Please hold down the run button

One of the downsides to being a gamer and dating a non-gamer is that you will get mad at your girlfriend for stupid things.

Yesterday Amy was playing New Super Mario Bros on my DS and she wouldn't hold down the run button. Anybody who's played Mario knows that the first rule of any 2d Mario game is hold down the fucking run button, right? Well she didn't, and she was falling into pits and running out of time and not listening when I told her to hold down the fucking run button.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. This would be like if she got me to eat some crap she saw on the Food Network and I just put it in my mouth and didn't chew it. I'd say 'Don't worry, it'll go down eventually, I just don't feel like chewing,' while she's screaming at me, 'fucking chew with your mouth you idiot, this is going to take forever!'

Yeah, well maybe you should hold down the run button next time you go through the Mushroom Kingdom, you bitch.

(work.)

Final Fantasy XII: Sci-Fi Fantasy Exposed Chest Adventure

Final Fantasy XII just came in the mail, and here's what I imagine the game is like based on the box alone.



Main character on cover of the box: 'Let's go on an adventure in a sci-fi fantasy world!'
Other guy: 'Whoa, why are you dressed like that? You're going to go on an adventure in that... half-vest? I can see most of your chest. What the hell?'
Main character: 'We're in the future! People probably dress like this. It's cool. See those airships in the background? I bet those are crazy, huh? I wonder if they're powered by magic!'
Other guy: 'What's crazy is that you're going to save the world and I can almost see your nipples. Why don't you cast Shirtaga and cover up? You look like an asshole.'
Main character: 'Wow, a sci-fi fantasy world. Maybe we'll see a dragon...made of robots! This game is going to be awesome.'

I hope the guy on the cover isn't dressed like that for the whole game. Spending countless hours on a video game is silly enough without forcing me to look at an inappropriately half-dressed man the whole time. It's like this is a joke played on us by the Japanese. 'Ha ha, America! In the Japanese version, he's wearing a suit! No exposed chest at all! Thanks again for those bombs in World War II, assholes!'

(work.)

Wiitards

Whenever I tell someone that I own a Wii, more than half the time that's followed up by the other person asking me if I've broken my TV yet.

Let me set the record straight here:
If you break something expensive while playing the Wii, you're either a moron, a child, or you're drunk. If you're playing it right, you're flicking your wrist in different directions, not wildly flailing your arms around the room, endangering your friends, your family, and most importantly, your television.

In conclusion, the Wii is safe and fun, not a death machine. If you manage to injure yourself badly or break something expensive, you're what some people would call a 'Wiitard.'

There, I said it. The awful pun has been made.

I'm going to work now.

(work.)

Experience points on a weekly timesheet

If you grew up playing video games, you may have wanted to grow up to be some adventurer who quests for glory and slays evil on a daily basis. You wanted experience points and gold pieces.

Well, now I'm in the real world, and the experience points are now hours on a timesheet. My gold pieces are directly deposited into my checking account every two weeks. My broad sword is a screwdriver and my trusty steed is a white van filled with computer parts.

Something has gone horribly wrong.

(dungeon crawling from 7:30 to 4:30.)

Visual opiate of the male masses

I'd say something mean about the Art Fair, but right now I'm playing Time Crisis 3 on Jarrod's gargantuan television, and there's no way you can be mad while looking at that thing.

That TV is like boobies: the visual opiate of the male masses. Only there's an input for DVD players and Playstations.

So Jarrod's TV is like Boobies++.

(Bang bang.)

Boobies++ is a projection TV, so we couldn't play Time Crisis 3. However, Lego Star Wars and Resident Evil 4 looked better than real life. Unfortunately, they lacked boobies, so you win this round, Real Life.

Wave after wave of loving fathers

Today I was playing Time Crisis 3, a popular arcade murder simulation, and I got to a level where I was on a train that was surely going to fall down a cliff. What struck me as odd here is that the bad guys kept attacking me even though we were all about to die. I thought 'Why wouldn't they try to escape? They should be running with me, not shooting at me.'

