Protesters, none of which play the trumpet

Yesterday outside the Fleming Administration Building, a group of students boldly protested the University's use of sweatshop-made clothing by skipping class to hang out and wear sandwich boards. One brave soul played bongos.

The protesters were there to help shut down sweatshops, and this is understandable: 73% of all sweatshops that closed are shut down by people hundreds of miles away chanting and not having a job.

The remaining 27% of sweatshops are closed by wishing really hard and clapping your hands (which is also how you bring a fairy back to life!).

(work.)

Looking back, I guess those protesters were the bravest unemployed people I've seen in a long time. They stood up for what they believed in: standing up for unalienable human rights, not taking crap from authority, and also not going to work.

What exactly is the bongo guy contributing? And why is he at every protest in town? I think he just wants the attention, but come on, he only knows like two bongo notes. You can only do so much with two notes before people think you're too lazy to play a more complicated instrument. I think he should protest by playing the trumpet. We'll see if that two-note shit flies when he's playing the trumpet. I don't think so, bongo guy.

Alternative smear campaigns and babies with mustaches

Now that the midterm election is over, I'm going to miss all those smear commercials.

'Jennifer Granholm hates jobs so much she burned down a factory that makes blankets for cold orphans. She also hates orphans. And blankets.' (camera zooms in on a blanket and fades to a photo of Granholm looking angry)

or

'Dick DeVos loves migrant workers so much he forced his own family to grow mustaches and speak Spanish. And he has a baby.' (camera zooms in on a baby with a mustache taped to its face)

I think the smear commercials that aired during prime time could have been more effective. Voters need to feel like the candidates don't care about the same things as them for the smear commercials to work.

'Jennifer Granholm hates Grey's Anatomy.'

'Dick DeVos can't really get into Lost.'

Voters will think 'What do you mean, he can't get into Lost?! Did he at least start with the first season?! Screw that guy, I'm voting for the Democrats.'

(bed.)

All politics aside, if one candidate liked Arrested Development and the other liked Everybody Loves Raymond, I'd vote for the Arrested Development candidate even if that meant all my tax dollars would go toward cocaine that would later be snorted off a little boy's butt.

Errr...I take that back. I pick my candidates like I pick my women: I vote for the candidate with the biggest titties. You're my girl, Granholm.

Voting and sodomy

I expect all of you to Rock the Vote, just don't tell anybody for whom you're voting because that's really inappropriate.

This lady I used to work with at the bindery once got mad when I told her my preferred candidate in the 2004 election. She got offended and said, 'The two things you aren't supposed to talk about are politics and religion.' However, weeks earlier she had told me what it's like to have anal sex.

'It's just like when you're pooping. If something's in your butt, you want to get it out. That's what anal sex feels like.'

I learned that if you mention who you're voting for, that's uncalled for, but if you tell your coworker what it's like to have a butt full of dong, that's A-OK.

So rather than asking all of you your preferred candidates, I'm going to ask you this:

What's sodomy like?

Happy voting!

(home.)

Free food, free shirts, free agendas

Nutella? Goofy alien finger puppets? A V for Vendetta t-shirt? Keg root beer?

Today's winner is Free Shit. Thanks, Goodness Day.

Today's losers are those LaRouche activists who yelled at people who didn't want to hear their anti-Cheney agendas.

Keep whining, guys. Cheney will change whatever it is he's doing no matter how many pamphlets you hand to strangers.

I don't mean to sound superficial, but the worst part of being hassled by these people is that they're ugly. If they were at least marginally attractive women, people could at least debate whether or not they'd do them while they spouted hyperpolitical nonsense.

If you're missing teeth, maybe you should consider writing for more attractive people.

(Lunch.)

Hippies hate dossiers

On my way toward the Diag today I overheard one Hash Basher expressing concern to another Hash Basher:
'Do you think people will be here taking our pictures and putting us in their dossier?'

Wow, guy. They say pot makes people paranoid, but I'm glad you're out there dispelling any myths with your example.

And do people even have dossiers anymore? I bet somewhere there's a guy with a dossier, and it's sitting right next to his rocking chair and rotary telephone.

Hippies made UM's political activism seem a hell of a lot more impressive. They made the 'Buy Coke and pour it out to protest Coke' student rallies look like full-blown revolutions next to the hippies' politically motivated signs about...um...something about hemp or the war or whatever.

(Updating my dossier with pictures.)

Somewhere there's a pet store where they sell dogs exclusively to hippies. They'd carry mostly dirty mutts that love wearing bandanas. And I'm sure they'd make a mint selling little hemp sweaters that you can put on your dog so it can walk around town looking like an asshole.

Changing campus, one turd at a time

Just 2.5 more hours of voting for MSA. Don't vote for Students 4 Michigan, because they misuse numbers and they have a very pro-obvious stance. Imagine if a political group called Americans Savoring the Inhabitation of America, or ASIA for short. ASIA is just like S4M. And would you want ASIA to run America? Fuck no. We're all members of ASIA, so don't put an ASIA man in American office.

Vote MPP, because the angrier campus gets, the happier I am. S4M would get all mad and start crying, and MPP is new and may leave campus in shambles (or get something accomplished). So whether we get a Taco Bell on campus or have rioters tear down the Chem Building, voting MPP is a surefire way to be awesome.

VOTE MPP
(computers.)

No one is actually sure what MSA is. The Michigan Student Assembly gets quoted in the Michigan Daily a lot, but that's all the public seems to know. So that's MSA: a quote machine. And not to blow my own bagpipes, but I think I'd make a dandy MSA president. I think a thoughtful paragraph about the possibilities presented by future technologies is much more important than having an opinion on some issue that cannot be affected by the winner of some yearly popularity contest. The raise in minimum wage, the conflict in the Middle East, what minorities think about stuff. You can't change these things, and opinions are just like heavy bowel movements: everybody has them, but taking them with you doesn't do you any good, so don't rub them in my face.

However, if you have some kind of turd-in-the-face fetish, start reading the student newspaper, 'cause hey! Turds ahoy!

Students 4 Michigan, Students Against Cancer

What the hell kind of political party is called Students 4 Michigan, anyway? First of all, you're not campaigning in an AOL chat room, so spell out the word 'for.' Second, are there any Michigan students against Michigan? Were these the same idiots who came up with Students Against Cancer? No shit, guys. I'm sure you're all on the pro-oxygen-breathing platform, and you're all opposed to that bill going around in favor of pain and suffering. Ooooh, how bold, guys.

I urge you all to vote. Get S4M out of office. Vote Michigan Progressive Party. Having S4M in office makes us look like assholes.
'Hey UM students, that party in MSA...what do they support?'
'Michigan, duh.'

(work.)

For the record, I'm not against the name "Students Against Cancer", because cancer sucks (and osteoperosis rules!). It's just that by saying you're against it, you're implying that there are people who are for it. Sure, there are people who are for cancer -- smokers, cell phone users, people who roll around in asbestos every morning -- but cancer isn't a debate. It's a disease. So say you're in favor of a cure or prevention or a 5k Fun Run every weekend. Otherwise, people are going to think you're assholes. And the last thing we need on campus is a group opposing this group calling themselves Students Against Students Against Cancer.