.)

For those of you who played Chrono Trigger (bam! now all references are lost on 99% of women), you may remember how you could replay the game with all your cool items and abilities. In college, that'd mean you have the self confidence of a senior in the same situations as the other freshmen.

To put this in perspective with video games, this would be the same thing as beating up really basic enemies with higher-level attacks. The challenge would be gone. You could woo every girl you ever crushed on, pass every exam easily, and open a beer bottle with your keyring.

So given my explanation here, conquering dungeons in a video game is comparable to getting laid.

And ladies, if only you knew how true that was.

Goodbye class, hello death and frisbee

Well, as of today, many of my friends and I will never have to attend class at the University of Michigan ever again.

Now it's time to relax, take in some sunshine, and WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE?!

College is supposed to be the best years of our lives, and now it's almost over. You know what that means? We're going to be past our primes very, very soon.

Who can play frisbee at a time like this?!

(Nap, irony, etc.)

In response to my rhetorical question: Everyone. Everyone can play frisbee at a time like this. Christ, it's like the Frisbee Fairy went diarrhea crazy all over campus.

Also, could we all just wear little badges that say what we're doing next year? That question hovers over every conversation, just waiting to be asked. "So what are you doing next year?" It's kind of like asking, "What's up...UNTIL YOU DIE?"

Your badge could say "Law school" or "Engineering job." My badge would have a picture of a question mark made of tears.

Confusing pregnancy with having puppies

You ever IM ShoppingBuddy? He apparently confuses human pregnancy with having puppies.



I'm in a computer lab, doing a day's worth of work in a couple hours. Or not sleeping. We'll see.

(Word and PowerPoint.)

All I did was go into a computer lab, look at a couple of old PowerPoints, check my email, and go back home. I suck at college. Sorry, Mom and Dad.