Insult anything but my Nintendo DS

Sometimes I'll be signed on and people will swear at me for no reason at all. Just the other day some guy IMed me while I was at work.
'hey josh,' he said. A day later he said again, 'hey josh.' Then apparently he got sick of me being gone and he typed to me:
'the nintendo ds sucks'
'hey douchebag'
'THE NINTENDO DS SUCKS'
and that's the last thing he said to me

All it took was a couple days of not being online for him to aim for the heart and insult the Nintendo DS. I guess 'fuck you' just wouldn't have worked for him so naturally he picked a piece of technology and told me it sucks.

I can just imagine this guy walking down the street, approaching some guy, and yelling, 'Hey Mark, YOUR IPOD SUCKS,' and then storming away without caring if that guy was actually Mark.

Sometimes friends ask me why I hate most of the people on the internet. Now you know.

(work.)

He insulted my DS because I had a poll up in my profile asking people what they thought of the DS because I was thinking about getting one.  Being the genius that he is, he went after the Nintendo DS because that's my Achilles heel.

Please hold down the run button

One of the downsides to being a gamer and dating a non-gamer is that you will get mad at your girlfriend for stupid things.

Yesterday Amy was playing New Super Mario Bros on my DS and she wouldn't hold down the run button. Anybody who's played Mario knows that the first rule of any 2d Mario game is hold down the fucking run button, right? Well she didn't, and she was falling into pits and running out of time and not listening when I told her to hold down the fucking run button.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. This would be like if she got me to eat some crap she saw on the Food Network and I just put it in my mouth and didn't chew it. I'd say 'Don't worry, it'll go down eventually, I just don't feel like chewing,' while she's screaming at me, 'fucking chew with your mouth you idiot, this is going to take forever!'

Yeah, well maybe you should hold down the run button next time you go through the Mushroom Kingdom, you bitch.

(work.)

I won some giant shoes

Yesterday I won a pair of shoes in a contest held by Microsoft, but there's a catch: I can't wear them.

A friend referred me to a LeBron James-themed contest where you can win 'A pair of Nike Zoom shoes' or 'A Zune with LeBron's playlist on it.' So I fill out the entry form and see a screen that says, 'Hey, you won Nike Zoom Shoes from Microsoft. Check your email for confirmation.' I got excited, because I could use some new shoes.

Then I get an email saying, 'You won a pair of size 16 shoes signed by LeBron James.'

Ah, crap. What the hell am I going to do with a pair of giant shoes?

I've got over two and a half months until they arrive, so I have time to figure out what I'll do with them. Here's my current List of Things To Do With a Giant Pair of Shoes:

• Wear my regular shoes, then put on the giant shoes for extra shoe protection
• Raise children inside of them
• Climb inside of one of them and hop around the Mushroom Kingdom.
• Sell them on eBay to someone silly enough to want to pay for another person's giant autographed shoes

Do YOU have any suggestions?

(work.)

Wiitards

Whenever I tell someone that I own a Wii, more than half the time that's followed up by the other person asking me if I've broken my TV yet.

Let me set the record straight here:
If you break something expensive while playing the Wii, you're either a moron, a child, or you're drunk. If you're playing it right, you're flicking your wrist in different directions, not wildly flailing your arms around the room, endangering your friends, your family, and most importantly, your television.

In conclusion, the Wii is safe and fun, not a death machine. If you manage to injure yourself badly or break something expensive, you're what some people would call a 'Wiitard.'

There, I said it. The awful pun has been made.

I'm going to work now.

(work.)

Nintendong Revolution

The Nintendo Revolution will feature a wireless controller that is shaped like a thick iPod shuffle and it will offer 3d gameplay. The console will know exactly how you're moving the controller. How it's rotated, how fast it's moving, etc. Which led Bora and I to this conclusion:

Someone is going to play games with their penis. They'll strap the controller to their wang and wave it around and poor Link in the latest Zelda game will just think someone's swinging a sword with their arm.

Well, you're wrong, Link. Your sword is some guy's erect penis. This could finally be a chance to live out a power fantasy and slay monsters with his mighty genitals. You thrust your pelvis and bam! The demons are dead. Hooray for your penis!

Unfortunately, the Nintendo Revolution controller is small and white.

(Class.)

You know it'll happen.

Update: Now that it's no longer called the Revolution, it's more the Nintendo Wiiner.