This is how I explained it to myself: 'They have a deal with the Head Bad Guy that says that after they die, their families will be taken care of. If they stop fighting, their families get nothing.'

And while the fact that I thought of that explanation so quickly is disturbing on its own, the more disturbing idea is that all the bad guys have families.

Basically when I play Time Crisis 3 I'm just ruining families by shooting wave after wave of loving fathers.

(Charley's.)

You can strangle people

My 12-year-old brother rented the video game adaptation of The Godfather. In it, you drive a car around, take missions, and gradually increase your standing within the crime organization.

'So it's like Grand Theft Auto,' I told my brother, who shouldn't even know what Grand Theft Auto is like.
'No, it's completely different,' he said, taking great offense to this accusation.
'Oh really? Then what makes it so different?'
'You can strangle people.'
'Yeah, Grand Theft Auto was really missing the option to strangle people.'

We argued a little after that, but to date the strangling-oriented gameplay is the best (and only) difference he's been able to find between The Godfather and Grand Theft Auto.

I don't know what this says about kids today, but you should probably hit them just to be sure.

(Fishbowl 'til 11:30.)

I watched my brother strangle half a dozen people in that mafia-heavy GTA clone, and I'll be damned if he wasn't smiling like it was Christmas Day and he was forcing protection money out of jolly St. Nick.

My brother also loves basketball games where you play as bling-wearin' urban people. For example, there's NBA Ballers, a basketball game where you can buy SUVs and mansion to further your basketball career...somehow.

Anyway, I'm thinking that someone could capitalize on both the urban sports market and the strangling market with - wait for it - Latrell Sprewell's Basketball Choke Party.

This would be the ideal place for me to post a photoshopped image of the fake video game, but I have work tomorrow morning. So...yeah.

Not the best ending to a blog entry.

Fall Out Boy sucks, pirate tetris rules

I recently started playing an online game called Puzzle Pirates. Basically, you 'do' pirate stuff in the form of puzzle games that resemble Tetris or Snood. It's not as retarded as it sounds.

Oh, I'm sorry, is 'retarded' offensive?

It's not as horse-fucking as it sounds.

Anyway, the game appeals to broad range of ages, and sometimes this means I'll play with kids. And these kids will have handles like 'falloutboyy.' And I fucking hate Fall Out Boy. It's very bad music for very stupid people.

So I'll challenge these kids to swordfighting matches in the game and I'll usually win, because they're kids and they like bad music.

That's what the internet lets us do. We can passive-aggressively hate bands by beating their fans in games of pirate tetris.

Yet another aspect of the internet I'll never be able to explain to Mom.

(Smash Bros.)

I highly recommend you check out Puzzle Pirates. It's free, it's fun, and best of all, it doesn't cost any money. Because it's free. So play it.

Games copied in Puzzle Pirates include: Snood (Puzzle Bobble), Tetris Attack, Alchemy, and Chu Chu Rocket. There are other games, but I don't know how to explain them, so I won't.

In conclusion, play that game or I'll cut you.

New Student Plus

After you beat some video games, they let you go back with all your abilities and experience and replay the game from the beginning.

Can you imagine doing that after graduation? You could go back to freshman year and know about dorm food and fraternities and really get the most of college because you've (hopefully) got your priorities in place after 4 years of personal growth.

However, there are people who stick around after graduation and and bang naive freshman chicks. These people haven't gone back in time to relive the good ol' days. They aren't time travelers. They're just douche bags.

So while my little 'what if' scenario may get you thinking, I don't want you becoming a douche bag because of it.

(Work 'til 11ish.)

For those of you who played Chrono Trigger (bam! now all references are lost on 99% of women), you may remember how you could replay the game with all your cool items and abilities. In college, that'd mean you have the self confidence of a senior in the same situations as the other freshmen.

To put this in perspective with video games, this would be the same thing as beating up really basic enemies with higher-level attacks. The challenge would be gone. You could woo every girl you ever crushed on, pass every exam easily, and open a beer bottle with your keyring.

