Bad news you can understand

Knowing about computers in a world where most people do not means you've got to give a lot of bad news to people who don't understand what they've done.

I think that we, as tech people, should explain to them what they've done in their terms.

For example, 'You've let IE install too many toolbars so your system is slow' would become 'You left your front door and now animals have crapped all over the inside of your house.'

'Norton is why your computer takes so long to start up' becomes 'You've paid a lot of money for something that's difficult to remove to bog you down. You've glued silver chainmail to your chest when all you needed was a light jacket.'

And finally, 'Your system is filled with so many viruses it can't even boot so we have to reformat,' becomes 'You've ruined your life so badly should probably kill yourself and hope you come back as somebody less stupid.'

(work.)

And if you don't believe in reincarnation, you shouldn't own a computer.

Instant messaging is not manly

Some teenagers take the internet too seriously. That guy from two days ago, the one who insulted my technology when he got mad, IMed me with, 'ya i like how u talk shit on ur away mesage bt ur not man enough to talk shit to me.'

What 'ur not man enough to talk shit to me' really means is 'you're not man enough to send electronic messages to me over the internet.' Yeah, that pretty much defines manliness.

Like remember that scene in 300 when those totally badass Spartans sent text messages to Xerxes and they were like 'fuck u' and Xerxes texted back and said, 'lol u spartans r tough omg.'

Neither do I. Stop taking the internet seriously, you douche bag.

(work.)

The other obvious reason why the Spartans in 300 didn't send a text message to Xerxes is because you can't get a goddamn signal in that valley where Spartans kill people. Also, it's the past.

Insult anything but my Nintendo DS

Sometimes I'll be signed on and people will swear at me for no reason at all. Just the other day some guy IMed me while I was at work.
'hey josh,' he said. A day later he said again, 'hey josh.' Then apparently he got sick of me being gone and he typed to me:
'the nintendo ds sucks'
'hey douchebag'
'THE NINTENDO DS SUCKS'
and that's the last thing he said to me

All it took was a couple days of not being online for him to aim for the heart and insult the Nintendo DS. I guess 'fuck you' just wouldn't have worked for him so naturally he picked a piece of technology and told me it sucks.

I can just imagine this guy walking down the street, approaching some guy, and yelling, 'Hey Mark, YOUR IPOD SUCKS,' and then storming away without caring if that guy was actually Mark.

Sometimes friends ask me why I hate most of the people on the internet. Now you know.

(work.)

He insulted my DS because I had a poll up in my profile asking people what they thought of the DS because I was thinking about getting one.  Being the genius that he is, he went after the Nintendo DS because that's my Achilles heel.

Who gave the dumb girl WD40?

The printers we use at work have some moving parts that get to be very warm, so imagine my surprise when a girl sprayed WD40 all over one.

We got a call yesterday reporting that one of the printers in the Language Resource Center was 'squeaky,' but when my fellow rover Chris arrived to fix the problem, a girl who works behind the desk there told him that she'd 'taken care of it.' Chris checked the supposedly fixed printer and found that the back of it had been coated in WD40.

Bitch, you just added something very flammable to something very hot. Unless everyone not being on fire was the problem, you didn't take care of shit.

She told Chris 'when I first sprayed it on there, the printer started smoking.' That's the first sign that you've done something dangerously stupid, you clowntard.

The lesson here is that when something is hot, don't add WD40 to it, unless you hate being not on fire, in which case, go crazy, you idiot.

(work.)

When Chris told her that she turned the printer into a fire hazard, she didn't apologize for inadvertently making a bomb. She seemed a little frustrated, like that's how she takes care of all of her problems. Maybe she uses WD40 to fix all of her squeaky gates, headaches, and yeast infections.

Either way, let's hope she can use WD40 to find a new job.

AIM convo: how do u know my name

Yesterday a stranger IMed me. His profile revealed his first and last name and he didn't seem to be aware of this, so I took advantage of the situation.

B P 1718: wat is your name
B P 1718: i hear about you from a freind
J aCkAs Skid: which friend? and what is your name, David?
B P 1718: how do u know my name
J aCkAs Skid: THE INTERNET!!!
B P 1718: ahhhhhhhh
B P 1718: SERIUSLY HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW MY NAME
J aCkAs Skid: I had to call every Smith residence to get your first name. It was a lot of work
B P 1718: HOLY CRAP

And he was not kidding. Kid's kind of an idiot.

(bed.)

People ask me where I find these people, and the answer is that I don't. They find me. Usually they get my screen name from my old website. Back in 2004 when the website was in its hayday, I'd post AIM conversations, people would would read them and put me on their buddy list, then months, sometimes years later they'd send me instant messages wondering who I am because they'd forgotten. This often led to hilarity, or if I was feeling lazy, they just led to me sending Goatse.cx to people who may or may not be too young to drive. Whoops.

If I'm feeling ambitious, I'll post the rest of my conversation with him because it was pretty funny.