No talking before the movie, lest I cut you

Those 'no talking during the movie' shorts that come up before you see a movie are less effective when presented by silly men dressed as soda and popcorn. How are little kids going to get the message that they need to shut the fuck up if they're so happy to see the dancing food man do a silly dance?

What they need is some scary guy in a trenchcoat to jump onto the screen and start threatening the audience.

'Shut the fuck up during the movie. Ain't nobody gonna hear you when I come to murder you anyway. If you don't turn off that cell phone, Ima steal it and sell it for meth.

Ima get up in yo' nightmares and cut you.

And in the event of me cutting you, please note the nearest exit.'

There's just something about threatening lives that just makes kids... listen, ya know?

(work.)

This away message was inspired by the laughter of children following a serious message. I don't want kids laughing when they should be listening. I want them listening intently because some scary man in at the movies said he was going to get up in their nightmares. Crying afterward is optional as long as it's quiet.

Cat Barf commercials and Norbit

So last weekend the movie Norbit opened to gross over $34 million. What's strange is that only 9% of critics said it was good. That means that 91% of film critics think Norbit is a piece of shit, and said shit went on to gross $34 million in a single weekend.

Would this work with food? If commercials presented a soft drink called, oh I don't know, Cat Barf, and it was chunks of old cat food mixed with the stomach fluids of a cat, but it was presented in a really fun way, would people still buy it?

'The commercials for Cat Barf were really silly, so I bought a twelve pack. Food critics told me it was terrible, but they aren't half as zany as the guy who fell down and made a funny face in the Cat Barf commercial. He's hilarious!'

(Cat Barf jingle plays)
Cat Barf: you'll know it by that gagging sound!
(10-second shot of cat vomiting)

Don't see bad movies, friends.

(work.)

The lesson here is to be a smart consumer. Read reviews before you spend money and time on something, and don't drink anything that comes out of a cat.

Amy's family is like Snakes on a Plane

Today I'm meeting Amy's dad's side of the family at a BBQ. I was worrying about what I should wear and whether I should keep my sweet beard or not. Then Amy's mom left me a voicemail that relieved some of the pressure:

'Hey, don't dress up. You don't even have to shower. These people aren't prizes, so don't worry about it.'

I think more stuff should work that way.

'Don't worry about that job interview. The guy asking you questions is a stupid dog fucker, and rumor has it he's legally retarded.'

'That piano recital tonight is going to be cake, man. The audience is fat and tone deaf, and I, your instructor, drown Hurricane Katrina survivors every Thursday. You know, because I'm a terrible person whose opinion should not matter to you. Relax.'

So, less pressure, even if I'm apparently meeting people who suck.

(first impressions.)

Man, now that I've actually met these people, I can safely say that yes, they were all assholes. I should have just rolled out of bed, driven to Amy's house, and started hugging strangers so I could go home sooner.

Nah, just kidding, they were all nice people and I had a good time.

Meeting Amy's dad's side of the family was kind of like seeing Snakes on a Plane. I was told it was going to suck, and then it was pretty good, and that made the whole thing seem great.

Meeting Amy's family was also like Snakes on a Plane because they charged me 8 dollars at the door and then we all sat in the dark for two hours.

Ghost Rider vs. Ghostwriter

There's a Ghost Rider movie coming out. Looks like Nicholas Cage will play the comic book character with a flaming skull head who fights for justice.

Did anybody ever see that show Ghostwriter on PBS in the early 90s? A cast of ethnically diverse urban children solved mysteries with the help of Ghostwriter, a ghost that could communicate by moving letters around. Ghostwriter was depicted as a dot and some lines.

Anyway, I think the two should fight. They sound alike and that bothers me, so naturally one of them has to die in combat.

I've even prepared a visual aid:


Looks to be epic.

(Bed.)

Endangered Animal Sex Train

Amy was an extra in a feature film, she just doesn't know what it's about. The director had her look at a watch and sigh while waiting for a train. This is all we know about the plot. Aside from that, the movie could be about anything:

Setting: Train station
GUY 1: The train is late.
(Amy looks at her watch and sighs.)
GUY 2: I know. I need this train.
GUY 1: Me too. I haven't had sex with an endangered animal in a long time.
(Amy looks at her watch and sighs.)
GUY 2: I sure could go for some hot bald eagle action in my pants.
GUY 1: How much longer must we wait for the train that allows us to have sex with endangered animals?
(Amy looks at her watch and sighs.)
(A train pulls up with ENDANGERED ANIMAL SEX TRAIN written on its side. Mooing, quacking, and that sound a dolphin makes can be heard.)
GUY 1: Let's gangbang a manatee.
GUY 2: Shotgun blowhole!

(Work, 8-6.)

Before you start fact checking my jokes, know this: I deliberately chose quacking and mooing as the animal noises for the train. This isn't common knowledge, but endangered animals are very quiet. You ever hear a panda say, "Don't shoot me please. I have much to offer the world"? Of course not. They're all dead from being quiet little bamboo-lovin' bitches.

Also manatees don't really have blowholes. Someone fact checked that joke, but while they were technically correct, they were also technically a wang.

Madden and the Da Vinci Code

Today I won 50 dollars playing Smash Bros Melee. To guys, it's a Gamecube game. To girls, it's just another sound and picture game on the TV box that boys use to establish nerd dominance.

But that's not the point here. The point is that the group that ran the event blamed the game for the poor turnout, not the fact that they don't advertise.

After the tournament was over, men with fat necks came in and wondered if they could get 'some Madden up in here.' Because to some people, that's all video games are. (Football franchise) + (year). And it's the same goddamn game.

Madden is to video games what the Da Vinci Code is to books.

'Hey person who doesn't play video games/read books, what's your favorite game/book?'
'Oh, it's Madden/The Da Vinci Code. Everyone should play/read it.'

In conclusion, I hate people.

(Bed.)

If they make a movie out of Madden just like they did with the Da Vinci Code, you know it's going to be popular. But then they'd have to make another movie the next year to update all the characters. And then one the next year. And the next year. And so on, until movies are beamed directly into to chips the government implants in our brains and they don't call them "movies" anymore, but rather "brain adventures."

You think I jest, but when everyone asks you to beam the Madden 2043: The Movie into your brain chip, you're going to feel very dumb. Or you'll feel whatever the chip tells you to. Whatever. Go read a book.

Bruce Willis is dead the whole time

Every time I get frustrated, I'm going to ruin a movie for somebody. Granted, today was fine, but if tomorrow sucks, you know what you're going to see?

IN THE SIXTH SENSE, BRUCE WILLIS IS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME.

And I won't stop with movies, either. I can also ruin Harry Potters, the Bible, and movies that haven't even come out yet. Did you know that Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector is going to cater to the stupid person crowd? Or that Little Man will be one of the worst movies of all time? Well, I just ruined it for you.

(Bed.)

I wanted to say that I could spoil real life, too, but little facts like, "Girls only judge you by your car. Your personality never even mattered," are best learned on their own, after it's far too late to trade in your wit for a shiny new Hummer H3.

Also, apparently there's a time in your life when you can swap your personality for a car. I didn't know that, but I guess it's true because I just said it.

Also also, watch the trailer for Little Man. If that doesn't make part of you die (your kidneys, pancreas, etc.), then another part of you found it funny (your stupid brain), and for that, I hate you.