So given my explanation here, conquering dungeons in a video game is comparable to getting laid.

And ladies, if only you knew how true that was.

Madden and the Da Vinci Code

Today I won 50 dollars playing Smash Bros Melee. To guys, it's a Gamecube game. To girls, it's just another sound and picture game on the TV box that boys use to establish nerd dominance.

But that's not the point here. The point is that the group that ran the event blamed the game for the poor turnout, not the fact that they don't advertise.

After the tournament was over, men with fat necks came in and wondered if they could get 'some Madden up in here.' Because to some people, that's all video games are. (Football franchise) + (year). And it's the same goddamn game.

Madden is to video games what the Da Vinci Code is to books.

'Hey person who doesn't play video games/read books, what's your favorite game/book?'
'Oh, it's Madden/The Da Vinci Code. Everyone should play/read it.'

In conclusion, I hate people.

(Bed.)

If they make a movie out of Madden just like they did with the Da Vinci Code, you know it's going to be popular. But then they'd have to make another movie the next year to update all the characters. And then one the next year. And the next year. And so on, until movies are beamed directly into to chips the government implants in our brains and they don't call them "movies" anymore, but rather "brain adventures."

You think I jest, but when everyone asks you to beam the Madden 2043: The Movie into your brain chip, you're going to feel very dumb. Or you'll feel whatever the chip tells you to. Whatever. Go read a book.

Vote for the level 60 orc mage

I'm sure all my fellow U of Mers have had their inbox filled to the gills with MSA election spam, and you may be burned out on the idea of voting. Well, I have news for you: 1) your inbox has gills because it's a fish. Electronic messages go in your fish. Deal with it. and 2)

VOTE MPP (and Dan Ray) IN THE MSA ELECTIONS!

I know Dan in real life. So if you want some shit done, I can always bitch to Dan about it and he'll get it done. He's very capable. He's a level 60 orc mage.

Dan actually doesn't play World of Warcraft, either. And he's only an orc on his father's side. What was I saying? Oh yeah, VOTE MPP. Click here to vote.
(bed.)

I heard a statistic that only something between 8% and 12% of UM students vote in MSA elections. Which is pretty incredible, because I'm pretty sure less than 2% of UM students know what MSA does.

Popeye's without the spinach

While in Chicago, I tried Popeye's Chicken. Strangely, there was no spinach in my meal. This bothered me. If your restaurant is called Popeye's, you better be shoving spinach into every entrée, appetizer, and dessert. If there was a restaurant called Garfield's, it'd serve lasagna. Pac-man's? Everyone would eat dots. And ghosts.

You'd expect Popeye's to do me a favor, ya know? Fill my biceps with boat anchors, battleships, nuclear bombs, etc. Instead, I just ate greasy chicken, then opened a pack of cards commemorating the last 11 WrestleManias.

Apparently every meal is a children's meal at Popeye's. Everyone gets cards depicting well-oiled men kicking each other. That's just part of the Popeye's experience, ya know?

Shoulda gone with Taco Bell instead.

(Food, meeting, but sadly, not a food meeting.)

Bad News Via Anthropomorphism

The other night our toilet on the second floor got sick and threw up all over the floor. The toilet barf (read: "poop water") dripped down from the bathroom floor through Hartmann's light fixture onto his bed. It also crawled across the carpet into Bora's room.

This is what happens when you have a bulimic toilet. I mean, if you ate poop and pee all day, you'd probably throw up all the time, right? Although our toilet doesn't actually have a soul, so instead of a thinking, puking toilet friend, we actually just have shitty plumbing.

Anthropomorphism makes the bad news easier to deal with. 'Friendly hurricane gives New Orleans a big wet kiss.' See? It's like all the pain is gone.

(Class.)

It's hard when Fate gives you a potentially hilarious situation where poop water is upstairs and the best you can do is slap a soul on the toilet and call it a day.

