More Google Analytics fun

Searches used to find my blog include:

• tubgirl virus
• how to fix a squeaky bed
• dishwasher leaving black specks on everything
• how do you know if someone deleted you from aim buddy list
• forklift woman tshirt
• and the most disturbing: baby oiled men rub down

Top 3 non-google referrals:
3) Devin's blog (thanks much, Devin)
2) My Facebook profile (thanks, me)
1) A search at icerocket.com for 'sex with animals' (gross)

Top page for content?
'Google Analytics Keyword WTF'
(but that could just be because I included the tag 'sex with animals', once again making bestiality the main draw for this blog)

(work.)

Google Analytics keyword WTF

Recently the site has seen about a tenfold increase in traffic coming in from people searching for stuff. Fortunately, I have Google Analytics, which can tell me exactly what people were searching for when they found this blog. Most of the searches involve away messages for Facebook, but some of the others...are a little off. Check this out:
Frisky ferret dildo?! Why, God, Why?!

I haven't used these words together before, but separately? Sure:
Frisky - "The printer is frisky, needs sex" - I accidentally told a guy that a printer was horny
Ferret - "AHHHHH FERRET CAGE!" - in reference to the Most Hated Smell pen project
Dildo -"a purple dildo dipped in paint" - the only writing utensil more embarrassing than a pink princess pen

But, to date, I've never used those words together. At least, not until now, which means one thing: I've got the "frisky ferret dildo" search locked down.

(not actually on AIM 'cause the computer's sick.)

Other interesting searches that got someone here:

• "funny boob away messages" - because tits are hilarious...?
• "how to write sweet messages for my girlfriend" - you found the wrong place, buddy
• "dreams of water while sleeping" - from the guy who just searched for "best laundry detergent to get pee out of bed sheets"
• "show your titts blog" - I have yet to post a picture of an exposed breast, but if someone were to offer one...

Google almost turned me into a donkey

Yesterday night, Google rented out Pinball Pete's and let everyone come in and eat pizza, drink pop, and play games. Everyone who was there had a really good time.

The event scared me, though. I was so happy I got suspicious.

These people are hiring for an amazing job and they're giving everyone free games and pizza with no catch. Remember in the story of Pinocchio when all the kids went to Pleasure Island and had a great time, and then they got donkey fever, turned into donkeys to be sold at the market? I felt like Google was letting us have that much fun. So much fun it'll only end in us turning into donkeys.

Still, I got a shirt, so that's awesome.

(work.)

Second reason why the event scared me:
If you want a job with Google, you have to talk to the reps that are there, and it becomes just like a high school dance all over again. The pretty ladies are walking around, waiting for you to talk to them, and you're too nervous to say hi, so you just end up nodding at them when you walk by. This kind of shyness will not result in a job of any kind, whether it be blow, hand, or salaried.

The event may not have turned me into a donkey, but after I was too scared to talk to any Google reps, I felt like an ass. Close enough, I guess.

LEFTOVER IDEAS:
Oh man, if I went out on a date with a girl and at the end of the night she leaned over and gave me a salaried job, I would be disappointed at first, then thrilled the next week when I started my new salaried job.

However, I'm pretty sure a lot of people at that company would have also almost gotten a blowjob from this lady and settled for a salaried, non-blow job, and that may be awkward. This woman must get around if she's going on dates with dudes and then exchanging employment for not blowjobs. I don't know how you'd set up something like that.

I just don't.

Dentistry websites and shark attack videos

I'm pretty sure my wisdom teeth are coming in. I haven't heard from a dentist in a while (insurance/money reasons), but the last time I went he said I may not have to have mine removed. However, I should not take comfort in something a dentist said over 2 years ago.

I googled 'wisdom teeth', and I realized that this was a bad idea. I'm about to get more teeth in my mouth, and google returned nothing but pages about impacted wisdom teeth. That's only preparing me to panic. That's like knowing you're going to go swimming with whales in the morning, so you stay up all night watching violent shark attack videos.

All dental woes aside, I've got a 22-page group paper to hand in, a presentation to give, and a final to take. To hell with my teeth. Time to bite the bullet, assuming I can still physically do that.

(Danger.)

Feeling lucky with Google

Google the following phrases. Feel free to click 'I'm feeling lucky' if you have the balls for it, you pansy:
'retarded websites'
'spanish swears'

Now google my name: 'Henry Birdseye.' (Stalkers, I just made your life a lot easier by giving you this information)

Note that googling my name won't get you my now-comatose website in the first 30 results, yet I am #1 when looking for stupid internet pages or the Spanish word for 'piss.'

This explains why all the middle schoolers who IM me expect nothing but fart jokes and cuss words, yet none of them know my first name.

This is what it's like to be nibbling the crust of an Internet Fame Sandwich. Two parts bread, five parts you not being able to explain how you have fans to your grandma.

(Bed, work, real life, etc.)