Adding life to inanimate object is a great way to make things seem more "happy." Note that in Super Mario World almost every item block, background decoration, and bad guy had eyes. Not that the bad guys shouldn't have eyes, unless one of them was blind or something, but what kind of Nintendo character beats up on a blind guy?

Fear of Girls, Fear of Graduation

I don't care if you play football or roll dice to slay trolls: This is fucking funny.

This is sort of an awkward combination of Best In Show and Brokeback Mountain. Kind of a Best in Brokeback Show Mountain.

And as much as I'd like to say I'm not a geek, I have to go write a paper on video games. For school. I'm going to school so I can write about Pac Man. Take that, higher education.

...after I get my psych degree I'm going to starve to death in the streets of Ann Arbor.

But until then, paper time.

(Insert sound of Pac Man dying.)

Gamer girls are sexy if they're not that good

Guys who play video games really, really want to meet a girl who shares the same hobby. Also, (and here's the tricky part) she has to be hot. However, the fact that a girl plays video games automatically makes her hotter, so ladies, if you can beat Mario 3, it's like you've added 1 point to your 10-point hotness scale or gone up a cup size or some other nonsense way to quantify beauty.

However, when a dude meets a girl who plays video games, there's an initial feeling of elation, because he thinks, 'Hey, we can fuck during a game of Halo 2! Sweet!' (or hang out, whatever). Then there's a pause. Then he thinks 'Bitch best not be bettter than me.' Chances are, she isn't, but if she was, that'd be like her ripping off your genitals and then beating you over the head with them. And she'd get 50 points every time she did so until she beat your high score.
(Class.)

Breakdance, C64 style

Stop what you're doing and breakdance.

This breakdance simulator for the Commodore 64 features a revolutionary 16 colors, as well as advanced 'block men spinning on their heads' technology.

I doubt anyone will click that link, though to be fair, y'all are suckas, anyway. I find a quality breakdancing game from a computer older than you and you just keep on reading this stupid away message, ignoring how fucking great that shitty breakdancing game is. It's even called 'Breakdance.' They make no illusions. Just fucking breakdance, man, and savor all 7 frames of animation while doing so.

(Bed.)

Professor Cleavage demands beer

When guys are at video game tournaments, they talk really fast about gameplay and rules and strategy.

When girls are at video game tournaments, they are fictional.

Or with guys.

If I was a girl, I'd be too busy getting free drinks courtesy of Professor Cleavage. I think the depression between my lady breasts would be professors because they'd be teachin' everybody how to buy me shit. I'll just write what I want between my girl knockers and just lean forward until it materializes in front of me.

Professor Cleavage would be a good band name. They'd go on tour with Interrobang?!, Scalp Mystique, European Mutt, and Spooning With a Stranger. Henry's Fake Band Tour 2038. Because if it's not really going to happen, the tour bus may as well be from the future and therefore flying.
(bed.)

2Pac Man

I'm reading about Pac Man for video games class.

Did you know they were going to release a sequel for Pac Man called 2Pac Man? It never came out because you couldn't see him against the black background OH SNAP INAPPROPRIATE JOKE.

Happy MLK Day!

(Reading.)

That joke was racist, but it made me laugh, so don't blame me if you get offended. The internet isn't about sensitivity; it's about pornography and cheap laughs.

I'm no seismologist

I took a box of Honeycomb from home, and I'll be damned if it doesn't taste like magical bees pooped it out and put it in my mouth so that I can savor the artificial fake bee poop goodness.

Bees poop honey, right? Just checking. I'm no seismologist.

(Beyond Good & Evil.)

Beyond Good & Evil the video game, not the respectable written work. Besides, text is for people who suck at video games.

Hooray for Christmas, Pac-Man

Hey everybody, look at this while I go home and hurriedly shop for Christmas presents with the little money I have.

Nothing says 'Hooray for Christmas' like an empty bank account and no idea what to get your dad with the $6.29 you have left.

(Walled Lake.)

It's amazing how there were only two weeks between the some guys filming that video to it being posted all over the internet.